Tag Archive for donald trump

President Harvey Wall-Bugger And The Rest Of The Meteorologically Impaired

While we should all be very proud of the individual efforts of Texans during the aftermath of Harvey, let’s not let this impressive local chutzpah distract us from the key takeaway points. Wait, I’m being told the Keys have already been taken away by Irma. In 2017, we remain woefully unprepared for future meteorological events, which can mostly be attributed to a Lemony Snickets-syle series of unfortunate elections. Let’s review the Republican scorecard: 1. They didn’t want a carbon tax to reduce the CO2 levels in the atmosphere; 2. Under Trump, city planning projects are forbidden to use flood studies that take rising sea levels into consideration; 4. They never want to fund basic civil engineering projects to protect our cities in the first place, citing cost and a general repulsion to anything resembling forethought; and 5. They have always been reluctant to switch to green energies for fear of improving our species chance of survival.

Top Seven Reasons A Zombie Apocalypse Would Be Preferable To A Trump Presidency

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For most, a Zombie Apocalypse represents the apex of human fear and dread. But now, under the shadow of a Trump Presidency, many people are looking forward to one. Some groups are going so far as to actively try to trigger such an event. Dr. William Lynn told the Discord today, “We’re pulling out all the stops trying to create a Patient Zero, which will get this whole thing rocking and rolling. We have kind of an all-hands-on-deck mentality going. We would like to have the Zombie outbreak at least started before the next Trump speech or press conference. We are calling our initiative a Z-Nation upgrade.”

Trump Wows Base With Invisible Border Wall & Man Trapped In Dead End Job

Tweet Tower—President Ass-Clown Hitler energized a group of Trump supporters today at a rally in Backwash, MS. The Donald performed a mime act his own tweets describe as epic, historic, and bigly mimely. He did an impersonation of ‘man trapped in White House’, ‘man juggling numerous lies’, and for his big finale he wowed the crowd with ‘man climbing away from stench of own comments.’

Great Again! Trump Creates Over 2K New Jobs In The Tear Gas And Crowd Control Equipment Industries

Tweet Tower—The President was all smiles today after reviewing some of the latest job report numbers. Since President Trump’s election tear gas manufacturing jobs have nearly tripled and the stock market is showing a solid bump in the demand for Kevlar, a high tensile-strength polymer designed to protect a militarized police-force from the growing hipster menace. The demand for police shields, batons, and other riot control gear has also spiked in a way not seen since the Great Vampire Culling of Jersey City. Donald Trump told the press, “The fake media won’t be covering this, but it’s great news for real American fascists. Great news! I’m not even going to mention how high Tiki Torch sales have skyrocketed in recent weeks, but it’s up bigly.” #Klu-Klux-Cha-Ching

Installation Of Third Floor Zipline Aims To Make Ending White House Career Easier, Funner

Tweet Tower—Members of President Trump’s White House are not enjoying themselves and this is becoming even more apparent when it’s their turn on the old chopping block. Whether staffers leave voluntarily or are forced out, parting Team Trump is such sweet sorrow …well, except the sweet part. This is why Chief of Staff General John Kelly was determined to make leaving the premises quicker and more enjoyable for all involved. He opted to install a zipline that spans 1,287 feet and leads from the Truman Balcony all the way to an open sewer grate on 17th Street.

Much Like A Cuff And Ropeless S&M Club, Republican Ignorance Knows No Bounds

Many have asked, why do Republicans consistently vote against their own interests? CNN’s Fareed Zakaria just did a special on Why Trump Won, yet he only made a passing reference to the real culprit, namely, our tailored and targeted media. In 2017 the rightwing ‘Bubble’ can now subsist on little to no factual sustenance whatsoever. It’s like when marine biologists first discovered colonies of sea life leaching off volcanic vents, far away from the light. Thermal rants? Instead of seeking the consensus in a given field of knowledge, our conservative friends seem content to forever find that one rogue professional who supports their crapola. You know, that one dentist in ten who thinks brushing your teeth is bad for oral hygiene. Book that guy on Hannity and then watch the ensuing Breitfart headline: Pro-Cavity Dentist Destroys Lib Dental Hygienist!

Chicken & Waffling? Trump Rolls Back Threat To “Nuke Chicken Currently Stalking White House”

Tweet Tower—President Trump ordered the giant chicken parked near the White House to “stand down, or risk a tweet and profanity storm not seen on this planet since Monday.” The chicken appears to be unfazed by the president’s threats and continues to loom menacingly nearby. Secretary of Defense General James Mattis told the Discord, “This situation is contained, so there is no nuclear option on the table. I believe the president was referring to a microwavable chicken nugget and a picnic table.” General Mattis later added, “This President is not a chicken hawk, but I’ll admit his comments are rather half-baked, and you should really try to avoid that with chicken. Speaking of which, if you can get salmonella from a chicken, why can’t you get chicken pox from a salmon? That always bothered me.”