Republicans Never Have Valid Arguments Which Serves Them Well

After creating diversionary scandals, damaging the republic, and tearing down the western world order, one might wonder how Republicans find the time to compromise their principles. Scandals and flip flops, flip flops and scandals abound. To meet these changes and challenges our conservative friends must reinvent themselves more often than a replicant with OCD. “You can never step into the same Republican party twice, but afterwards you should probably change your shoes.” —Heraclitus

The endless Republican distractions that have haunted my adult life are simultaneously getting more attention while being less plausible. I pulled the following remark from a Discord comment thread last week—a summary of my fruitless battles against the ongoing Republican counter-narratives:

My scandals: “Bush is torturing people!” Mick Zano (2006). “We tortured some folks.” Barack Obama (2016). “Bush is lying us into a war with Iraq!” Mick Zano (2002). The Downing Street Memos are leaked proving Bush lied us into war with Iraq (2005).
Conclusion: No investigations, no executions, no consequences of any kind.

Now here’s a typical Fox/AM radio/rightwing propaganda-style scandal:
Colonel Mustard with the candlestick in the library. No wait, wait, it’s Professor Plum in the conservatory with the revolver. Wait, Mrs Peacock, where was that bitch when this happened? …with the lead pipe. No, really? There was no lead pipe? Um, we still have some questions for Colonel Mustard.”
Conclusion: Case brought to trial and dismissed with prejudice.

If you want to look at deep state corruption, start there. When all is said and done, nine out of ten legal experts will agree the Page FISA warrant followed proper FBI procedures, but as long as they have one legal eagle in Foxsylvania, it’s game-on. This still doesn’t explain why the biggest scandals of the last 30 years invariably get a free pass.

All rightwing inquiries and investigations will prove frivolous, but they aren’t designed to stand the test of time, are they? They are simply crafted to last x-amount of news cycles, that’s it. Mission accompromised. Let the record show how they focused on regurgitating endless crapola while obvious cracks formed at the heart of our republic.

Let’s look at some of their ever-shifting arguments:

Russian Meddling

  1. Not happening.
  2. Happening, but didn’t effect the outcome.
  3. Well, it might have effected the outcome, so why didn’t Obama stop it? You know, *cough* the thing that wasn’t happening…

Russian Collusion

  1. No collusion
  2. Sure we all met with Russians, several times, then lied about it. But no collusion.
  3. “Everyone does it. It’s not illegal.”  —Rudy Giuliani


  1. We are not torturing.
  2. We are using enhanced interrogation techniques, but only on the worst of the worst.
  3. Sure torture is widespread, but it’s helping to keep Americans safe.

Global Warming

  1. Not happening
  2. Happening, but the result of naturally occurring earthly cycles.
  3. Mankind has accelerated this phenomenon, but only because of India and China.

I saw the climate one coming many years ago, here. When you don’t have an argument it’s easy to figure out the game plan. Yet predicting this stuff long before it happens has availed me nothing. I live in a super majority of the enemy. The word enemy is not overstated. These are dangerously misinformed folks and, if given the chance, they will destroy us. So why did we give them the chance?

Press = Not enemy of state

Trumpsters = Enemy of state

Oh, and don’t forget the constant flip-flops:

Executive Orders

  1. Executive orders are constitutional and welcome (2000-2008) While we were invading the wrong country and torturing folks.
  2. Executive orders are unconstitutional (2008-2016) During the world wide effort to counter Bush’s economic blunders.
  3. Executive orders are constitutional (2016-unknown ) While a sociopathic man-child throws his weight at the judiciary and the press.

Rampant Congressional Obstructionism

  1. Good for America (2008-2016)
  2. Bad for America (2016-unkonwn)


  1. What high deficits? The economy is fine (2000-2008) Crash.
  2. Deficits are a nightmare, thanks Obama, I thought this was America! (2008-2016) During the difficult recovery.
  3. What high deficits? (2016-unkown) Pending the next crash.

I think the only real deficits involve the Republican misuse of the last million years of mankind’s cognitive hardware. The shining beacon on the hill seems to singe their skin a bit these days. That’s not going to change any time soon, and thinking it will is a form of liberal delusion. The only option left of our collective future is to vote them out of office and right this sinking ship. If you think our voyage is going smoothly you’re the problem.

*Oops, while looking for a link I discovered a pretty similar article of mine here. Well, at least I amuse myself writing these things. Oh, and whereas I keep linking back to my insights, Republicans should probably Wiki-scrub theirs.



(Visited 104 times, 1 visits today)
Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.