186 search results for "that keep me up at night"

Form Of Political Methane Has Inflated Both The DOW And Trump’s Ego

by Mick Zano • January 6, 2017

America is hooked on a feeling. A recent poll suggests more than 60% of our country is optimistic about a future under Trump. How do this many people get dropped on their head as children? I’m talking to you Child Protective Services. Wait, I’m being told they’ve disbanded in lieu of supportive Republican legislation. Stand Your Playground laws? Seriously, how long can this methane-based reality endure? Oh, that’s right, they’re gutting the EPA. Hmmm. What is it going to take to bring these people back from Narnia? The Lying Bitch In The War Room? Somewhere I can hear Bob Marley singing: don’t worry about a thing, ’cause every little thing is going to be alt-right. Am I the only one worried about the coming Trumpocalypse? Whereas it’s true no one is actually pissing in my Cheerios, it’s only because I’m stocking up on the Malt-O-Meal equivalent, Shitty Os or something.

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by Mick Zano • November 28, 2016

This isn’t about healing anymore, it’s about collapsing. I’m afraid that’s the only trick left in the republican bag of tricks. Speaking of bags, why not stuff your political party into one, light it on fire, and leave it in on someone’s porch? I would say ‘wake up’, but it’s probably best to stay asleep at this point. Trumptophan? In 2017 why bother having a political opinion at all? Our political fortunes are akin to Sartre and Camus collaborating on a country western song during a Walking Dead episode. So let’s focus on what matters now, hoarding Ramen. If you’ve read some Zano, my political posts are essentially a funny, yet damning indictment of the party that will eventually be our undoing. Despite my 11 followers, the political right has grown into the strong, delusional force that we see today. It’s not histrionics to say we’re history. Them’s the facts. Now that the republicans have a super majority, let’s channel some Zevon as our ride is here. So I propose a toast, to being toast!

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by Mick Zano • October 22, 2016

Assange Man Cave Manor—Julian Assange, best known for playing Eric Snowden in the after-school special Whistleblower, is totally cut off from the outside world. Desperate, he has resorted to finger puppets to relay the evils of all things Hillary. Incidentally, that is the title of episode 2 of the after-school special Whistleblower.

Assange admits finger puppets were not his first idea. “Initially I wanted to go with a charade-like version of the board game Clue. I wanted people to guess the next WikiDump. You know, like Clinton Staffer at the Trump rally with the lead pipe, or Former President on the tarmac with the Attorney General. I just wrestled with the logistics and eventually felt the whole thing was somewhat demeaning to my cause. Then it hit me, finger puppets!”

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by Mick Zano • April 1, 2016

I’m not ignoring you, Pokey, you’re thinking of women. Booyah! Actually, I just don’t want to address the same issues more than an OCD stutterer with amnesia. I admit our society is growing a bit tone deaf these days, which is why I spend so much time discussing the cognitive distortions at play. In part, this is why I was forced to endorse Hillary Clinton. Despite some poll shifts, I still feel she’s more electable than Bernie. The main reason, you ask? The right wing’s attacks on her have become background noise. They exist a few frequencies higher than the sentient human ear can register. Although, I do admit I like to shout “Benghazi!” out my back window just to hear the inevitable barking.

Meanwhile, the “Bernie is a socialist” attacks will resonate with independents. These attacks won’t have any relevance, outside of the 1940s, but it’s not about merit anymore, is it? I am going to answer ALL of the questions from your last post, Pokey, line by punch-line. More importantly, it will read like Blazing Saddles meets The Pythonian Grail, because first and foremost this is a comedy site! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-uh.

“I can’t do this again, Pokey. The only real deficit is your understanding of history. How about a comprise on this one? Let’s shrink Rush Limbaugh to a size we can drown him in a bathtub?”

