76 search results for "Rome"

An Estimated 98% Of Brain Activity Occurs Subconsciously & That Number Is Higher In Republicans

by Mick Zano • May 26, 2020

As our DOJ becomes an extension of the imperial presidency and Trump’s incompetence in the face of the current crisis drives us ever closer to ruin, what exactly drove the republican brain toward such spectacular folly? This concept has plagued me over the years, much like Bluetooth. Paranoia is a key ingredient in the conservative batshit soup. The wind beneath their cheeks? In the book American Conspiracy Theories, two political scientists out of the University of Miami wrestled with the rarity of the party in control maintaining such a high level of suspiciousness. They claim paranoid conspiracy theories are usually relegated to the disenfranchised, under-represented losers of any given election. The GOP’s ongoing reliance on Illuminatiesque subplots as the party in power is almost unprecedented. During the impeachment hearings, in true Goebbles fashion, several republican senators attacked the prosecution for attacking their own party’s fixation on irrelevant scandals. Had Hunter Biden been forced to testify, his appearance would have actually rewarded Trump’s bad behavior and made the Senate itself complicit in his crimes. Why address this reality anymore, when you can create an alternate one? So maintaining a nonsensical level of paranoia comes with some clear fringe benefits …from the same fringe poised to steal your benefits.

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by Mick Zano • April 27, 2020

Tweet Tower—The Vatican senses a great evil in the world, a disturbance in the force, an unholy bunching in the crotch of mankind’s panties. To the backdrop of the increasingly incoherent ramblings of the American president, Pope Francis demands action. By all accounts, Donald Trump is not the expected version of the antichrist, in fact, stark Biblical inconsistencies place his holiness squarely on the gobsmacked side of flummoxed. “The scripture insists the antichrist would come in the form of a handsome silver-tongued, charismatic leader,” said the Pope, “The New Testament describes a worthy advisory who would fool the world into falling into shadow—not a dickless, tiny-handed despot-wannabe.” The Pope quickly walked back his comments, “Fine, he may have a penis but it’s what we in Rome call piccolo. Look, we were really banking on Obama here; he would have been perfect for the role! Anyway, we must not take the gospel as gospel, we must take it with a pillar of salt.”

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by Mick Zano • February 9, 2020

Zano Nation, activate, form of authoritarian savior! Despite my last post, I do consider myself a patriot, except during three of the last six Superbowls. At the very least I love this planet, the one on which my country happens to reside. Did I not root for Earth in the movie Independence Day, Earth vs the Flying Saucers, Battlefield Earth, Earth vs The Spider (the original and the MST version), not to mention every War of Worlds movie ever made, even the one with Tom Cruise? Let that sink in for a minute …even the one with Tom Cruise. But today insight itself is shunned, which is just what the giant spider wants! My blogging started as a condemnation of republican thought since as far back as the premiere of American Idol. I still believe, Sanjaya! But, if our democracy is determined to shift toward a more imperial presidency, why not prop up a progressive Ubermensch over a deplorable one? Let’s imagine a world run by a more spiritually-centered, liberal fascist …you know, a better despot, a leader who both lifts and separates …wait, or is that from those Cross Your Heart Bra commercials? If we’re deadset on despotism, let’s upgrade MAGA to Make Autocracies Great Again. Why have an Ass-clown Hitler when we could install a Dalai Stalin, or a Gengis Gandhi, or even a Lenin Lennon?

[I’m being told to stop. I’m being Yoko Amin’d.]

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by Mick Zano • October 29, 2019

AG William Barr is walking a tightrope between salvaging the last remnants of his reputation, and making something stick on the latest Hannity-spawned spy novel narrative. The inability to find anything truly damning is likely behind the delay in the release of the FISA report. Barr only needed a day to reduce Mueller’s work to: “No collusion, no obstruction,” but making up shit that people will be imprisoned for is a tougher task, even for assholes. Don’t fret, Republicans, those “scandals” did their job. How else would we have a republic-ending ass clown in office? Now their latest installment of Spygate, headed by John “Bullshit” Durham, has apparently uncovered some crimes. Double-spaced documents, improper use of headers, and even margin issues occurred at the highest levels of our intelligence community. There’s a slew of formatting atrocities that will break this case wide open.

