Washington, DC—President Obama’s reluctance to lose more conflicts, create more jihadists, and get more Americans killed is confounding many. Intelligence gathering, diplomacy and targeted drone-strikes remain foreign concepts to republicans, like Taco Bell or Panda Express. Republicans’ ongoing plea to become mired in more ground wars is thus far falling on deaf ears. As ISIS gains more ground—ground that is actually sand—conservatives remain fixated on the oil that might be under said sand…er, ground. Oily to Dead?

John Q. Republican said, “Come on, what’s not to love about war? What could be better than dropping bombs on people who hate America? Speaking of which, you’re next Seattle!”

Radio anti-personality, Rush Limbaugh, added, “Ambassador has the word ‘ass’ in it and negotiation has the word ‘ego’ in it. Oh, and don’t get me started on diplomacy. Relying on such tactics clearly show America’s enemies our weakness and weakness has the word ‘weak’ in it.