WikiLeaks Update: Minus The Internet A Desperate Assange Resorts To Finger-Puppets

assangefinger-puppetsssAssange Man Cave Manor—Julian Assange, best known for playing Eric Snowden in the after-school special Whistleblower, is totally cut off from the outside world. Desperate, he has resorted to finger puppets to relay the evils of all things Hillary. Incidentally, that is the title of episode 2 of the after-school special Whistleblower.

Assange admits finger puppets were not his first idea. “Initially I wanted to go with a charade-like version of the board game Clue. I wanted people to guess the next WikiDump. You know, like Clinton Staffer at the Trump rally with the lead pipe, or Former President on the tarmac with the Attorney General. I just wrestled with the logistics and eventually felt the whole thing was somewhat demeaning to my cause. Then it hit me, finger puppets!”

Assange admits after losing the internet he went through some dark times. “It’s been tough. I didn’t know how to keep leaking stuff. It’s a compulsion now, really, effecting all aspects of my life. I find myself, late at night, poking tiny pin holes in milk cartons and I rarely hit the toilet anymore. I have a flashlight, so for a short time I wrestled with the idea of shadow puppets. I’m pretty good at barking dog and quacking duck, but beyond that I quickly realized the limitations of this mode of communication. Then I finally asked myself, what would Eric Snowden do? Then I said ‘fuck that’ and went with finger puppets.”

Hold on. This skit is getting far too silly. As the author, I just needed to share this. I’m in a place called the Raven Café in Prescott, Arizona, trying to do God’s work here on The Discord and, yes, I’ve been imbibing a bit. Well, I’m trying to Photoshop this Assange finger puppet thing and (cough), here’s the low light reel. Someone became interested in what I was doing. My eventual response was: “Yes, it’s finger puppets! Do you have a problem with that!” I believe that’s the second time I’ve had to say that in my life time (in a bar). This captures the ongoing struggles of the blogger that no one talks about, except me, of course. And, yes, sometimes it involves bar room encounters and finger puppets.

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