Michael Jackson Is Still Dead, for Now

The announcement that Michael Jackson died on June 25, 2009, has taken this country and the entire world by storm. However, the Discord’s own Cokie McGrath has uncovered evidence that Michael Jackson really died in a pyrotechnic accident while filming a Pepsi commercial way back in 1984. Apparently the character we have been seeing is really an animatronic facsimile of the pop star now dead for 25 years.

An anonymous source in the Jackson entourage was quoted as saying “We simply could not keep the thing working any longer. The MJ-2 has constantly been breaking down for years. We’ve had to rework just about everything: the skin, the hair, the hands, the ears, and just look at that nose; we never did get that thing right. We pretty much had to cover up one part or another all of the time. Sometimes we even had to resort to using duct tape just to hold the figure together for public appearances. Finally the thing suffered a catastrophic failure; apparently it won’t run on Demerol and Vicodin.”

A sampling of the efforts by the Jackson entourage to keep MJ-2 functioning over the last 25 years

It would also appear that malfunctions were not limited to physical breakdowns. According to our contact the unit suffered from many behavioral issues.

“Oh geez, there was that whole “blanket” incident, and the device seemed to go nuts around young boys, no pun intended. It was very erratic from day one, but boy could it dance” stated our contact, now dubbed “Deep Shit”.

Reports indicate that the figure was built by George Lucas’ Industrial Light and Magic, the group that brought you such annoying creatures as Jar-Jar Binks, the Ewoks, and Carrot-Top.

“We had hoped to get another tour out of the MJ-2 but it just couldn’t hold up. It was a primitive model. While we still haven’t perfected the product, we have had much more success with our more recent productions like Amanda Lepore, Pamela Anderson, and Joan Rivers.“ stated Roger Guyett, of ILM. “We’re not sure if we’re going to be contracted to replace the MJ-2 with something more robust, but we have designs on the table. We could probably pull together a resurrection tour in late 2010.”

Other celebs replaced by ILM in recent years
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Pierce Winslow

Pierce Winslow is the Discord's Brain, Chief Engineer and C.E.O. He co-founded the Discord along with Mick Zano in 2008 and they have both been sorry ever since.