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by Mick Zano • March 11, 2016

Glenn Beck Headquarters—Deep in the heart of an undisclosed Denny’s, Glenn Beck and the rest of the League of Extra Ordinary Gentlemen assembled in a last ditch effort to save the Republican party. The Discord’s own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, was able to gain entrance to this clandestine group before the breakfast specials ended. Glenn Beck called for order by banging a ketchup bottle on the end of the table before addressing a small booth filled with Governor Rick Perry, the late Mathew Breitbart, and either ZZ-Top or three of the members of Duck Dynasty. Some had pitchforks others held lit torches. The waitress was pissed. This secret Ted-Cruz-admiration-society vowed to do everything in its power to keep the current GOP frontrunner from becoming the nominee. Shouts of “kill the monster!” abounded.

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by Mick Zano • July 15, 2015

New York, NY—On the eve of the historic Iran nuclear agreement, a deal very few thought possible, our republican fiends were quick to gather in their Fox bunker to commence with Operation Ridicule. Don’t our 2nd Amendment rights demand we use them on Iran, right now? Think about it, Obama used sanctions, a computer virus and words to keep Iran from obtaining a nuke. What a pussy. It’s almost as bad as when Assad turned over all of his WMDs for the price of a few phone calls. Verizon Weaponless?

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by Tony Ballz • May 13, 2015

Prescott, AZ—1970s pop stars The Captain & Tennille have called it quits. On January 23, 2014, keyboardist Daryl Dragon was served divorce papers by wife Toni Tennille at the couple’s Prescott home, effectively ending their 39 year marriage. The Discord is only posting this now because our site admin is still reeling from the news.

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by Mick Zano • October 25, 2014

It’s astounding, time is fleeting, madness takes its toll. Before I go on this epic Pokey rant, as you noted in an email exchange, our views are ultimately not that dissimilar and yet there remains this ocean of difference in the delivery, the solutions, the priorities, the context, and the bigger picture. Why? You need more real fake news in your diet, my friend, and lay off that red meat. Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for reality.

First, per an email exchange, I admit we’re all brainwashed to some degree, here, but there’s Brainwashed Lite and there’s Brainwashed Double Imperial Stout Reserve. I stand by my five-calorie assessment of myself. Your brainwashed ABV % suggests you shouldn’t legislate for another six election cycles. And please don’t gerrymander and drive.

You still support the Tea Party? My suggestions for this group were ignored, here. I warned them to stay away from establishment republicans, yet they immediately aligned themselves with corporate America and the worst aspects of the Foxeteers. Now, as John Boehner recently put it, “They have lost all credibility.” Thus by standing by them, so have you. If you remember I had some sympathy for their Founding Fodder, Ron Paul, but no longer. Invoking the Palin-plan and turning politics into a reality show not based on reality isn’t helping—well, unless you can fit Congress into the back room of Hogs & Heifers.

[Lipstick on a pig joke removed by the editor]

Summary Alert:

Republicans greatly expanded executive power under Bush and then through an obstructionist only agenda (OOA) during the Obama presidency have essentially broken our system.

As per your last post, I agree parts of the ACA remain unconstitutional, which is why I initially had reservations about supporting this legislation. I said as much on this site here.

But stay tuned, kids, for an important Zano-action-plan after this important rant:

Look Pokey, most folks now agree that going into Iraq, the way we did, was a huge mistake. Then eventually people said, wow, the Patriot Act was a bad idea, wasn’t it? Now in a recent email you are changing your mind on Climate Change (so did Ken Wilber, by the way, here). Fast forward and eventually you’ll agree how Citizens United wasn’t quite as cool as the packaging. Then we’ll hear, wow, why didn’t we switch to green energies sooner? Why did we support coal for so long? Breathing turned out to be as important as jobs. Who knew? Yeah, well I don’t care at this point, we simply don’t have enough time left to babysit republicans.

As for your little Tea Party, Kansas went the most austerity route post Bush, cuts only, and it crippled them. Europe is recovering in the order of who went the least austerity-heavy forward, which was my prediction here. Why do you still ascribe to supply-side economics amidst the greatest disparity of wealth in a century? And your “sensible solution” is a flat tax which would only widen this disparity, here. One study suggests trickledown/supply side economics has never really worked anywhere on Earth ever, here. And yet here we all are, still trickling down all over the place. Yes, there are temporary monetary gains when you break unions and create ‘right to work’ states, until that day ends when we’re all working in the same sweatshop. When red states do well it’s predominately about the pools of oil and natural resources under their feet. Republicans aren’t the Rockefellers, they’re the fucking Clampetts.

