186 search results for "that keep me up at night"

The Alan Colmes of Facebook and the Comment Thread from Hell

by Mick Zano • December 12, 2011

The following was originally an 85-post comment thread. I rarely got a word in edgewise, but a few inconvenient facts ruffled some Foxeteer feathers, right on cue. What was really funny about this dialogue—which spanned three hours and completely interrupted my pornography download session—was the fact that I was the only non-Foxeteer in the virtual jungle. I am the reason this became an 85-post thread from hell. And I’d do it again…

The Facebook thread occurred on 12/3/11. The non-political posts and any and all identifying data were omitted to protect the misinformed. The “Not Z”s constitute about ficw or six peeps, all of one mind. The stuff in parenthesis is mine, added later. With near simultaneous posting at times, it was hard to keep the flow of the argument. The post started after Obama announced he was spending the next 17 days in Hawaii. This is just some highlights:

Not Z	Isn’t that precious? You go Mr. President, I’m sure there’s nothing in Washington, DC that just could just, you know, use a little elbow grease to get accomplished…I mean, it’s “just” the economy.
	2 hours ago Like Unlike

Not Z	What really bothers me is the total lack of compassion and this isn’t just regarding Dumb-bama, it’s all of the politicians who are living high off the hog while citizens suffer through the current economic crisis. There are people who have lost their jobs, their homes and their belongings due to the economy. Have a heart!
	2 hours ago Like Unlike 3 Loading…

Mick Zano	actually, day for day, Obama’s taken the least amount of vacation for any president in recent history, but who’s counting? oh yeah, Fox News.
	2 hours ago Like Unlike

Not Z	…right now, our country is in trouble from within and he’s going to be busy doing the hula while the rest of our representatives go home as well. OWS should be occupying ODC “Occupy DC”.
	2 hours ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Not Z	Actually I don’t care how much more or less any of them have taken. The fact remains that the timing is inappropriate.
	2 hours ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Mick Zano	we need a third party and have for a long long time.
	about an hour ago Like Unlike

Not Z	Join the Libertarian party. I did.
	about an hour ago Like Unlike

(agreed, but the Ron Paul section, not the Michele Section-8 Bachmann one)

Not Z

I would have preferred that he stayed on vacation for the entire time he has been in office, the economy would be straightening itself out it would be painful but it wouldn’t be as prolonged as it is now, and you haven’t seen nothing yet…..My hope for change is that he is gone next year we can’t handle another 4 yrs of him, One last thing… to Barney Frank, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out! I wish we could keep him from getting his pension, it’s sad we have to pay one of the main causes of all of this for the rest of his life. His ass should be in a jail cell!

about an hour ago Unlike Like 1 Loading…

Mick Zano	…of course, the auto industry would have collapsed outright and we’d be in a full depression, but other than that i’m sure it would be swell.
	about an hour ago Unlike Like 1 Loading…

Not Z	Good UGH the bastard! Must be nice GRRRR
	53 minutes ago Like Unlike 2 Loading…

(even though this makes no sense and is directed at me, it’s my favorite post)

Not Z	Oh yeah… and that $528 million loan to a solar-panel company Solyndra…
	50 minutes ago Like Unlike 2 Loading…

(blah, bah, blah, scandal, scandal, scandal).

Not Z

Not to mention handing GM to the unions, and screwing the shareholders who had a stake in the company including Chrysler, plus shutting down private dealerships to go along with it. We lost money on GM and Chrysler we took a hit on the shares when they were sold. GM and Chrysler could have filed bankruptcy and reorganized, cut the union stranglehold. Instead they ran with hat in hand to the government.

46 minutes ago Like Unlike 2 Loading…

Not Z	Who’s bailing out the citizens of our country. The MEAT and bones of this country? The auto industry isn’t the USA. The citizens are. People have lost their jobs, their homes, their belongings. The auto industry was losing their asses to foreign countries who built better products. So be it.
	44 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

(I agree wholeheartedly with that statement, but if you think the Republicans are the answer, ummm, good luck with that.)

Not Z	Some people will simply never admit that Obama was a mistake. He was voted into office because people thought they were making history. That’s not a reason to vote for anyone.
	42 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Not Z	Biggest mistake besides Carter.
	39 minutes ago Like Unlike 2 Loading…

(the Obama/Carter comparison goes on for some time. They’re forgetting that Bush was the biggest mistake since Buchanan. Sorry, I’m switching back to porn.)

Not Z	I am an independent, but there will be all R’s on my ballot next year, I will never vote for a democrat again until this party is purged of the liberal progressives that are destroying it, it is not the party that our parents and grandparents used to know.
	35 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

(And the Republicans are still the party of fiscal sanity? Please. Independent means capable of independent thought. Hint: thus far you haven’t had any.)

Mick Zano	the economy ended in november of 2008, i believe obama was a senator then. sorry you’re all just getting the message now.
	34 minutes ago Unlike Like 1 Loading…

Not Z	Ah-hem, which party had control of congress in 2008? Yeah.
	32 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

(Much cheers and accolades for that one.)

Not Z	You beat me to it, girlfriend, Democrats had the house, Senate, and presidency for 2 yrs, instead of helping of fixing things they pushed a health care law no one wanted, and is unconstitutional, oh remember this……
	27 minutes ago Like Unlike 2 Loading…

(So Obamacare was pushed pre-Obama?)

Not Z	We’d better watch what we say on here. The latest bill passed that allows the military to arrest and detain US citizens indefinitely.
	26 minutes ago Like Unlike

Mick Zano	actually, the congressional budget office states the biggest deficit creators were 1) the bush tax cuts and 2) iraq (why?) and Afghanistan, and then 3) fannie and freddie
	21 minutes ago Unlike Like 1 Loading…

(Oh, and that bill you mentioned is called the Patriot Act and it passed under Bush.)

Not Z	Oh… well that’s settled. If the congressional budget office says it’s so… I’d be more likely to believe the credibility in a report from the National Enquirer
	58 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Not Z	Tax cuts are only a deficit if there is no control on spending, If I take a pay cut at work i’m not going to go out and buy a crap load of stuff I can’t afford, same for the government, entitlements are killing us, look at europe, it’s our future if we don’t stop spending
	55 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Not Z	It is a proven fact that the government makes more money when taxes are low, there is more investment, more spending, you keep taking away from the people who create the jobs they stop investing and hiring and spending
	54 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

(when anyone on the right says ‘proven fact’ take notice. It would seem to make sense value but a comprehensive look at global economies by Annie Lowery at Slate Magazine found no such correlation. For a recent example, look at growth under tax-happy Clinton vs no-taxes-no-jobs Bush. Always remember, Fox News is based on false assumptions. Then they simply focus on those few facts that support their ideology…and it’s working.)

Not Z	Precisely why there are fewer and fewer jobs here that pay well, dude.
	52 minutes ago Like Unlike

(Yes, the one percent are the job creators. Hey, look at that, lesbian bondage!)

