What have I been up to lately, besides bingeing on “true” horror stories and proofing my latest novel? After celebrating Patriot’s Day, I also hit one of the rare and lonely rivers which cuts through southern Arizona, the San Pedro. But enough about me; today I intend to actually finish something I started. I hope my parents haven’t just fainted. It involves the environment and how there may still be time to save it.
If you want to know what happens when a society shifts rightward just turn on Alan Moore’s alternate timeline Watchmen and have someone punch you in the nuts. Then when someone asks Who Watches the Watchmen? you can say, “I do”, in a really high squeaky voice. Shortly after joining congress, Alexandria Oscia-Cortez channeled some Rorschach: “I am not locked in here with YOU! You’re locked in here with MEEE!!” Life mimics art and, according to Moore, art is knowing when you don’t need to be a hero anymore. On that note I’ve been wrestling with the prospect of throwing in the WordPress towel, or at least shifting The Discord’s focus to my other hobby interest, Australian rules cross stitch.
After creating diversionary scandals, damaging the republic, and tearing down the western world order, one might wonder how Republicans find the time to compromise their principles. Scandals and flip flops, flip flops and scandals abound. To meet these changes and challenges our conservative friends must reinvent themselves more often than a replicant with OCD. “You can never step into the same Republican party twice, but afterwards you should probably change your shoes.” —Heraclitus
This is no longer a contest between left and right. Our current political conflict has devolved into a fight between a functional democracy and demagogic authoritarianism. This is what happens when half our country can no longer acknowledge reality because they’re too busy ordering extra toppings for their next ‘Pizzagate’. Bonfire of the Hannitys? Our democracy is likely to lose in this wetland Drudge-match. I’m hardly giving the Dems a free pass for this soggy state of our union. Barackish water? For the pending midterms we have the motivated misinformed vs our apathetic and slightly-autistic millennials. Sure the next generation is angry, but will they ever put down their video controllers or iPhones long enough to find a voting booth? Is there a voting app that they can download before then? Hey, let’s get the people at Kaspersky to install it and maybe get some Safe Space voting booths complete with iPhone and USB ports. Even if the libs can muster the ‘testicular fortitude’ to take back one of the chambers of Congress in November, Trump’s court appointees will haunt this nation for decades to come. Kidding, we don’t have decades. Trumpocalypse DOW?
Tweet Tower—Rumors of the president’s rocky marriage are starting to surface as Stormy Daniels’ lawyer reveals more details of the palace intrigue. President Trump recently made the joke, “Who’s leaving the White House next? Steve Miller or Melania?” Trump told the Discord today, “Masturbating to Fox News was really getting old, especially since Megyn Kelly left. Come back to me, Megyn! I might even apologize, or at least make someone do it for me. Melania rarely stays in the same time zone as me anymore so, yeah, I called in some favors. Any port in a stormy, right?”
After another vigorous yet inconclusive volley with my old blogvesary, I realized what a long, strange blogging trip it’s been. I disapprove of what you say, my friend, but I will defend to the death your right to blog it …well, after I take out the stupid parts and add some jokes. Ha! Republicans invariably think liberals are ignoring the facts, when in reality facts are simply not their thing. Nothing Hannity or Limbaugh covered last night was even mentioned by the lamestream media! Amen. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with each accusation that arrives at the speed of right. Fast & Spurious? Uranium None?
Oh brother, why blog thou? I don’t remember voting for Trump, so ‘Opposition, heal thyself.’ To summarize last year’s election, your side lied endlessly about my candidate and then elected a blithering sociopath to the highest office in the land. What part is still confusing you? Take some responsibility for the carnage ahead. While I was covering the intellectual demise of the right, what were you going on about? Benghazi? Hobby Lobby? Radical Muslims creating a Caliphate across the Middle East? Here’s my prediction for the end of ISIS, two years ago. But fear not, radical recruitment is way up under Trump. The long term prospects of the crazies of the world are always better under a Republican’s watch, here or abroad. Islamic extremists remain grateful to the GOP for keeping them in the game. Black Flags Matter?
The Five Stages of Grief were conceived by one Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who along with her contributions to the field of psychology also knitted the first Keebler elf flag. Her stages originally applied to the human psyche as we work through the dying process—a process I have mastered during Southside Tavern comedy nights. On the Republican side of the political equation, these stages (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Depression) will continue to play out as the Republican dream dies a painful death. The problem? As long as the Breitbarts, Limbaughs and Hannitys of the world perpetuate the GOP’s ignorance, the final stage, Acceptance, will never be realized. That’s the way the conservative cookie crumbles.
[Fudge stars and stripes joke removed by the editor]
As Trump flares and burns across the night sky like a shooting star with too much beta-carotene, Fox News recently tweeted this gem. Last week, instead of covering the news, they got tens of thousands of people to retweet something that should be an embarrassment to their brand. Granted, finding Republican accomplishments is fast becoming Bigfoot rare, but this is absurd even by Fox News ‘standards’. Look at that above image again …take as long as you need. Sure Bush and Trump inherited strong economies—operative word ‘inherited’. Simply put, history will grade Obama and Clinton’s economic prowess and accomplishments light-years ahead of Dubya and Trump’s. So you can shove the rest of your 24/7 anecdotal drivel up Hannity’s America (Mick drop).
We have successfully made the transition from ‘know hope’ to ‘no hope’. In today’s political circus, the Freedom Caucus is now all the rage. Are you kidding me? The only thing standing between El Trumpedente and everything he wants for Christmas is a pack of hyenas? Through the magic of redistricting, we must support the minority of the minority? Who wants to cheer on the frickin’ Freedom Caucus? Then again, they did save Obamacare. The enemy of my enemy is my friend’s enema? I don’t even follow that one. People are concerned about republican in-fighting. Don’t be. When it counts, conservative-types are always united in their wrongness. Republicans do impress me in one sense as they’ve discovered so many distinct, yet shitty factions, views and philosophies. Multinefarious? Diversdefecation? Fine, I’ll work on that one.