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by Mick Zano • October 24, 2019

Dear America, please don’t lure me back to those days when I despised both sides of the political aisle. It should be painfully obvious in 2019 that we have a fairly typical party and a wholly deplorable one. Despite this fact, the Eye of Zano is turning once again toward the Mountains of Blandness. The cognitive dissonance is becoming more pronounced on the left, as predicted …but, hey, at least they can pronounce something. It’s hard to remain optimistic when half of our Democratic hopefuls have no grasp of today’s issues and the other half are too old to articulate them. Congressional hearings are equally as disturbing when Republicans remain unsure of the main premise outside of last night’s Hannity segment, and liberals won’t cede their time to the prosecutorial ringers in the room because of their egos. Soundbite over country?

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by Mick Zano • June 9, 2019

Sometimes I still think highly of our top military brass and our MIB-spook-types. Despite my disgust with our industrial military complex in general—with its egregious abuses to our environment and its abysmal failure to allocate their Dr. Evil gazillions responsibly—certainly some military luminaries demand our respect. In the end, however, it’s those “good soldiers” who tend to betray us. I’m talking about those folks who insist on staying in their lane while Rome burns. Former Defense Secretary, General Mattis, rightly stepped down in protest over Trump’s dangerous inconsistencies with troop involvement/levels in Syria. General Petraeus remains one of the leading military intelligence minds of our time and, back in the day, General Wesley Clark broke ranks, or broke something by leaking Dubya’s master plan to topple seven regimes in the Middle East—all for the purpose of planting magic democracy beans, you know, the ones he no doubt purchased from an as yet undisclosed bean dealer with ties to the Saudi Royals. However, these military bright spots seem to be the exception, not the rule. In the end these institutions simply do not prepare our military personnel, or our intelligence officers for the insidiousness of today’s body politic. They will sell out their country under the pretense of some misguided sense of duty and for that we should damn them along with the rest of the Republican shit show.

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by Mick Zano • March 4, 2019

The alternate reality that is the rightwing media echo chamber came into focus after 9/11. There was always concern that our response to 9/11, not the event itself, would be our undoing. Osama bin Laden knew this even if Dubya, for all his stratgery, didn’t. Today we’ve reached the promised land, kids, a place where nothing in the Fox-Trump continuum even matches the findings of our own intelligence community. Yay, team ‘Murica! We are officially two separate countries and both of them are going tits up. Post Trump’s inauguration I predicted Fox & Friends would attempt to drive this whopping pile of Foxal matter through The White House by—

[‘F*** the Face of the Nation’ joke removed by the editor. Geesh, Zano, get back on those meds!]

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by Mick Zano • October 7, 2018

Washington—Judge Brett Kavanaugh was sworn into the U.S. Supreme Court today by a narrow 50-48 Senate vote. Kavanaugh becomes the country’s 114th Supreme Court justice, but only the 2nd known sex offender to sit on the highest court in the land. President Trump now has two successful supreme court appointments. Las Vegas had +115 odds for Kavanaugh’s confirmation. He therefore had about the same odds as the likelihood of a Trump impeachment during his first term. Oh, and Vegas is tallying the odds right now for a potential Gorsuch #MeToo moment. Put me down for a Jackson! Mr. Winslow, can you spot me a twenty?

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by Mick Zano • September 3, 2018

Concern for our Republican friend’s ability to process information is growing throughout the scientific community. This is especially true when it comes to ones ability to identify dangers. Thanks to recent studies using MRI and brain scanning technology, science is getting ever closer to understanding the conservative brain. Too much Fox News viewing can result in an overly-worked and oversized amygdala. This important brain structure helps us identify dangers and is the part of the brain associated with survival instincts. Our perception of danger can become skewed with long term 24/7 news propaganda. A nonstop fear response results in excessive blood flow to this region that over time causes a form of political PTSD. Certain themes can trigger the amygdala shifting our perception from the mundane to the monstrous. This is why Fox-watching is now the fifth F of primal human behavior. Once the reptilian brain is activated many of the higher functions of the frontal lobes are overridden. Sound familiar? This can even happen in a polling booth. Take this simple test to see if your amygdala suffers from Fox Fatigue Syndrome (FFS). These questions get progressively harder and progressively more progressive. If at any point this test becomes too intense, turn on Fox News or your favorite AM radio station and bitch about border security, minorities or millennials before completing this important assessment tool.

Take this test today. You have the right to know!

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by Mick Zano • August 25, 2018

Cairo, EG—The earliest-known individually-wrapped cheese slice was discovered during a recent Egyptian cheesecavation on the Giza platter. The newly unearthed tomb of Tutankraftun Havarti II also points to the existence of a ruler named Ahkenckolbyparmen III. This little-known pharaoh was apparently the first to combine parmigiano-reggiano in the same container for widespread distribution throughout the coveted Trans-Asiago Trader Joe’s route. Soon after, parmaceuticals became the scourge of the ancient world.

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