Not Z	China’s is going to get sick of paying for us to borrow from them and give to other countries. It’s going to be rough when they tell us they want their loan paid in full.
	50 minutes ago Like Unlike

Not Z	If this idiot (Obama) would unleash the oil and natural gas we have in our own country, cut taxes, get rid of Obama care we would be on a turn around like we have never seen
	47 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Mick Zano	i wasn’t for the bailouts (dailydiscord.com) and i protested on ‘shock and awe’ day when we bombed Iraq, so not sure i need the lecture about spending. i have also found arguing against a slew of fox news talking points very entertaining.
	47 minutes ago Unlike Like 1

(I shouldn’t have done that. Here comes the shit storm.)

Not Z	I hate being someone’s bitch!!! Here’s an idea. In the next election, people should vote for the opposite candidate that all the brain dead celebs support.
	46 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Not Z	Typical progressive. Tries to win arguments by making ridiculous assumptions about people and calling those who disagree with him names. And then, we wonder where kids learn how to bully others. Duh!!
	45 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

(I had to fix ‘duh’. She spelled it with an ‘a’.)

Not Z	I heard that Fox viewers have higher IQ’s. Obviously.
	44 minutes ago Like Unlike

(Dah!)

Not Z	I don’t have to hate Fox News to know this man is a problem, I was going to vote for him at first, I was under his spell, right up until I saw things about his past, and when he told the plumber “When you spread the wealth around it’s good for everyone” I was done with him, I saw what he truly was, and sadly I was right.
	42 minutes ago Like Unlike

(Yes, when 1% owns 99% of the wealth, the 1% should get more money…er, great point.)

Not Z	did ACORN forget to pick you up from the streets, register you and take you to the polls to vote for him?
	40 minutes ago Like Unlike

(Yeah, ACORN! Indeed, evil community organizations were ultimately our undoing, weren’t they?)

Not Z	Joy Behar and Whoopie Goldberg! There’s my candidate meter! Whoever they hate the most is my winner!
	38 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

(Then came a barrage of Hollywood celeb bashing. I agree, the women on The View are morons, but the problem is they’re comparable to your candidates.)

Not Z	Uh Oh, I just realized I put God in that last sentence, I hope the ACLU don’t sue me over it, I better watch out for the PC police
	37 minutes ago Like Unlike 2 Loading…

Not Z	Pretty soon they’ll just arrest you and throw you in a cell. 3 hots and a cot!
	36 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Not Z	How about all those celebs, who made that creepy I PLEDGE video!!!
	33 minutes ago Like Unlike

Not Z	Hey Mick, I know us brainwashed Fox news zombies can’t change your mind, but enjoyed debating with you, and don’t worry when we get a real leader in the office he will show you how to truly fix things.
	28 minutes ago Like Unlike 1

(I agree, but who? I like Ron Paul. He would make some truly horrible sweeping systemic changes, but he would also make some great ones. And the rest of the Republican nominees are dangerously incompetent.)

Mick Zano	Oh, and good luck with Gingrich, let me know how that works out for ya (; This was better than that 17 day vacation i had planned in Hawaii. good night!
	24 minutes ago Like Unlike 1

I only commented four times in this post, but I wanted that last joke and would not be denied. Having no life and living in Mountain Time, I had but to wait. During this entertaining rhetoric everyone liked and backed each other’s comments, almost immediately. An hour into things I started liking my own posts for fun. Each of my scant posts only received one like. Yep, from me! Oh, I don’t care about anybody else, but when I argue politics I like myself. Ohhh ohh…come on, everybody.

This is clearly a case study for some future anthropological study. To be lectured on the loss of freedom by people who either ignored or supported the Patriot Act and voted for Incurious George twice is a joyous event—one akin to zipping my penis up into my fly. Indefinitely disbanding Habeas Corpus, Cheney’s Secret Police, torture, etc…none of these resonate, but Obama’s…er, what did he do to expand his already expanded role again?

Are they correct about some things? Sure. Dems are culpable for 35% of our demise, but the fact that the mother load—roughly 65% of the blame—has been so white washed, I would say it’s a Tom Sawyer wet dream. Obama didn’t cause this shit and there aint nobody gonna fix it, least of all your guy. This has been my position for a long time. In fact, it’s been my position since American Idol debuted. I still believe, Sanjaya!

Republicans have figured out precious little since then. They lost their taste for empire, which is nice, but otherwise….

Despite that ‘occupy’ statement or the occasional independent-esque shout out, most of these folks are clearly not libertarians or independents—these are Foxeteers, or at least their comments can easily lead one to conclude this fact. Oh, and before all of you “libertarians” vote for Newt Gingrich, his record on freedom and individual rights is frightening. It’s the same argument, time after time. It’s Groundhog Debate. According to a Foxeteer, the problems over the last decade can be summed up thusly:

The 1% are the job creators
Revenues = bad
Government = big & evil
ACORN
Socialism
Obamacare
Fannie and Freddie
Ground Zero Mosque
Stimulus/Bailouts
Dems ruled the Congress in 2008
Birth certificate
Border Wall
George Soros
Solyndra
ACLU
Over Spending (since 2009)
Obama, Obama, Obama! That evil man
Fast & Furious

With a couple of notable exceptions, a lot of this shit occurred post the collapse and the rest is quite meaningless in the grand scheme of things. But, I agree, it does constitute 35% of the problem. Yet somehow this is a definitive and exhaustive list of how we got here. But, hey, there’s always Fannie and Freddie and good old Barney Frank to blame. Congratulations, you understand one part of one of our problems. Whoo hoo! At this rate you’ll understand everything that’s happened in recent U.S. history…er, nope, global warming will likely kill you first. But don’t worry, someone will probably convince you it’s all part of God’s pre-rapture roasting.

Besides Birthers and mosques, we managed to hit most of the key “arguments,” or Fox News talking points. These are the same ones that have been drilled into their heads by the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world (in a coordinated effort to get them to continue voting against their own interests). Had the argument gone on 4 hours instead of 3, I’m sure we’d have hit them all. Yep, they stick to the script. It’s a sad, sad script but it’s not completely without merit…just mostly.

They think my argument is completely without merit, even though I agree with them on 35% of their argument. Yep, not exactly math majors. Look, I’m not talking about these folks specifically, but debate one Foxeteer and you’ve debated them all. That’s the problem. None of them have an original thought in their heads. It’s all rightarrhea. In fact, I’m reaching for the Kaopec-debate right now.

One post claimed I was “a typical progressive reverting to name calling.” She must be a prophet, because, sure, I’m calling them Foxeteers now, but I never did during the actual exchange. I was very well behaved. Listen, the only way to break your Foxeteer designation is to show just a sliver of an inkling of an independent thought, but that rarely happens (whether it’s a three hour online debate or a three year one). The only thing they can agree on is their hatred for Obama. They wanted no bailouts in January of 2009 and were content to have the Bush Depression. Just several years of carrot soup and everything would be right and good in the world. They’re forgetting about our bond rating and the fact the dollar would no longer be the global standard, aka, we’d be completely screwed indefinitely. But other than that…

For all of my “progressive name calling” I just mentioned some facts. Mentioning facts that don’t jive with the programming will often illicit a very negative response, like Pavlov’s blogs. My comments were just a few facts sprinkled into their bullshit sundae.

