Washington, DC—President Barack Obama announced his proposal to essentially freeze-dry the entire continental United States from sunny Miami to rainy Seattle. This harsh, potentially dangerous, process will be undertaken in the hopes future economists will gain the tools and knowledge necessary to once again create American jobs.
“This isn’t about blame anymore,” said Obama. “It’s about fighting the hiring freeze with a bigger freeze. Farmers will be compensated for any crops destroyed by freezer-burn and my Cash for Carsicles program will offer government aid to any cars irreparably damaged during the process.”
Republican opposition came quickly.
“This is just an attempt to extend his presidency indefinitely,” said radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh. “Look, the day we defrost as a nation, if this president had the courage and wisdom to step aside, he would have Republican support.”
The White House used a power point presentation complete with images of Han Solo being frozen in carbonite, as well as an enthusiastic endorsement from the Snow Miser, of The Year without a Santa Claus fame.
Obama concluded the presentation by adding, “Just think of it; we could choose not to thaw Biden’s mouth, not to mention parts of Newark.”