And someday it will become evident that there’s no military-only solution in the Middle East. Last night I heard Bill O’Reilly say he wants General Patton to rise from the grave and wipe them all out. We battled for over a decade—your way, Bill—and what do we have to show for it? ISIS? The day General McChrystal said we have a presence in 1 out of 10 valleys in Afghanistan, 6 years in, I knew this whole thing was a fool’s errand. This is whack a mole. Obama is correct to portray these conflicts in such terms. So you’re not brave, Bill, you’re a fool. There’s nothing else to call someone who ignores, not the lessons of history, but the lessons of last week.

These tribal types are not going to hold up their hands and surrender to Zombie Patton and then we all meet in Geneva to discuss the terms of their surrender. They will hide until we are broke. Get it? I don’t know what your suggestion is either, Pokey, but if you align yourself with Bill O‘ the Clown….

There are dozens of collapsing states across the globe and we’ve gotten nowhere trying to fix only two of them through large military campaigns. If there was a viable military solution I would back it, but it’s nothing more than a farce like everything else republican’s espouse. And the only thing—the only thing these dangerously incompetent boobs have noticed in the 21^st century is the unconstitutional expansion of executive power that THEY made possible. Yes the Constitution is in jeopardy, Pokey, but you cannot have an Eric Holder without an Alberto Gonzalez and, yes, they’re both wrong which is why I have been very critical of them both. We disagree not on the problem, but on the solution. If there’s any chance of restoring the Constitution it will come post The GOP. Republicans will only support the Atlas Buggered types and your little Tea Party will bankrupt us in the name of Freedom. Both of these groups are incapable of competently championing any of these causes. Republicans have proven to be dangerously delusional, which is fine if you’re downtown arguing with a fire hydrant, but not so much if you’re running the largest economy and the largest military in the world.

Here’s the plan, Pokey.

Step 1: Through the Discord’s Get Out the Spoof efforts let’s ensure there’s a steady decrease in republican elected politicians (SDREP). I want the Zano Nation—all eleven of you—to vote D in the midterms. Remember, only one person in the country thought the Dems had even a chance to hang onto the Senate.

Step 2: Foster the emergence of a new viable conservative political party with principles NOT based on a delicate blend of false assumptions and bullshit. Tea Party need not apply. This is going to be the hard part as post the GOP collapse to come will further radicalize them, here. It will be important to support moderate republican voices during this transition.

Step 3: Finally, address the shit from your last post. These are valid concerns. I voiced similar concerns pre the ACA and also pre the War on Error. First, we must create a political atmosphere wherein reforms can actually take hold. For example, a healthy Republican Party could have focused on the individual mandate of the ACA instead of 427 meaningless attempts to repeal the entire law. They could have focused on the ratio of tax cuts to revenue instead of tax cuts only. Depressions suck and so do Republicans. They can and should be ignored. But until we have a viable 2^nd party this places our rights and our future in jeopardy.

The rule of law will never be restored if we keep electing those biggest offenders, those who broke said rules in the first place, in power. Hell, I was never a super majority kind of guy, as it will likely bring with it a host of its own problems, but having seen the damage one political party has wrought in the 21^st century, can we survive a temporary super majority? Yes We Can!

Dear Pokey,

Your constitutionalists only focus on the 2^nd Amendment, yet they still manage to misinterpret it. Your economists believe in “voodoo” and you’re still fighting conventional wars against stateless fundamentalists for the benefit of Halliburton, not America.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. Keep on torturing for Jesus and good luck with that next Benghazi hearing.