Here are the Foxeteer’s blind spots:

George Bush (ranked third to last amongst American presidents and dropping).
Dick Cheney (Sith Lord & war criminal)
Patriot Act (very unpatriotic)
Koch Brothers (the source of your thoughts and firmly held false assumptions)
Torture (yep, by every definition in the book)
Abu Ghraib (just some fraternity pranks that aided Al-Qaeda recruitment capabilities)
Lying us into an unnecessary war (which one was that again? Hmmm)
TARP (700 billion MIA)
Bush’s unfunded drug supplement program
Bush tax cuts (largest long term deficit creator)
Bank Practices (sociopathic?)
Global Warming (but there’s still 1 out of 10 climatologists who agree with Fox)
Wall Street greed (psychopathic?)
Overspending (pre 2009. Hint: it wasn’t pretty)
Politicizing the Justice Department (in Gonzales we trust)
The 1% now own 99% of the wealth (oh, and they’re not going to hire you, because you’re an idiot.)

Yeah, the other 65% of the problem does not compute…at all…with any of them. It resonates in the same way a feather would upon landing in a pit of tar. Did they mention any of these during the debate? Do they ever? Nope. It flies in the face of the Matrix.

You gave away your rights while you were reciting the Fox News talking points of the day and you were just as wrong about shit then as you are now. Did you notice the comment, “Oh, Congressional Budget office Numbers, I would rather believe the National Enquirer or some such?”

That’s the problem, dear…you are.

The non partisan Congressional Budget Office certainly has less of an ax to grind than the Heritage Group, the Koch Brothers, or any of the other places you derive your non-Euclidian Bachmannese math (NEBM) from. How are you so sure of your views and opinions at all? Wait, I know, ideology and misinformation perpetuated by a defunct news organization that rhymes with cocks spews.

Ann Coulter is the best at reducing things to one flippant nonsensical remark. A spokesperson for the Tea Party did the same thing recently on Bill Maher.

Elliot Spitzer was using the German economy as a model for potential reforms in our own, and this guy responded thusly, “Oh, so you want us to become Germany?”

That’s it, the argument reduced to one ridiculous statement. As far as the economy is concerned, YES, we’d like to be Germany!

Here’s the problem: you’re all going to elect the next Bush, willingly and openly, without the benefit of proper lubrication. Ask your doctor if Presidential H is right for you. Where’s that Kaopec-debate?

I may or may not vote for Obama, but why is voting for a mediocre president so frightening to you? Foxeteers still don’t get the scorecard. They’re a little slow…a tortoise on ‘ludes slow. Look, if Obama’s presidency ended today historians would grade him thusly:

Obama’s Score Card:

Domestic Front = C –

He certainly deserves some credit for avoiding a depression and saving Detroit (while turning a profit on the latter), but admittedly not much credit. He hasn’t turned the economy around, nor will he. Capitalism, the way we know it, ended in November of 2008.

Foreign diplomacy = B + (with still some potential for an A!)

In the most critical time period in many decades, with a broken economy and military, this guy pulled off some wicked shit on a shoe string budget. We’re finding out even today how the electronic war with Iran may have been even more effective than we realized. We could have saved trillions if we implemented Obama’s approach to fighting Al-Qaeda over Bush’s nation building. He used Bush’s expansion of the executive branch for the powers good, smart power. If he were a Republican, he would be hailed as Reagan Jr.

George W. Bush’s Score Card:

Domestic Front = F (I still have the PTSD)

Foreign diplomacy = F (I’m still on medication)

That’s what the history books will say, no matter how much Foxaganda begs to differ. Obama’s popularity and his domestic score will continue to tank as our economy, in its death throes, finally succumbs to decades of poor decisions. But, under Bush, we muddled through eight of some of the darkest years in our nation’s history. And next to none of you realized what was happening to our economy or to our civil liberties in real time. So until you figure out how we got here, you have no right to complain. You weren’t bellyaching when American citizens were being picked up off the street, without due process, some even tortured to the point of mental illness or death.

Not Z: Oh yeah, name one!

Mick Zano: Sure, Jose Padilla.

The government has way too much power. True. We spend too much. True. But Republicans have made just as big a mess of things, if not more. Add to the fact that you’re not even allowed to consider or comment on the corporate chaos inherent in our system…so how do I say this nicely? Umm, you’re not helping. Go drink some tea, skip the party.

To be fair, I don’t know if these folks despise R and D equally (a position I hold dear), but, if you’re only capable of regurgitating propaganda (hint: you might be a Foxeteer).

Again, I’m not saying your arguments are completely without merit, it’s the disturbing fact that you’re only permitted to acknowledge certain aspects of our problem. Sorry, but objective thinking is dead. The story of our demise has several chapters and the Foxeteers are only permitted to quote from the dedication page and the introduction. Whether you’re conservative or liberal, there’s no defending today’s media, especially Fox News. They’re a disgrace. And I will continue to say this to the chagrin of nearly 40% of our population: you are the story within the story of our time, and it’s not a very good story.

By all means, hit the contact button for a rebuttal. You’ll get a fair shake, because we’re fairly unbalanced here at the Daily Discord.

by Mick Zano • November 26, 2011

Washington, DC—Heartland Congressman, William Marshall, is calling for the immediate banishment of all Muppets and all citizens who test positive for the Muppet gene. Marshall is not alone, as most real Americans feel Muppets are not real, nor are they Americans.

“They aren’t like us. They’re dangerous,” said Marshall, an avid X-men fan. “We should identify all of them immediately and send them to that island off the coast of Africa with the rest of the Brotherhood of Mutants.”

Sarah Palin also joked about hunting Muppets from her helicopter.

“My fellow Americans are right about the need to sepregate these things from the general population,” said Palin. Her staff then spent the rest of the night desperately trying to add the word sepregate to Wikipedia.

Radio television personality, Rush Limbaugh, believes, “It’s the job of the government to keep its citizens safe from any and all threats domestic and Fozzy.” Limbaugh differs, however, on where to send them. “The Land of Misfit Toys near the North Pole will suffice. Let Santa Claus deal with these Henson genegineered monstrosities!”

by The Crank • August 29, 2011

As I sit here at my place of employment, gazing out at what has become the biggest fiasco-slash-cluster fuck of any city utility improvement project ever, I can’t help but think, wow, there really are more incompetent people than at the dailydiscord.com. Hey, if you hyperlink to where you already are does that create a virtual wormhole? Try it.

It started almost one year ago, when the City of Glendale, AZ, sent a letter warning all those businesses potentially effected that the city was about to embark on a mission to install a six-foot diameter drainpipe down the center of Northern Ave. This pipe would re-route the massive amount of water we here, in the DESERT, need. Set to take a reported three months, it’s been about ten now, but who’s counting? Well, I am, because for most of the time they have been at this, it has been nearly impossible to egress or ingress the parking lot from which I derive my income. The Discord only pays me in Twinkies, you see. I’m not complaining, but rent money would be nice too.

