Zano: Inconsolable, Sobbing and Refusing to Leave Local Bar

Mick Zano

Crow is delicious. Mmmm, crow. I predicted the Dems would hang onto the Senate, or would at least make it an interesting fight. Welcome to my wrongness. I reckon’ed at least two republican candidates would self-disqualify themselves with gaffes to keep this thing tight. And, yes, ya’ll have to use words like ‘reckoned’ now. Not sure of the spelling or where that doohickey goes but don’t worry, in the face of encroaching illiteracy, I’m pushing my own Stand Your Grammar laws. But fair is fair, we must congratulate the winners—all one percent of them.

I have to admit the GOP played it smart. Search the Discord and you will never find GOP and smart in the same article, until now. But they opted for nearly no: debates, questions, or interviews. They stuck with their strengths, aka the prerecorded-attack-ad-only-model (PAAOM). Still, to be a good sport I called guru Nate Silver to congratulate him. He told me to stop calling.

Conventional wisdom suggests republicans are tacking to the center to pick candidates more electable in general elections. I call bullshit on this theory. Conventional wisdom, right or left, is an oxymoron. Sure republicans lied to gain some votes and, of course they scared the shit out of old people, but there’s no way they will govern to the center. My republican radicalization theory (RRT) remains intact. Besides, shit comes out of old people way too easily in the first place. Have you ever been to a nursing…oh, I’m being told all nursing home funding was cut.

Sure holding the Senate was an uphill battle, but did I underestimate the Fox News Effect? Hell no, in fact, this powerful force of misinformation is a large part of why I blog. I just hope the jig will eventually be up. You can’t live in an alternate universe forever (a Beautiful Blind?).

Fun Fact: an estimated 37% of the people who voted in the midterms were over 60:

“That’s a staggeringly high percentage of the vote for the over-60s. If anyone doubts the potency of Fox News’ relentless campaign to remind anyone over 50 that the world is coming undone and Obama is entirely the reason, then those numbers should be definitive.”

—Andrew Sullivan

I agree, the shit I’ve been talking about for years is “definitive”. For these midterms I was just hoping to hasten the Republican’s inevitable demise. There’s really no way forward until The GOP’s power is sufficiently diminished. Trust me on this one. Having more of these kooks around Capitol Hill is not going to help.

Cynicism Alert:

Dear Zano,

Having more republicans in office will greatly increase Discord stats.

Pierce Winslow

P.S. Oh, and no more words over two syllables, Zano. The people have articulated, I mean spokeicated. Shit.

Sure I got this one wrong but I was just trying to show some chutzpah. Wait, I’m being told republicans cut funding for chutzpah. Okay, I was showing, uh… I’m being told moxie met the chopping block, too. Please tell me they didn’t do anything to spunk! Actually, that’s okay:

“I hate spunk.”

—Lou Grant

The ambivalence of young voters did not go unnoticed in my town. But young people are never going to give a shit, the real story is what happened to our old people. Their brains—organs usually associated with something called wisdom—have been completely hijacked by the Koch Brothers. It makes me want to run into traffic screaming:

They’re Here! They’re Already Among Us! You’re Next!
They’re here! They’re already among us! You’re next! Invasion of the Brain Snatchers?
Invasion of the Brain Snatchers?

Kidding, all pods must be purchased through Monsanto and, believe you me, nothing alive is ever going to pop out of that shit. So our greatest generation will go out as pod people, nice. I’m not really mad at these frightened Foxeteers. I’m more concerned about why we have all these old scared fucks in the first place. It’s those puppet masters that I’d like to call to the carpet.

[‘Lying like a rug’ joke omitted by the editor]

Post the election the Washington Post asked: Where Did Obama Go Wrong? Sullivan thinks the article, like the entire republican paradigm, is crapola:

“For me, the most persuasive answer to the question was the botched roll-out of healthcare.gov. No one else can be blamed for this, and it hit the president’s ratings like a ten-ton truck, as well it might. October 2013 is when his disapproval rating first clearly topped the approval rating with some daylight and stayed there. And the fall of 2013 was also when he pivoted away from striking Syria – which brought a chorus of disapproval from the Washington bigwigs and, of course, the GOP.”

Andrew Sullivan

I think the whole Obama is the worst president ever premise is complete bullshit. Sure lots of people believe it, but lots of people also watch reality television. Republicans invented a bunch of scandals, the kind people should only be able to come up with where pot is legal, and then they added Obama’s failures, mostly caused by Congress obstructionism, and presto. Sullivan is saying the one thing he really botched, the rollout of the ACA, was catastrophic. I agree, but how is that possible? The worst thing for our worst president ever was delaying something republicans didn’t want anyway? …huh?

Summary Alert:

Worst Presidential Blunders:

Barack Obama  =  The rollout delay of Obamacare due to Healthcare.gov glitches. (approximately 90 days)

George W. Bush  =  Uh, I don’t have that kind of time, but suffice to say his Medicare Supplement-D program also had a delay due to website issues.

(approximately 90 days)

Dear Republicans,

Whereas Bush’s Medicare-D program was wholly unfunded and contributed to a global economic collapse, Obamacare has actually reduced the deficit.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. Hey, so maybe republicans are right; we should be mad about the delayed rollout! Damn you, Obama!

I didn’t even know the actual timeline of the Bush delay thing until researching that joke…Oh, and the Medicare-D rollout thing never made Bush’s top 100 fuck ups, but don’t be Obama and try that shit.

So what the hell are you people talking about? Oh, I forgot, it doesn’t matter. The alternate reality I’ve been talking about for over a decade is sadly becoming my reality:

So now a special liberal-bashing rant for those who didn’t vote:

(I know fear is always going to be a better motivator, but you still deserve some scrutiny)

I respectfully ask that all the potheads who didn’t vote put out your joints. Likewise all the married gays should now turn in your marriage licenses. And all those millions now insured under Obamacare must drop your policies and the same goes for those covered under Medicaid expansion.

And to those last few union holdouts, good riddance. Move to a right-to-work state and in a decade you too can earn one sick day! To those fighting for clean energies, sorry you didn’t vote, but meanwhile enjoy fossil fuels. Don’t worry, you will be fossils soon enough.  For all those making minimum wage, enjoy more of that magic for years to come. But don’t worry, shit’s going to trickledown. Oh, and let’s not forget the ladies earning 85 cents on the dollar. Maybe you deserve only 75? And to all those stupid ass animals who didn’t vote, welcome to the sixth extinction. Oh, you can’t vote? Well, the rest of you could and chose not to. You didn’t vote because you didn’t think things were that bad, or that the midterms don’t matter, but what you are actually doing is allowing a group wholly detached from reality to govern.

Good luck with that.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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