Sochi, RU—Tragedy struck between the 2nd and 3rd period of Sunday’s gold medal men’s hockey game between Sweden and Canada. A Zamboni was badly injured after attempting an ill-fated triple axel. Why the machine felt the need to grandstand like that remains unknown. Those who knew the Zamboni personally report how it normally just circled around dutifully refreshing the ice surface.

An anonymous Olympic judge who witnessed the incident said, “Maybe it thought this was its big chance. Though not the strongest skater, the machine was doing fine until it attempted the grand finale, though I’ll admit breaking an axel during a triple axel is an Olympic first.”

Vladimir Putin added, “Russia regrets this incident. It is almost as bad as when the snow making machine buried our men’s hockey team coach alive yesterday. But rest assured we will be returning your NHL players, mostly.”