When they first started this, the lovely lady from the City of Glendale, in charge of traffic flow for the project, came to my place of employ for a meet and greet. She then made what was to become the biggest mistake of her life. She gave me her cell phone number and said to call her with any complaints/questions. As she did so, I giggled, knowing full well that this New Yorker—pre-destined by his gene pool to spend the rest of his life on the surface of the Sun—was gonna have some ‘fun’ with this traffic flow lady.

First, they took the four lanes of traffic down to two outside lanes, closing off all left turns in either direction indefinitely. That was the start of the ‘round robin,’ the ‘you can’t get there from here’ madness that was to become the flow of traffic around my workplace going on for nearly a year. With little else to do, as there was only sound of crickets in my driveway, I watched them as they dug up a large trench down the middle of the road to install a six-foot diameter corrugated drainpipe. They then filled and paved the trench…little did I realize, this would be the first of many times.

When they got to the intersection of 61st Avenue and West Northern, they exhumed the pipe hole a total of six times. Each time doing something, like: running a power line, then filling and paving, then re-exhumation, then run a telephone line, then refilling and repaving, ad nauseam. Then they re-exhumed the beast to run a gas line, followed by some more refilling and repaving. A total six times total, over six months. Still no left turns anywhere. I was reduced to reading the Daily Discord hourly (not recommended). When someone would actually come in to my place of business, it was usually a worker or rent-a-cop to use the bathroom. When they finally got done with the intersection, they went on to a dozen other intersections, doing the same fucking crap-dance for each one. I guess the thought of scheduling ALL of the utilities there AT THE SAME TIME was a foreign concept to them.

By this time, the only people filling our parking lot were workers from the project (even the crickets had moved on because of all the noise). Soon after another complaint to the traffic flow lady, a large hard hatted fellow burst into my store…surely to intimidate me into passivity, as it were. He did not figure on me. As he started his rant about “just doing his job” I slowly stood up. It was then that the hard hatted man got an earful of angry New Yawker.

“I don’t get a salary like you, I am full commission, and I have to sell something to get any. And your fucking trucks are blocking the few clients I have left from accessing my store. So MOVE THEM NOW, Bob the Blunder!”

In ten minutes they were gone, never to appear again.

With the workers temporarily away from our business, we thought we would soon return to normal. That was not to be the case, oh no. We received a notice that the, now buried-like-James-fucking-Hoffa, drainpipe had failed its test. A test they did after it was installed. And well covered. And paved over. And guess what? Yup, it all had to come out. All the utilities had to be re-exhumed and re-routed and a new pipe needed to be installed. It all was happening again, like a bad fucking dream. It was kind of like that movie Groundhog Day only slightly more repetitive. I guess this is some of Obama’s ‘shovel ready’ jobs…jobs designed to bury my own.

As this was all going down, I was in, shall we say, constant touch with the traffic flow lady. She was by now feeling the full-blown effect of her previous decision to give me her number. It was not good for her, but it did help alleviate the urges to commit mass murder that I was having at the time.

Now, keep in mind, all of this was week day-daytime only work. You know, union type 9am to 5 pm, no nights, no weekends. Nothing to “upset the residents,” or so I was told. Upset the residents? This was all to appease the ‘residents’ so that the once per millennia we have rain it would not leak into their poorly designed houses? Fuck them. Keep them up all weekend for all I care. Did I mention this is a business district?

After eight months, watching six of my co-workers take ‘the final trip home’ due to the drop off in business, they told us they were about to do the final paving and striping. Final, well…not so much. These people’s idea of final is worse than those Final Destination producers.

First, they had to dig up all the asphalt that was the result of eight months of cluster-fucking, plus some 30 years filling potholes and repaving. They then had to lay down two layers of asphalt. All this meant the re-closing of various lanes over various weeks. They got about two thirds of the way done with the final coat, when all work stopped. For about two weeks the pylons were there, but no one was working. Then came the news: the initial layer of asphalt had failed ITS test, a test done after it was down and covered.

Then the lovely Vogon-type, planet-devouring machines returned…the ones that eat asphalt like I eat Twinkies. Have you ever been near such a device as it was happily eating fresh laid asphalt? Fillings get loosened, windows vibrate, bladders lose their loads, and tempers flare. By this point I was calling the poor traffic lady hourly but was only getting her voicemail (wonder why?). I adapted to this by just screaming into the phone for as long as the message would allow.

Yesterday the final striping went down. I fully expected to come in this morning and see something I haven’t seen in almost a year, a road unencumbered by cones and workers—a silent road. It was then I saw the men with the air powered hammers cutting a large trench across the newly laid and striped asphalt. Traffic flow lady’s phone had been completely disconnected at this point. The only good move she’d made in months.

As the Philatrenchia Experiment continues, keep in mind, I have watched the City of New York rebuild two-million-cars-a-day roads, like the Cross Bronx Expressway, without ever closing it. They worked all nights and weekends and managed to keep all lanes open each and every rush hour. If they failed at this, there were fines aplenty. They also gave the construction companies a large bonus for work done early. What a concept, huh Arizona? Meanwhile, does anyone know the new number of that traffic flow lady?

by Mick Zano • June 7, 2011

NHL Charges Goaltender for 3rd Intermission Zamboni Fuel

Vancouver, BC—Eleven seconds into overtime, the Boston Bruins goaltender, Tim Thomas, dove away from his crease, allowing the Canuck’s to score into an empty net and win game two of the Stanley Cup finals. As a result, the NHL and the Rogers Arena in Vancouver is charging the goaltender for all of the costs accrued to keep the building heated, lit, and the ice cleaned between the third period and the aforementioned eleven second overtime period.

“I had to fight throngs of Canadian types to get a hot dog, and then I didn’t even get back to my seat in time,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “We were looking for some overtime energy, some great plays, incredible feats, and what did we get? Bupkis, that’s what.”

“I got that ice all friggin’ shiny for what, eh?!” complained a Zamboni driver at Vancouver’s Rogers Arena. “That’s fifteen minutes of circling at low speeds that I’ll never get back, eh.”

The ‘eh’ is Canadian for ‘you know.’

According to the script, presented to the teams weeks ahead of time, one of those Sedin twins was supposed to score on a breakaway in double overtime. This dramatic conclusion was completely derailed by the goaltender’s near immediate flub.

“It was the finals,” said Bettman, “And it was a Saturday night game. A lot of thought went into the choreography for this event, so I don’t have any sympathy for that bozo. He can pay the damned bill, and for my hot dog!”

by Mick Zano • March 22, 2011

Plume with a View: The Best Place to View Radioactive Cloud is Southwestern U.S.