Or:

Meanwhile, close Guantanamo, the courts system works, Congress doesn’t. Back green energies, fuck coal. Keynesian economics works (sadly), trickle down doesn’t. I want a balanced budget too, let’s start with everything the republicans refuse to cut. Science works, republican ideology doesn’t. Gerrymandering is a real problem, voter fraud is not. Investigate Bush’s War, not Benghazi.

Arguably the reddest state, Kansas, invariably votes for the Monsantos of the world—the ones who destroyed farming as we know it. Brilliant. And Governor Brownback, the most austerity heavy republican of them all, busted the state’s economy so badly you can see the aftermath from flippin’ Oz.

I have suggested many things over the years and yet all my warnings have gone unheeded. What the hell have republicans warned us about? Ever? Any republican in America would immediately answer with something fundamentally false. How do we have a system of checks and balances with the perpetually unbalanced? I commend your attention to constitutional detail, Mr. McDooris but it will never be heard through The GOP’s current Scheissgeist. That remains my main point. Zano Nation unite, form of blog rant.

Transcosmetic Party anyone? Perhaps we need to create mission statement. You in, Poke?

by Mick Zano • April 1, 2014

So Stalin’s plans for Russia are finally coming to fruition? The place John McCain just left saying is a gas station masquerading as a country? That Russia? The not playing with a full set of Olympic rings Russia? Wow, Pokey, that’s more of a stretch than my latest ghost/ectopilsner theory.

By the way, this is a rebuttal of two recent Pokey McDooris submissions, here and here.

So Putin is playing “chess” in Crimea? Really? I want to drive to PA, right now, and throw your AM radio out of your hut…well, after a big hug. Putin’s options suck, especially if he goes one step further. You see, the world runs on something called money—a fact your side insists upon—so the projected long term benefits for Russia, post this little annexation exercise, looks grim. He can’t occupy the Ukraine, easily, and all the other former Soviet borderlands are already sending Angela Merkel flowers and chocolate. It was a fool move, thus the right’s ability to predict it. Republicans have fool moves down to a…oh wait, they don’t believe in science.

I meant to give your articles more attention, but I went to Vegas instead. So I guess I glossed over shit, which is a Vegas Related Condition (VRC):

Take two:

1. I have a right to refuse health care: The Deplorable Care Act.

Yeah, healthcare is a real liberty wrecker.

“A version of the ACA was tried under Romney in Massachusetts and that marks the day freedom died.”

—John Q. Republican

I vividly remember the day Romney seized power in Massachusetts in 2006. The United Nations stood idly by as the unthinkable happened. In 2007 that monstrous republican governor used radiation against his own people! …who had cancer. The hospitals were all overflowing! …with people seeking needed treatment. Most tried to flee the state during those dark times. The image of route 90, backed up with cars bumper-to-bumper, is still burned in my memory …I think a Red Sox game was letting out.

The Supreme Court differs with your appraisal of the individual mandate’s Constitutionality, but I too have always been wary of this part of the ACA. But at least Mr. Obama identified an important problem. Without MAJOR reforms to our healthcare system, we were on the fast track to ruin. Currently the U.S. is ranked 37^th in the world and it’s twice as expensive as the next most costly system, or, as the republicans call it, the free market works. That makes me sick…and thanks to Obamacare I lost my doctor!

If the free market works, then you need to make it actually work. Fail long enough and we’ll have a Homeland Security sized HIPPA and Joint Commission. No, that’s not about legalization. I wish.

But your “leave me alone, I’ll pay for my own ER visits when they happen” is ridiculous. Thanks to something called data, we have found the vast majority of uninsured Americans will never pay a dime for their ER hospital visits. Oh, and the GOP’s recent counter proposal to the ACA is asinine, here.

The possibilities are:

1. We make the ACA work.

2. We come up with a viable alternative.

3. Healthcare becomes a right for all Americans.

4. Those poor peeps who won’t sign up for the ACA must sign a ‘don’t treat me’ waiver, aka, ‘the please die quietly in the lobby’ plan.

*which, oddly enough, is also my recent submission to Jan Brewer’s AZ State Motto Contest. The winner was Drink Water or Die. I get it; we live in a desert. I was geographically disadvantaged.

