The first Republican debates will be held later today in Cleveland. Yes, you heard right, home of the Drew Carey Show and the Cleveland Browndians. Sorry I don’t follow sports, especially in Ohio. The debate will be hosted by Fox News and only the top ten polling candidates are invited to play. I plan to break each winner into a separate feature, but first let’s look at all of these folks and the rhetoric that makes them great…for a comedy site. Some fear that no meaningful discourse can result from having ten people on a debate stage, which is a ridiculous view. It’s a republican debate, people! …when has there ever been any meaningful discourse?
Features
Political features and current events
The Cocky Horror Picture Show
by Mick Zano •
Grafting together a hodgepodge of red tissue and dead issues, the rightwing media has spent the better part of the 21st century galvanizing an angry zombie army of the politically clueless. This faction has a new leader, but the monster of their own creation has officially lurched off the table, broken down the castle door, and is apparently golfing in Scotland. People of Scotland: please monitor all little girls sitting near ponds or wells. At the moment, there’s only one person who controls the republican bubble and it’s alive…It’s ALIVE!!!!!
Now To Crush My Friend Pokey’s Hopes, Dreams and Aspirations
by Mick Zano •
I actually enjoyed your last post, Pokey. After all, republican moments of lucidity are becoming increasingly rare, like trans fats. My concern is how you keep missing the main points of our time. You intend to vote R in 2016, yet you’ve failed to notice how the likes of Donald Trump has your party slated for extinction? Mastodonalds? Oh, I see your point, Donald Trump: the “family values” candidate. The Republican Party is no more, my friend. It has expired and gone to meet its Super PAC. It’s voted out its mortal coil, run over the polling station and joined the bleedin’ choir intolerant!! …THIS is an Ex-Party!!
Zano Is Undermining Traditional Family Values: Especially On Weekends
by Pokey McDooris •
Zano is trying to label me as a Republican Fundamentalist. I am neither. However I do hold to the fundamental principles found in the Constitution and the Catholic faith. I can’t say that I disagree with Zano’s last post because, as usual, the scant specifics he offers come in the form of ‘knock knock’ jokes. If wit truly is “educated insolence” than let’s educate Zano, so someday his wit reaches some level of relevance. Many Americans have learned to doubt the facts the ‘experts’ espouse, because so often their facts have fallen short. One such Obama Administration fact is this, “The average family would annually save 2,500 under Obamacare.” See Zano, that’s a specific? It’s a specific claim that has proven to be false.
Perpetually Wrong Gather To Mock Historic Iran Agreement
by Mick Zano •
New York, NY—On the eve of the historic Iran nuclear agreement, a deal very few thought possible, our republican fiends were quick to gather in their Fox bunker to commence with Operation Ridicule. Don’t our 2nd Amendment rights demand we use them on Iran, right now? Think about it, Obama used sanctions, a computer virus and words to keep Iran from obtaining a nuke. What a pussy. It’s almost as bad as when Assad turned over all of his WMDs for the price of a few phone calls. Verizon Weaponless?
Benghazi V Charleston: False Narratives 101
by Mick Zano •
While Obama delivers his eulogy for a Reverend Pinckney, my thoughts remain with the people of Charleston. During Fox News’ coverage of this event, the words “racially motivated” and “terrorism” were avoided like an Ebola victim donning a suicide vest. The Fox News All Sharts tried their best to deny that the attack constituted a hate crime—one fueled by white supremacy and a semi-automatic Clip of Freedom.
I Know We Have Our Differences, Pokey, But Can’t We At Least Agree That I’m Always Right?
by Mick Zano •
I commend the notions that most religions foster, such as moral restraint, humility, community cooperation and asceticism. These are good things, but your fundamentalist approach invariably strays faster than the Ghetto Shaman on a Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Pokey is no different. There’s something inherently wrong with organized religion. It’s kind of like watching Real Time on TiVo or farting during an NPR segment of Fresh Air.
Open Up and Say “Ahhhhhh”
by Pokey McDooris •
Since both the Republican and the Democrats are owned by the economic enemies of this Republic, why do I choose to support the Republicans over the Democrats? The truth is that the Democrats are further along in their infiltration and indoctrination and thus have a more perverted effect on the younger generations who truly are the future of this nation. Zano’s Discord Nation need not apply.
The Republican Mythos: At the Mountains of Blandness
by Mick Zano •
Let’s hash out at least some of the existing myths permeating both sides of the political aisle. How did we get into such an politically polarized stupor? What was the beginning of the end? …uh, besides that 50s movie about radioactively-enlarged locusts. Both D and R have their own political origin myths and they both suck. I’ll spend more time reviewing republican mythology because the GOP needs an ideological tune-up worse than Christine and Killdozer combined.
Dear Facebook Users
by Tony Ballz •
Greetings! My name is Mark Zuckerberg, chairman and CEO of Facebook, Inc. You may have noticed that your account has been blocked and you cannot log in. Don’t panic! The solution is quite simple. Recently, we here at Facebook decided that all accounts need to bear the full legal name of the user, not a pseudonym or nickname. I’m sure at this point you’re probably thinking: What? I’ve been a loyal Facebook user for nearly a decade under the name all my friends know me by, why is this important now?