Los Angeles, CA—The arriving radioactive plume from Japan can be fun for all ages, but taking some precautions is necessary. Remember that black light you had in your room as a kid? Well, it’s not going to be anything like that. The best place to enjoy the glow show this weekend is Southern California. The optimum way to view the radioactive plume is to get far away from city lights, which in the case of L.A. is probably best anyway. You might want to dress appropriately for the display, like in a radiation suit. The World Health Organization is not sure if the dangerous fallout will create mutant hordes, some giant prehistoric fire breathing creature, or just enlarge insects of some variety or another. Regardless, it’s best to be prepared—with a will.

There is a slight chance of growing an extra appendage or gills during the festivities. Although, gills might seem cool, don’t go in the water. It’s probably not safe. In the event of mutant hordes, keep in mind, they always return to their subterranean dwellings by dawn. So you just have to stay alive until then.

Upper winds are blowing the glowing plume right toward us, so all you need to do is grab your recliner and your iodine pills, kick back, and enjoy the show!

Good night and good….ahahahHHaaHHAAA. Giant crickets!!

by Mick Zano • February 21, 2011

Sure, I live here in the good old U.S. of A.—you won’t find me anywhere else, at least until my parole ends—but my pride in my country is faltering. Does this make me un-American? Let’s say America is your child and he or she just started knocking over liquor stores on weekends; isn’t it better parenting to confront that child rather than ignore the problem? America is like our bouncing baby Lindsay Lohan. She’s been out drinking all night and the checkbook’s missing again.

So it’s time for another patriotard reality check. Nationalism has its place, but not when it becomes a liability. Liberals are always painted as un-American and there’s certainly some truth to this statement. Although I don’t categorize myself as a liberal, I do feel the need to come to the aid of those less-than-enthusiastic citizens among us. I think trying to hold this country to a higher standard is far more patriotic than the endless cover-ups over at The Weekly Standard. It’s not un-American to simply point out the fact: hey, we’re really starting to suck. I think Christine Aguilera can work that into our anthem; she may have already.

What exactly is real America still so jazzed about? Is it the vulturistic feeding frenzy that passes as good business these days? I know, I know, you like capitalism so much you need to receive telemarketing calls 24/7, right? I love spam on my computer, at home, at the office, on the street, on the frigging fax machine…I can’t get enough of the stuff. Oh, and I sent that 25 bucks to that royal prince who couldn’t access his overseas account, and what did I get? Bupkis! Damned royal princes.

So you like the ponzi scheme our economy has become over the last few decades? “The only thing that works is a free market,” said the mogul to the moron. Even Glenn where’s-my-Zyprexa Beck agrees our economy is a ponzi scheme. Are you proud of the fact the dollar died in November of 2008 and our President, a reasonably intelligent person, either isn’t telling us the truth or hasn’t figured that out? Are you proud of the last throes of the U.S. dollar? A currency that has no actual value anymore in this dimensional plane of existence? Wait until it’s no longer the world currency…that’ll be a hoot.

Do you like how much influence and power lawyers have these days? How TORT reform is only addressed by those not in power? Don’t worry, that next group’ll fix those legal eagles, fer sure.

This is a fun fact: more people die of doctors than guns these days. Oh, I know what you’re so proud of: the fact the U.S. is 21^st in literacy, and dropping…or how about 29^th in infant mortality? And how did the WHO manage to rank the #1 healthcare system in the world 37^th? What does Roger Daltry know about medicine anyhow? He just hopes he dies before he ge-ge-ge-gets old.

How about this gem: our species is designed to improve upon itself, yet, for the first time, America has actually become dumber in recent years, despite this evolutionary impulse. Did you swell with pride reading that one? Something swelled for me too, but it might just be because I’m writing this post in a vegan joint and I’m the only dude here. Humanahumana-hummus.

Do you love a country that insists on John McCain’s tax cuts so he can buy his ninth house while his state attempts to cut off half its Medicaid recipients? Build that fence high, John. Not the one on the border, the one around your house.

Are you proud of the fact that 40% of our population is still ready and willing to vote-in a person so grossly under qualified, she should not even head a PTA meeting, let alone a country? Yeah, I’m talking to you, Snooki.

Or are you more proud of the fact we can’t trust the vast majority of our lawyers, our bankers, our brokers, our politicians? You know what I think it is? It’s the complete illegitimacy of our media, that’s it! Facts aren’t really facts anymore, data can be bent to absurdity, and nothing is even mentioned unless it supports some ideology or another. I should start a blog. I can prove anything now! Comedian Jon Stewart was recently ranked the most trusted journalist on the left and, I’m sure the right will find someone equally trustworthy, someday. Dennis Miller?

Are you proud of the fact that the only group who covers up more rapes than our armed forces is our churches? Are you proud of our reality television personalities? Are you proud of the fact Gerber products contain high amounts of high fructose corn syrup? Largest waistlines in the world? How did that happen? Hmmm.

Are you proud that pharmaceutical research is geared toward endless symptom relief, not any genuine cures? Are you proud of 100 years of psychotherapy and the world keeps getting sicker? Yep, my field sucks too, but probably not as much as yours.

Are you proud that we’re not willing to change our lifestyles to save our environment (hint: it’s going to change drastically anyway). And, yes, you can take that both ways: economy and environment.

Or is it that we dismantled the Bill of Rights and chose to embrace torture to defend our “principles”? On a related note, are you proud that our former president can’t travel abroad because he’s deemed a war criminal? Oh, you can omit deemed, he’s an f-ing war criminal.

Are you proud that our way of life is subsidized by the continued exploitation of third world countries?

I tease America out of love. There is lot of good in America, despite America…but sorry, those paying attention can see just how bad things have gotten in the last decade. In fact, I was pointing it out long before most of my colleagues, who seem to have all the answers now. Does this make me un-American? I always mention 2003, that was really the beginning of the end for America. You’ll never see what the Iraq War cost us on any graph over in the Fox lands. It’s been effectively erased from all graphs and pie charts. I felt pretty darn un-American for protesting on Shock & Awe day. I had never been jeered at and had things hurled at me out of car windows before—well, not sober.

And I have to say, I understand Michelle Obama’s “First time I was proud of America” moment a lot more than I understand Rumsfeld saying yesterday on Fox “I don’t think America has anything to apologize for.” You don’t remember Abu Ghraib, Sunshine? I think I’m sorry…for you. Likewise, I feel Michael Moore’s somewhat exaggerated attack on capitalism is closer to the mark than the Fox Business News version. And, yes, I’ll take the Colbert Nation over Hannity’s America every time. Does that make me a liberal? Sorry, I think that makes me observant.

by Mick Zano • February 14, 2011

Las Vegas, NV–What’s better on Valentine’s Day than some old football coverage?! Somehow I am back in Vegas for the third time already in 2011, which is three more reasons Bald Tony is considering relocating. I am back at the Riviera covering this Super Game, knowing little about football and even less about roman numerals.

Why am I here, you ask? Well, Tony keeps getting free shit and when he gets free shit, he knows that’s my price. If you read Tony’s article on pizza last week, he mentioned I took this meditation detox challenge thingie…uhh, then he gets three more nights at the Riviera, free booze and food at a Super Game party, and, lo and behold, I fumble the detox challenge. Come to think of it, I don’t believe the detox gods were ever on my side, now Dionysius and Bacchus, those cats have my back (now if only they had my liver).

