Best Of

Best of

FBI Obtains FISA Warrant To Eavesdrop On President Trump’s Internal Voices

Washington—The intelligence community has continued to work diligently to determine the origin of the “voices” plaguing the president’s age-addled brainFBI Director James Comey met with the head of the American Psychological Association yesterday and then promptly contacted a FISA judge for a warrant. Mr. Comey told the Discord today, “We need to determine if these messages are the result of a psychotic disorder, or if a foreign government has successfully hacked into the president’s brain. Therefore, I have obtained a FISA warrant to listen to the president’s thoughts. Not me personally, of course, but an appointee. I mean, F-that shit.” Mr. Trump was then informed he would need to remove the aluminum foil from his heada tactic used to block out these voicesand then don some particularly goofy lab apparatus.

Sesame Street’s Grover Detained After Attempting To Scale White House Fence

Washington, DC—The Secret Service has foiled the fourth attempt to breach the White House grounds in so many weeks. This latest incident occurred Sunday afternoon and involved the well-known children’s icon, Grover, of Sesame Street fame. Grover was arrested near the south entrance of the White House donning a cape and a plastic knight’s helmet. White House spokesperson Sean Spicer told the press, “Grover was arrested while attempting to climb the fence armed with volatile educational materials, educational materials deemed helpful to children.” Grover’s friend and acting attorney, Big Bird, of Fozzie, Fozzie, Fozzie, Big Bird and Elmo, received a frantic call from Grover yesterday, “They are waterboarding me in the Lincoln room (glug, glug), thank Henson I don’t require air to survive! (glug, glug). Send Muppetnator back in time to kill Cheney (glug, glug, glug).”

Truck Filled With Alternative Facts Crashes En Route To White House

Indianapolis, IN—A semi-truck loaded with alternative facts slid off of Route I-465 earlier today as a result of some slippery political conditions. The truck toppled and the trailer ripped open scattering endless conservative crapola all over the interstate. The incident caused two lane closures and may have triggered several nonsensical executive orders. The shipment of Alt-Facts was set to arrive at the White House on Wednesday. The Trump Administration admitted some of the material was slated for use during an upcoming Trump press conference. Amongst the hodgepodge of circus-like wreckage included tens of thousands of marbles, but Republicans remain adamant that they clearly lost their marbles long ago.

As I’m Stepping Into The TwiRight Zone

The incoming administration will thrust our nation into one of the darker corners of The TwiRight Zone. The historical two punch resembles bookends: on one side we have 9/11, or more accurately our piss poor reaction to it, and on the other we have President Donald J. Trump. This election hit me harder than 9/11 as The Donald personifies our nation’s ideological, educational and developmental deficiencies. The Underachievables? Post 9/11, we watched W. gut our foreign policy safeguards, suspend habeas corpus, torture some folks, and then created the Orwellianesque NSA and drone program we enjoy today. Thoughtful discretion ruled for the last eight years, but now we are handing these expanded powers to a man child with an even more expanded ego. The Donald aims to finish what Incurious George started, so check please! And balances please! Kidding, those will become harder to find than a water filter in Flint, Michigan under Trump’s new EPA pick. David Frum and others believe our Constitutional firewalls will hold. They are wrong. Trump will rule like a strong man, well, a strong man with a brain-eating bacteria. Trumptofuccus? Somewhere President Samuel Adams is rolling over in his brewery.

First Footprints Suggest Early Humans Were “Drunk As Shit”

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Ethiopian Pour-Over—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, has posited a new and controversial theory of human bipedal development. Dr. Hogbein explains, “Early man had either some piss poor balance or a high blood alcohol content. My research supports the latter. Essentially man was forced to walk great distances in the early Pleistocene, because the pubs of the time were so far apart. I believe bipedal locomotion itself can be attributed to the obvious benefits of standing during flip cup, chandelier, and several other early Australofraterneritus drinking games. We also know the precursor to beer pong was played with boulders, which may explain the extinction of the Neanderthals, who archeological evidence suggests preferred Quarters or Mexican.”

Trump To Tour Arkham Asylum To Vet Potential Cabinet Members

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Gotham CityThe nation watches in anticipation as the president-elect, Donald Trump, vets key members of his future administration. He has chosen to shift the focus of his search to Arkham, an infamous Asylum for the criminally insane. Will his cabinet include Sarah Palin, Chris Christie, Newt Gingrich, or the Penguin? Dr. Jonathan Crane, aka The Scarecrow, will be conducting Tuesday’s tour of the facility and grounds. “He should think outside the isolation room for this one,” said Dr. Crane. “I hope he considers some of the lesser known talent, hidden away deep in the bowels of this important institution. Either Atomic-Man or the Electrocutioner would be well-suited to head the Department of Energy, and both of them have pending parole hearings. Two-Face would make the perfect Secretary of State and Mr. Freeze could single handedly combat global warming, well, if you believe in that sort of thing.”