Philadelphia, PA—Regrettably, Mick Zano will no longer be submitting the vast majority of the yucks yucks here on The Daily Discord. Mr. Zano was given his two post notice this week along with a severance package consisting of a $5 Starbucks’ gift certificate and a 2009 desk calendar. “Wow, first a pen set that turned out to be pencils and now this!” said Zano.
The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, is firing Mr. Zano for several reasons, not the least of which is his recent connection to a string of brutal murders in the Tucson area. Winslow is hoping the shakeup will send a stern message to the rest of the contributors. When asked, Mr. Winslow had no idea what that message might be.
“I just want him gone,” said Winslow. “He has become increasingly demanding and increasingly demented. And NO, Zano! Our Photoshop workers are not going to create a golden statue in your likeness. The guy’s got Colbert’s ego, minus the talent.”
Mick Zano believes his new duties at an undisclosed northern Arizona Walmart will sustain him. “I’ll be just fine,” said Zano. “Well, at least until the background check comes back.”