When Winslow heard we would be at the Super Game party at the Riviera, he insisted one of us cover the event. The bastard. I actually feel other sports are for people who don’t play hockey, but Mr. Winslow can be persuasive…in a Sith Lord kind of way.

2:10 PST – Prior to the big game, Bill O’Reilly interviewed Barak Obama. I had no idea football fans were so informed. I couldn’t hear one word over the rabble at the Queen Victoria Pub, but I’m sure it was fair and balanced.

2:16 PST – It’s time to finish our pints and head to the event. Tony decided to mess with me almost immediately. He vowed not to help me understand the game in any way. The bastard. He won’t even tell me who’s playing. The cheese-headed people wandering about lead to me believe there is a Wisconsin team involved and I thought the other team was the Dallas Cowboys …maybe because the game is being held in Dallas?! But I’m beginning to question this conclusion with all the Steelers fans milling about (have I mentioned I hate football?).

2:22 PST – My pint of liquid coverage is down. It is time to drop off the laptop in the hotel room, grab the old fashioned paper and pen, and report to the Grande Ballroom for the first pitch.

God would want us to cover this important game

2:26 PST – Neither Tony or I have any paper or any writing implements of any kind. So Bald Tony opts to take some pages out of the hotel Bible.

2:34 PST – Pens were obtained even more heretically and then back downstairs and over to the event. The line to enter the Grande Ballroom is long. I’m losing my buzz. Somewhere Jim Morrison is singing your ballroom days are over, baby.

3:23 PST – Did she sing “twilight’s last reaming?” Hmmm. In retrospect it would have been better to live tweet this bitch.

3:31 PST – Announcer states, Packers v Steelers, as if you needed another reminder. OK, so it’s the Packers v the Steelers. Now we’re getting somewhere.

3:35 PST – Thank god the game started, the buffet line is finally clearing.

4:25 PST – At critical point in the action I called fellow Discordian, and avid Steeler fan, Dave Atsals, and told him, “Stop everything you’re doing! I need a picture of Michele Bachman with a penis on her head for an article that posts tomorrow!” Heh, heh.

4:26 PST – People in the immediate vicinity seem perplexed why I shouted “penis on Michele Bachman’s head” into my cell phone.

4:47 PST – Beware of free invitations. Here’s my view during the 7th inning stretch.

4:55 PST – Something just happened. No more guacamole at the bean dip bar!

5:00 PST – Discovered something important and switched from Bud Light from the server to rum and cokes over at the bar.

5:15 PST – Something is happening in the game, but I just tried to use the stirrer as a straw. No liquid has emerged despite my best efforts.

????? – In the end the team with the yellow pants won.

????? – Some minor damages back in the hotel room. Don’t tell Tony…

The next day it was tough to figure out this picture. Not sure, exactly. It was either part of the half time show, or there was something in the bean dip that shouldn’t have been.

by Alex Bone • November 29, 2010

Al Gore , Men In Green, and the HARP that will Destroy Earth!

Collapsing Shack, AZ—This is some serious breaking news: now that this distracting election is over, it’s time to push aside useless labels like Tea Bagger, Bleeding Heart Liberal, Limp-Wristed Cow-Kissing Independent, or Humanitarian Sheep-Humping Dingleberry. None of these things matter in the face of the 100 Angry Men and their lacky, nay, their leader, nay, their Supreme Allied Commander…Al Gore.

Sometimes the Discord actually breaks news instead of merely breaking news into ‘tiny shards of sensationalism’. Google won’t verify anything I’m about to say, because they’re in on the conspiracy. Google has been manipulated by these angry men, also known as the mysterious Men In Green (MIG). Only a small underground knows the truth. Through a mixture of ill luck, Odysseusian exhaustion, and booze, I found myself a participant in a plot that will surely shake the very core of human existence.

The other night one of these Men In Green ended up at The Green Room, my favorite bar. I don’t know what they were looking for there, but what they found was some awesome drink specials and yours truly—a combination that would prove their undoing. I will tell you what I know. If I disappear, they got to me…or, I got drunk. I’m sure it’ll be one of the two. These MIGs have no country, but move throughout the world like shadows and, no, they don’t get felt up at airports; lucky bastards.

I got two of these MIG dudes drunk back at The Green Room and while they were in the can I accessed one of their laptops. Apparently, these men control the wealth of the world and their word can change nations or economies overnight, to say nothing of extending all happy hours indefinitely! So why was I buying all the beer? Geesh, in retrospect, it’s a shame I spent most of the time logging into their Facebook pages to have all their friends befriend Jack Primus and The Daily Discord. Hindsight is always 20/20, or in my case, a beer goggly 30/40.

I learned a lot perusing their files; suddenly everything made sense. Do you really think we elected Bush twice? It’s the game beneath the game. Gore never wanted the presidency and then maneuvered Bush into a second term. This was all part of the plan. This group even allowed Fox lies to keep the ’04 election close enough so we wouldn’t suspect any foul play. These Men In Green currently hate everyone except commies. These guys love commies. As they swerved away into the night their bumper sticker read: Pinko is the New Green.

I just heard something outside the window? I hope it’s just the Ghetto Shaman trying to get me to buy him some more Robitussin. Otherwise, they’re onto me. I just hope I have enough time to send this off, finish this twelve-pack, and eat those last few slices of pizza from last night. Damn, that was a good spicy Hawaiian…

I almost forgot to put on my aluminum foil hat! There, that should block their transmission for the few more minutes I’ll need. They aren’t settling for just sucking the world’s resources dry, like some Bond villain. These fiends believe the world is overpopulated so they mean to cull the herd! That’s where Al Gore comes in. He is their leader in the guise of an affable fool. Their most treasured secret is this: Al Gore’s world shattering H.A.R.P.! You think Al Gore is against Global Warming, hah! That’s nothing but another clever ruse. According to these Men In Green, Al Gore has a dreadful harp-like machine and when he plays this Human Apocalyptic Reprogramming Per-whatsas (H.A.R.P.)…well, lean in closer. It actually causes global warming!

Why are they trying to kill us? That’s the creepy part. The truth is this: they like fluffy little animals better. They think humans are all wicked and unredeemable. Sure, it’s true, but it’s still not a nice thing to say.
I heard something again. I had better attach and send this document to Pierce Winslow before they set off another electro-magnetic pulse. Shit…get another slice of pizza or warn mankind? Damn you saucy pineappley yumminess!

So we have nothing to look forward to, other than these 100 Angry Men stealing as much money as they can and then destroying the world. They’ll leave our planet a Road Warrior wasteland while they move into their mansions in Antarctica, party with Gwar, and laugh as the rest of the world becomes a lifeless desert. Worse yet, they don’t seem to buy any rounds of alcohol despite almost C. Montgomery Burns levels of wealth!