I’ll give you this much, Pokey, whereas most of the other 17-universal healthcare models across the globe are working reasonably well, the U.S. is no longer as competent as most countries. I also live in fear of the fascist bureaucracy that such a mega-health system will undoubtedly spawn, thus my initial hesitancy to endorse this shit. But I believe everything pales in comparison to electing a republican—operating solely from a false reality—as our president. Let’s see how Putin’s “chess” plays out and then extrapolate that to the next GOP frontrunner.

2. It is unconstitutional to force a person or business to directly violate their conscience:

The ACA’s mandated coverage of birth control is a sticky wicket, but I believe women’s rights are equally as important as our religious sensibilities. I almost wrote “freedoms” there, but that would be a stretch. I think Obama has tried to hear and respond to the concerns of the religious community and he has tried to strike a balance. The devout have an argument but, like anything else on the right, it’s a weak one.

If you start with the premise that every tax dollar collected, in this case for employee healthcare, must somehow be endorsed by those taxed before it’s allocated…uhhhh, what?

Let’s say someone drank too much and now has liver issues? My money shouldn’t go to his treatment, because I don’t even drink. And I’m not paying for Adderall because I don’t believe in ADHD. Oh, and the Bible suggests we stone homosexuals to death, not treat them, which could save the taxpayer tens of millions! Maybe each citizen should receive a report to see where the money’s going. I don’t want to pay for the next Discord’s ghost-investigation-tax-right-off, because they’re just sanctioned binge fests. Okay, you might have a point on that one.

Your approach is way more of a slippery slope than the alternative. Let’s allow adults to make their own decisions with their own doctors on their own legal healthcare options. Tell you what, we’ll even take it off your karma and your conscience….for no extra cost to you! But only if you act now! Besides, the Pope reminded everyone not to get too hung up on the whole contraception thing. And don’t you report to him?

Or:

You really got a learn Photoshop, Poke.

3. As the federal government grows in power and scope, our individual liberties shrink.

Our liberties markedly shrank in the aftermath of 9/11. I seem to remember being opposed to that. But, sorry, some of them aren’t coming back.

Fun Fact:

Most Americans polled choose security over personal freedoms.

And thus far we’re losing the NSA battle. Your totalitarian watch is crucial, but once again the GOP has proved a distraction. They were reluctant, for years, to even run the NSA scandal (the only substantial Obama scandal), because they know they created the problem. Their listeners don’t, of course, but what’s new? So instead, the right just invents stuff. Most of the real reporting on the NSA is occurring on the left, but, again, Glenn Greenwald is the guy to watch.

Even the Republican Speaker of the House recently admitted the “think tanks” on the right have “lost all credibility”. If 9 out of 10 things covered by the right wing media is drivel, Obama will continue to dismiss everything they say, even the real shit. Fox News is an actual scandal’s best friend. Fox and Frauds? This is precisely why, without republican reform, we’re in big trouble. Well, I would prefer a new party at this point. Transcosmetic anyone?

4. Joseph Stalin has infiltrated the U.S. and turned our country into an amoral wasteland.

I’m afraid we’re moving into the age of atheism. I am not an atheist, but I believe if it is done correctly, it sure beats Huckabee. As per many societal models (Beck, Cowan, Graves, et al.), all cultures inevitably move toward liberalism, but whether it’s a hedonistic breakdown in morals or a natural evolutionary step for any given society will depend on how a country makes such a transition. Whether the U.S. becomes Nirvana or Newark hinges on having two healthy political parties. This has been my battle cry. Currently we have one ship listing to port and the other is currently resting at a depth below a certain Boeing 777. As usual, the republicans have mistaken the forest for the tree huggers.

On another note, you are right to point out my increasingly condescending posts, but— [Condescending remark removed by the editor.]

Back in the day, you helped me keep such rantgressions in check….until you ran off with another blogger! Website wrecker! Sorry.

