Peter Sellers had it Right:  Swine Flu 101

L. Wolfe

With all this talk of swine flu, pandemics, surgical masks, and violent testicular eruptions (VTE), I just wanted to point out a flu things you should know:

  1. Swine flu does not cause violent testicular eruptions, except in lab mice.
  2. Surgical masks are a freaking JOKE.  If you really think a paper surgical mask with leaking gaps all around the interface between it and your face are going to prevent you from being exposed to a sub-micron sized virus, I have a bridge to nowhere to sell you in Alaska. Surgical masks are designed to keep particulate-sized droplets of spit from spraying out of a surgeon’s mouth and into your gaping chest when doctors are performing that bypass surgery you needed after your ill conceived Big Mac eating contest. They cannot and do not stop you from inhaling airborne bacteria or viruses (or inhaling Big Macs for that matter). If you wear a surgical mask it does a far better job at protecting me from you than it does protecting you from me. And I own an Uzi, which further complicates things.  On the other hand, surgical masks may make women think you’re a doctor, which should moderately improve your chances of getting laid tonight.
  3. Don’t eat pork.  Pigs are cloven-hoofed animals anyway, and everyone knows eating the meat will give you swine flu.  Really?  Have we all porked our educations that badly?
  4. Don’t eat horse meat. You’ll catch Venezuelan Equine Encephalitis (VEE).  Really.
  5. The 1918 Spanish Flu Pandemic killed somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty million people.  There are over six billion people on the planet now.  Therefore, even if the Swine flu kills as many people as the 1918 flu, that is only 0.3% of the world’s population. Just trimming the fat from a historical perspective. That equates to approximately 1 person per 300.  McDooris can kill more than that with one malt-liquor-enhanced beer-fart and, no, the mask won’t help (I tried it my sophomore year). And don’t talk to me about percentages of the 1918 population and percentages of the current population, you’re either on my side or you’re on the side of the virus.  Stay the horse.
  6. This is not The Stand.
  7. Every year in the U.S., over 20,000 people die from the flu. This number can be as high as 50,000 deaths each year, depending upon how you link flu-related deaths and you’re ability to effectively use an abacus.  That’s the “normal” flu we are all used to.  It’s irresponsible for mainstream media sources to be blowing this swine flu thing so far out of proportion.  Yes, WHO is tracking a potentially serious flu outbreak; yes, some precautions are necessary; yes, some people will die, but, no, it is not necessary to scare the crap out of everyone.  That will happen naturally, after you contract the flu. On the Brightside, think of the money you will save on colon cleansing products.  Besides, hyping nonsensical news items is our job. You mainstream media people keep to biased reporting and quit encroaching on our turf!  After all, we have, in true alpha male fashion, pissed in every virtual corner of this website.   This is another reason Winslow should stop paying the Ghetto Shaman in malt liquor products.
  8. The best thing anyone can do is wash their hands.  Wash them often.  People are freaking disgusting in my opinion. I have sat in the public crapper many times, in my traditional Senator Craig-like wide stance, and heard some gross bastard drop a juicy loosie, wipe insufficiently, and walk right out without so much as turning on the faucet. (He’s probably the same guy making your Big Macs, by the way).  Wash your goddam’ hands you gross, degenerate! And not just after the bathroom; wash them often.  Remember, that gross bastard has to open doors with the same door handles you do. (Another disgusting side note: your olfactory sense functions by detecting small particles that create a sensation of smell. So, if you smell that disgusting bastard in the crapper, well, I’m sure your surgical mask blocks that little particle. It’s certainly bigger than a virus, and therefore you can’t smell it; or can you?).  
  9. Lastly, don’t freak out.  Don’t go all Pierce Winslow on us.  Do be sensible: wash your hands; keep your kids informed but not hysterical; and by all means keep spending money to stimulate the economy.  This isn’t the Black Death. Flogging yourself won’t beat out the demons, and the death carts won’t be rolling through your streets anytime soon.  Unless, of course, my itchy Uzi trigger finger says otherwise.  Look at it this way: when it’s all said and done the human race will be a little stronger for it and we may lose some of those gross, never-washing-their-hands degenerates.  Peter Sellers had it right when he said, “this is a swine flu, but this too shall pass.”

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