I’d like to quote the Lord Humungus, “What a puny plan!” but I hear they are already booking flights to the South Pole. They left Al Gore in the center of a hidden Tobacco patch, plucking away on his malign H.A.R.P. from Hell. I emailed the above picture from their laptop to myself and then onward to The Daily Discord. Do you think they’ll check their sent mail? Damn. I think they’re in the house now.

Still don’t believe me? Well, I don’t give a pluck what you think. You’ll be playing a different tune when the oceans roll over the cities and the forests turn to dust. Don’t come running to me when that doomsday H.A.R.P plays its final stanza as our fingers grasp through the burning sands in the hopes of unearthing some old sandwiches or the warm beer of a dead world.

And always remember, It Could Happen to Harpo!

by Mick Zano • October 21, 2010

The argument last week on The View really highlights the psychological pitfalls the major factions of our country face today—namely liberalism and Foxaryanism. The first affliction has the common side effect of defending the indefensible, and the second, near as I can tell, is some type of Pervasive Voting Disorder (PVD) that strikes the terminally gullible.

Bill O’Reilly, representing the Fox News constituency, can’t see where lumping in radical Muslims with all Muslims is a terrible idea, especially if you want to win the War on Error. He never apologized for his recent gaffe on The View. Instead, he said “Most people knew what I was talking about” or some such, and then called those who didn’t understand “pinheads.” This comes off the heels of one of his colleagues on Fox and Friends, Brian Kilmeade, saying, “Not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslim.”

How about trying this one on for size, “Not everyone who watches Fox and Friends is a moron, but everyone on Fox and Friends is a moron.” Hope that helps, Brian.

They are showing us how they really feel: Muslims are a problem, period. It’s “us-versus-them” and “all-or-none” thinking—which is fine if your nine-years old, but not so cool if you’re an adult—especially an adult who happens to be the most watched Pinhead in Peoria. BillO lives and breathes from the shadow side of fundamentalism (blue) and entrepreneurial (orange) perspective. There is no known cure except moving from selfishness to selflessness, or jumping from the GWB onto the Circle Line (not recommended). You have to time it just right.

Enters four of the most absurdly liberal (green) people on the planet. The folks on The View are the perfect fodder for Fox News, and O’Reilly knows it. He can come on this show and win political points by exposing what Ken Wilber terms the ‘shadow side of green’. These women are not going to allow anyone to say bad things about anyone, even if those folks deserve to hang by their fingernails. Flatland—in the Wilber sense, not the Friedman sense of the term—is the disease of viewing ‘all perspective as being equally valid’ and believing everybody gets a trophy. And, boy, do these girls have a scorching case. They’re a veritable pinhead heaven for the O’Reilly’s of the world.

The View hosts can barely acknowledge the existence of the truly dangerous factions within Islam. Here’s where the Fox side of the argument has merit. Let’s take this Muslim cleric over in Indonesia, Rusli Hasbi, for example. He recently told the masses attending his morning prayer session, in the world’s most populous Muslim country, that whether or not Reverend Jones burned the Quran, he had already, “Hurt the heart of the Muslim world.” Awwwe. Let me play the smallest AK-47 with my trigger finger.

He went on to say, “If he’d gone through with it, it would have been tantamount to war…a war that would have rallied Muslims all over the world.”

Let’s throw out mutual goals and mutual respect for a moment (hint: I think I already did with the AK-47 joke). Many Muslims in the Middle East, Africa, and Indonesia are sickeningly intolerant, misogynistic, and violent (which must make Allah so proud). Then, in the US of A, one fundamental moron crawls out of the woodwork—someone we have all identified as a fundamental moron—and if this one person does something stupid with one of your sacred texts, you will go to war with ALL of us. Really?

Our country suffered the horrors of 9/11 and did not wage war on all of Islam. We merely attempted to bring those responsible to justice by invading the wrong country. An honest mistake…er, an honest and Oil Rich Mistake (known to the Ghetto Shaman as the sacred ORM). But even Bush, fundamentalist extraordinaire, went out of his way to say this is a war against a radical few. On a side note, conservatism is actually de-evolving since Bush—a thought that keeps me up at night.

Here’s the math: if one person from our side is almost as stupid as many of the radical dipshits in Dustville, you will try to kill us all?

Come here so I can smack you on the back of your turban. You are sooo going down, Rasbi. You better watch your ass on Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day! I believe the Ghetto Shaman has called for your belittling as well.

Suddenly, having a budget that consists of half the world’s defense spending seems to make sense. This argument would be completely lost on the Viewsters. This is where O’Reilly can exploit them, time and time again. As I have said, the Green Meanies answer is to “bake brownies for Al-Qaeda.” They also represent the ‘nice police’ ready for a Fairness Doctrine to determine what airs on the radio. Although, I must admit, it’s a tough choice:

My 1^st Amendment rights versus having to listen to Rush Limbaugh. Hmmmm. Let me get back to you. I don’t like it when Fox makes a valid point, people, so, anyone with less brains than the Bard of Wasilla, please sit the fuck back down (hint: you’re not helping, Whoopi! Why don’t you channel Guinan for a minute, huh? Not only was she insightful, but she could pour a mean Romulan ale).

Unfortunately, we need to imprison or kill most of Al-Qaeda—not all, but most. It’s a sad fact. Some can and will move beyond tribalism and become more moderate, if we keep the neocons out of the White House, but many must be brought to justice. I think a good example of hope is Ibrahim Ahmed Mahmoud al Qosi, also known as Bin Laden’s driver. He chose to move beyond fundamental thought, but only because Bin Laden was such a lousy tipper.

“Come on, al Qosi! The grenade launcher isn’t going to walk itself into the cave!”

People like al Qosi will do more to end this global conflict than a million Dick Cheney’s. Although, the sight of a million Dick Cheney’s on the battlefield would probably make even a Klingon shit his pants.

Now, back to the “Fox on both your houses” theme; when I cheered on Ron Paul as he pointed out how the Foxeteer candidates were dangerously stupid back in ‘07…oh wait, that’s right, he’s cool again. And Fox doesn’t see the inconsistency in championing someone they so recently scorned. But they’re always right, on the flip or the flop. They keep telling us this, 24/7, so it must be true. And the beat goes on…

Back to Ron Paul: I remember back in ‘07 when he said our own military occupation of the Muslim world was a big part of the problem. Giuliani and the rest of the terminally-wrong-brigade responded thusly:

REP. RON PAUL, R-TEXAS, GOP PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: They attack us because we’ve been over there, we’ve been bombing Iraq for 10 years. We’ve been in the Middle East. I think Reagan was right. We don’t understand the irrationality of Middle Eastern politics.

RUDY GIULIANI, GOP PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: That’s an extraordinary statement of someone who lived through the attack of Sept. 11, that we invited the attack because we were attacking Iraq. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before and I’ve heard some pretty absurd explanations for Sept. 11.

