Washington, DC—The Secret Service is in hot water today as even more allegations have surfaced of a massive security breakdown. First, the public was led to believe the recent White House intruder only jumped the fence and made it to the front door. The story changed on September 29th when the Secret Service admitted the intruder made it all the way to the East Room. Now they are admitting the man, Omar J. Gonzalez, not only reached the East Room, but has been living there comfortably for several weeks.
Gonzales actually first scaled the fence on August 12th and has now claimed squatter’s rights and is refusing to leave. White House lawyers admit the situation is complicated. Since the Secret Service took so long to notice Mr. Gonzales, he does have some rights to stay. Under District of Columbia Law he can remain at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for an additional 30 days at which time he can replace Vice President Joe Biden.
Republicans were quick to criticize the President. AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh, said, “I would have already used the Stand Your Ground Laws in conjunction with a bazooka on this hippie deadbeat.”
Ann Coulter was also quick to add, “I’m sure Mr. Obama has already offered his new roommate food stamps, medical care, and a voter ID card.”
Obama is considering using an executive order to have the man “clean the bathroom and then vacate the premises” but many in his cabinet feel this constitutes two executive orders, not one.
“I don’t care what the dude in the cabinet thinks,” countered Obama. “He should get the hell out too! What the hell am I running here, a Bed & Breakfast?”
Mr. Obama later admitted he is soft on trespassers and ended up taking Mr. Gonzales golfing. The President would also like to remind republicans that the outing was totally on the tax payer’s dime.