In your absence our politics have devolved further, but my main point remains: no matter what events transpire in this 24/7 news-cycle world, everyone is now capable of immediately twisting these events into their own warped worldview. You seem equally as susceptible. The filters we all had are engrained in our psyches. I maintain the GOP’s filters are the thickest and the sickest. I fear they will ultimately be our undoing. And I have been backing up these claims each week with cute little graphs involving bats and poop.

Another McDooris Submission! Quickly, to the Batshit Signal!

See how fun that is?

The things that keep me up at night are listed in a feature here. You do not share my concerns because we now live entirely in alternate political realities. Joseph Stalin, Genghis Khan and Lord Voldormort are all strangely absent from my list of potential future crises. This week evidence has surfaced suggesting our ocean currents are slowing. This is one of those tipping points I’ve been on the lookout for. The aftermath, should our ocean currents stop completely, will be profound. As I have said before, on that fateful day, when the shit hits the Fox, you will still be allowed to rant, shoot, and worship unfettered—all from a bar if you move back to AZ. But before the internet crashes for that last time, I plan to try to desperately send you an image of a bat and some poop.

And as for your other ramblings involving a hijacked plane filled with nukes, I believe your theory has been located, scattered across a remote part of the Indian Ocean.

by Tony Ballz • March 3, 2014

Prescott, AZ—1970s pop stars The Captain and Tennille have called it quits. On January 23, 2014, keyboardist Daryl Dragon was served divorce papers by wife Toni Tennille at the couple’s Prescott home, effectively ending their 39 year marriage.

The duo were at the forefront of the “soft rock” movement, epitomized by the #1 singles “Love Will Keep Us Together” (1975) and “Do That To Me One More Time” (1979), as well as a half dozen other top ten hits. They were staples of 1970s television, even hosting their own short-lived variety show.

Over the last few weeks, The Captain And Tennille’s website had been deluged by supportive emails from all over the world. Here’s a sampling:

“They split up? Really? Oh thank you Jesus, thank you. I hope their divorce is drawn out and full of absolute misery. It might begin to approximate the misery they’ve inflicted upon humanity. What a couple of assholes. I guess love DIDN’T keep them together, hah? Ya get it?”

– Mrs. Arlene Muckenfuss (Barfing, England)

“Finally, the woman of my dreams is free! Oh Tennille, my Tennille! I can’t wait to feel your silky thighs wrapped around my … huh? She’s how old? SEVENTY-THREE? Aw shit, the hell with that. Anyone have Anne Murray’s number?”

– Pastor Emerson Bigguns (Jockstrap Junction, Iowa)

“Seventy-three? And he’s seventy? He probably cheated on her with the night nurse at the retirement home. One of ’em is gonna croak within five years, why didn’t they just run the clock out? I swear, old people suck. Guess love DIDN’T keep them together, hah? Ya get it?”

– Hugh G. Rection (East Jesus, Oklahoma)

“Wow, thirty-nine years. Just couldn’t hang on for one more, huh Tennille? ‘I don’t want anyone thinking I stayed with this loser for forty years, fuck that.’ What a heartless bitch. What’s she gonna do now, join a sexy grannies club?”

– Doug Niedermeyer (Faber, Illinois)

“I’ve worked in a dentist’s office with piped-in music for fifteen years and I swear to Christ, if I hear that goddamn “Muskrat Love” with that stupid chittering synthesizer ONE MORE TIME, I’m going to stab myself in the eye with a lobster fork. I guess love DIDN’T keep them together, hah? Ya get it?”

– Mrs. Louise Fussmucker (Prostate Heights, Michigan)

“They’re divorced? Good. Screw them and their ‘We’re still married’ bullshit. And screw them for writing “Love Will Keep Us Together”, I could fart out a better tune in my sleep … what? Neil Sedaka wrote that song? Well, screw him too. I hope the three of ’em roast in hell. Guess love DIDN’T keep them together, hah? Ya get it?”

– Mother Teresa (Inner Congo, Africa)

– Mohandas K. Gandhi (New Delhi, India)