(APPLAUSE)

The applause you heard were those “patriotic” pinheads, those fighting Foxeteers, those people who rebranded themselves as the Tea Party for the sole purpose, one can only assume, of trying to vote in the next Cleetus “the-slack-jawed” Neocon. They are a group as oblivious now as they were then. Giuliani’s city got its ass kicked and he didn’t even read the statement from the guy who did it? None of them did! Well, guess what? Here’s the latest out of the University of Chicago:

Robert Pape out of the University of Chicago has conducted the most intensive study on suicide bombings. He looked at 2,200 suicide bombing cases and can you guess his conclusion? The most common root cause of suicide bombing is, yep, military occupation. It was an extraordinary statement, all right. Extraordinary but true.

As I’ve said before, the only thing dumber than a Democrat is a Republican. How did we get this ridiculous? It’s not like we’ve defunded education for the last couple of decades. Oh, well… what party did that again? Hmmmm. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot, or, in this case, the brain pan.

So what would an integralist do if seated on that fateful View couch last week? Jump up on the couch and profess his or her undying love for someone? No, that’s Oprah. He or she would probably plug The Daily Discord, of course, and their controversial Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day. OK, maybe not. But an integralist would not have been offended by O’Reilly’s bigotry; they would simply expose it as racism and continue to dissect that buffoon piece by pinheaded piece. Now I don’t really believe all patriots are pinheads. I would need to be functioning from an all-or-none perspective for that, but most of our patriots in the media these days certainly seem to fit the BillO.

The Crank says I never offer any solutions, well, here’s one: Pit Fox and Friends and The View hosts against one another in a steel cage death match and be done with it. Each represents about the lamest aspects of the right and left…not counting our elected officials, of course. Oh, and maybe we should all go out and egg them too on October 31^st. After all, Halloween isn’t just for radical Muslim’s anymore.

by Mick Zano • August 30, 2010

The Discord’s Para Abnormal Research Team vs. Haunted Jerome

Yours truly and Vegas’ great, Bald Tony, headed out for some ghost hunting adventures last weekend. The town of Jerome, AZ, has survived mine explosions, three major fires, and the reign of Governor Janet Brewer. This town and my old college party house have a lot in common. Incidentally, Janet was barred from The Havoc House my sophomore year. I remember it pained me at the time…having to throw out someone named Brewer.

We wanted to check out The Connor Hotel and a small cemetery outside of town (two known ghoulish hot spots), but the hotel had no lobby at all! MwwaHaHaHa! Now that’s scary. There’s no way upstairs, unless you’re a guest or a ghost. In fact, the only way upstairs was through a door on the street (locked) through an adjacent shop (also locked), and through a back door in the Spirit Room (very locked). The Connor Hotel is said to be home to some nasty spooks, but all the spirits we saw were in The Spirit Room, a ground floor biker bar with nothing remotely palatable on tap. So we asked someone in the shop about the haunted cemetery. Turns out, it’s on private land (aka No Trespassing). But that didn’t stop us—no one would tell us where the damn thing was! This town was starting to piss me off. So we decided to climb up to Jerome’s Grand Hotel, where we found a wonderful restaurant & bar, The Asylum.

The pic is of Bald Tony reading at the bar and, yes, the headline says Jerome Terrorized by Goats! OK, I forgive this town. It’s got spunk…and it’s got rogue goat gangs.

We interviewed the barkeep, Joe C., who claimed the restaurant used to have those little wooden IQ peg games on all the tables. Over the years the games gradually dwindled away, as customers walked off with them, so one night Joe decided to stash the last game up on a shelf. One of the pegs promptly rolled and fell off the shelf. He picked it up and put it back up with the game. The peg then shot straight up, bounced off the ceiling, and landed at his feet (in front of him!). He was nice enough to take a pic of the shelf in question (below). If you look very closely at the image, the trained eye can detect my batteries were about to die. MwahaHaHaHa! Joe also reports catching a shadow walking past room 12, a room believed to be haunted, but he didn’t report much action lately (his anti-psychotic medications are kicking now). He also had a very disturbing tale regarding lousy tippers, who ask a lot of foolish questions about ghosts. Speaking of which, he really earned his dollar that day. Be nice to Joe if you see him; he puts up with a lot for a buck.

About an hour later, we found a young lady, Jamie G., working at The New State Shops and Museum. We asked her if she had ever encountered any strange things in Jerome, besides us.

She said, “I was employed at The Mile High Inn about 4 years ago and one night, while working behind the bar, something weird happened. A wine glass in one of those upside down hanging racks hurled vertically 6-7 feet across the room and broke at my feet!”

I added the exclamation point for dramatic effect. Really, I had to; she seemed pretty ambivalent about the whole thing.

If a wild goat infestation problem wasn’t enough, the streets of Jerome are also said to be haunted by ghostly hookers. One was apparently murdered near The Connor Hotel. She probably couldn’t find a way up to her room. So, always donning my thinking cap, I suggested Tony dress like a 19^th century pimp in an effort to lure out the dead Lady’s of the Evening out of hiding. But, as easy going and accommodating as Tony usually is, apparently we reached his red bald-headed limits that day. Next time wear a hat, sport.

Our last stop, The Haunted Hamburger (a real place), didn’t seem to have any stories whatsoever. The staff did the courteous, “Oh, yeah, yeah, old town, old town, lots of spooks, lots of spooks” number.

“But what about stories from this place?”

“Oh, yeah, yeah, haunted, haunted, haunted.”

“What have you seen here yourself?”

“Do you wanna burger, pal, or what?”

They had nothing, nothing. No Coke-eh Pepsi. The one place we entered with a ghostly theme was the only true dud. The only thing scary about The Haunted Hamburger was the aftermath of eating there. Tony farted upon leaving and look what happened to this building!

I’m kidding, of course, this was the aftermath of the Nazi’s firebombing of Jerome, circa WWI. You think Arizona was always a desert?

We only talked to three people about ghosts that day, because our main mission was beer, and two of them had great tales to tell. In our opinion, Joe and Jamie both seemed like very credible witnesses. It’s a shame their stories are being told by two Para Abnormal “journalists,” who aren’t.

After studying Jerome, its history, and its people, the Discord Paranormal research team has come to a disturbing conclusion: the ghosts of Jerome are very angry with the beer selection. Think about it…a wine glass broke, not a beer glass, at The Mile High Inn. No good beer on tap there. The Connor Hotel is very haunted and there’s no good beer there. And even Jerome’s Grand Hotel is quieting down since they finally put Arrogant Bastard on tap. Not convinced? We were there the day an event called Blood into Wine was going on. Whatever happened to Beer into Piss? Now that’s an event worth celebrating. The current residents of Jerome cater to wine drinkers, not beer drinkers. Wine is everywhere, but it was nearly impossible to get a good ale anywhere in that one goat town. This was an old mining town, for Pete’s sake. Beer me! Dead people aren’t going to stand for this shit. I just got to Jerome and even I want to haunt the damn place already! I almost died of thirst. You people are even pissing off the goats, let along the ghosts. Build a microbrewery! Build it and they will go. Build it, so Bald Tony and I can come back one day and declare, “This town is clean…and sudsy.”