Toast, It’s What’s for Climate

Lady Liberty Global Warming
Mick Zano

Two factions are duking it out, warmers and climate deniers. Obviously I hope climate deniers will be proven right, but have you seen their record? They haven’t added anything relevant to the public discourse since their messiah was wrangling dinosaurs. Blessed are the plesiosaurs?

Models are now predicting a game ending 4˚C hike by 2100, which was just echoed by the U.N. Oh, the U.N. said it, so it’ wrong! Granted, the U.N. is an incredibly dysfunctional group of individuals, but they make the GOP look like the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Meanwhile, a billion dollar network to deny climate change was recently uncovered, here, and I’m sure there’s equal money being spent by those cap-and-traders. The big difference? Those funding both sides believe in climate change, only one side believes in profits more.

“With all the worldwide mass extinctions occurring, dare we hope republicans are among them?”

—Mick Zano

If climate models don’t predict a 15-year pause in the warming, conservatives are right. But, if climate models do predict more extreme events, temps, and increased snow fall, conservatives are still right…er, because cold is the opposite of warm. Regardless of the data, regardless of the science, conservatives are always right—except for the whole always being wrong part.

A while back Matt Drudge linked to Obama to address climate change during coldest SOU in history. Yes, many climate models accurately predicted historic cold snaps and extremes, here, yet NASA just announced it’s been one of the hottest years on record, here. But, of course, republicans find the one former NASA scientist doubling as an evangelical kook. Have you heard this one? Roy Spencer’s claims have rifled around the net as he’s insisting all of our climate models are wrong. This guy ascribes to a universe wherein all of God’s work is “self-sustaining”. Of course the Super Novians would beg to differ, but they exploded. I guess republicans only read the NASA part of his resume. That’s still pretty good for them, small steps for Foxkind, small steps.

I recommend if an “expert” on any given issue agrees with any republican held position, before posting their drivel play spot-the-looney.

Spot the Looney

You can’t use what the model accurately predicts against it! Our rather frigid winter did not change the facts. England was recently hit by the worst flooding in 250 years, CA is amidst its worst drought in 500 years, and even my town, Flagstaff, had one of its warmest winters on record. I don’t know how many hundred year events have to happen as I finish this sentence before republicans cop a clue.

 

Answer: It was Mr. Green blocking the pipeline in the heartland.

No? How about:

Professor Dumb with the solar panel in the greenhouse gases?

Sorry.

The changing of our ocean currents and our jet stream (polar vortex) is actually further proof of warming. Chris Mooney over on Slate tried to counter Drudge’s spin with: No Surprise Matt Drudge Gets it Wrong Again. This approach misses the main point. Matt Drudge and the Koch Brothers are sociopaths. They know global warming is happening, but they are systematically muddying the waters to keep society from tackling one of the most pressing issues of our time.

Alternate street parking?

Okay, the other most important issue of our time.

They are fighting for short term profits over our future existence via the “kitchen sink” method. The GOP employs this method for everything from scandals, to the economy, to social issues. They are inundating us with anecdotal nonsense, which in the case of climate change is designed to keep the debate alive. Here’s the equation:

 

Debate = Inaction

Inaction = Profits

Profits = Treasure Bath!!!!!

 

treasure bath

Whether the world is getting cooler, warmer, becoming denser, or even going paisley, we need a War on Coal now. The GOP—or at least their “think tanks”—will continue to ignore the overwhelming consensus of science, not out of stupidity, but out of a massive spin campaign designed to keep fossil fuels alive and well.

“Wind farms killed another bird last week, so let’s go back to poisoning our water supply with coal. Are you going hunting this weekend? Hey, birds don’t drink water, right?”

—John Q. Republican

Give Charles Koch a lie detector test. Ask him if he believes in climate change. Ask him if he believes in trickle-down economics. Ask him if he believes Obama is the worst president ever. Hah! He doesn’t believe in anything except his own bank account.

The republican’s Climate Change playbook:

1. Deny as long as possible.

(See: the right wing media.)

2. Blame natural earthly cycles and downplay man’s influence

(Which is becoming increasingly unlikely, here.)

3. Say, “Well, India and China wouldn’t have changed anyway.”

(Is everything they think wrong? Apparently, here.)

4. Melt into a small pool of goo.

(Step 4 is sadly non-partisan)

Republicans are currently somewhere between number 1 and 2, the “climate taint” as it were, which is astounding when everyone else has reached DEFCON 5. Today, people are actually less likely to believe in global warming than even 6 months ago, to the tune of 7%, a trend directly due to the Fox fog machine, here. On a good note, Fox has increased their real warming coverage from 7% to 28%, per The Guardian here. Even Fox News realizes it’s time to start shifting to phase-2. When they finally admit it’s happening they will immediately absolve themselves of any wrong doing. Remember when Iraq was just some bad intelligence? …actually, it was a lack thereof. Modus GOPerandi?

Slate Magazine is covering our arctic ice death spiral here. That’s different from a death panel…in that it’s real. But the right has countered with their own important story:

“There’s still plenty of ice in my freezer, in fact, there is so much ice I am concerned I won’t be able to shut the freezer door soon.”

—John Q. Republican

The tiny sliver of climate denying studies, roughly 4 percent, is where Matt Drudge, The Heritage Foundation and Fox News mine for all of their meaningless nuggets of climate change wisdom. And they can repudiate every “9 of 10 climatologists believe” moment by finding one study misclassified.

“Oh, yeah, how about that one study from Scheister and Alarmist. The data is wrong so it’s really only 96.98% so the whole thing is a lie!”

—John Q. Republican

If a model predicts we will lose a Maryland sized glacier and we only lose a Delaware sized one, they call “gotcha”. Then they forever cherry pick quotes from that one quack on the dole. Bill Nye recently said on Maher’s Real Time, “They (The GOP) keep banking on that small percentage of uncertainty.”

Look, science doesn’t know exactly how warm it will get by 2030, it doesn’t know exactly what percentage is caused by man, it may even change its mind outright at some point based on new findings, but:

 

Dear GOP,

If you rarely get anything right, why are you so sure of yourselves on Climate Change?

Sincerely,

Earth

P.S. Science is only 100% certain of one thing, republicans are always wrong.

 

Whereas science is currently wrestling with global patterns, republicans are wrestling with parables and proverbs. Our climate scientists are looking to understand the big picture while republicans are still staring at that bent Polaroid they dug out of their VHS tape drawer. Sorry, but we already passed the tipping point, we’re toast…and yet half our country still can’t even identify the problem? Really? So essentially the GOP won. Their plan was to keep debating until it’s too late. Remember, kids, when a republican wins, we all lose. The whole thing is almost as astounding as their economic views…well, not quite.

Reality is a hoax
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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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