Spoof News

Satire at its finest.

Obama Clarifies PA Misstatement: Meant ‘Bible Thumping Hickwads’

While stomping for crowds in central Pennsylvania earlier this week, Senator Obama clarified his unfortunate remarks made earlier in his campaign. “When I said that you Pennsylvanians get bitter, and cling to your guns or religion, I forgot to add drugs and moonshine.” Obama made it clear he wanted to set the record straight, “Many of you young redneck bumpkins are now a bunch of strung-out slack-jawed junkies, and I want you Bible thumping hickwads to know that when I’m elected president I’ll be in your NASCAR-watching opossum-eating corner.”

A Recent Email Exchange Between Barak Obama and the Discord’s Own, Mick Zano

Mick —

This night could not have happened 40 years ago — or even 4 years ago.

And it could not have happened without you.

You believed, against the odds, that change was possible. I felt your passion here tonight, and I know it was shared by millions of Americans who are building this movement all across the country.

Tonight is your night. But tonight is just the beginning.

I need your support more than ever.

Barak Obama

Dear Barak,

I don’t think we should see each other any more. It was fun and all, and, let’s face it, Biden was a much better pick than what’s-her-name. But here’s the thing: you’ve been plugging up my email and impeding my ability to get to LesbianGladiators.com. I need lesbians Barak, and I am not as interested in their rights to visit each other in hospitals as I am their ability to fight each other in the field of battle with only their glistening god-given armor and a broad sword (pardon the pun).

Mick Zano

Study Finds Obese Children at Greater Risk for Fat Jokes

A recent non-experimental study conducted at Washington Middle School suggests a rotund correlation between heavier children and lipid-related peer-scrutiny (LRPS).  Actually, it was more of a survey, really…OK, we stopped some fat kid in the hall, but we really feel there is something to this.

Study Finds Fibromyalgia Linked to Bull Shit

A recent study conducted on seventeen bitchy women and three lazy sacks of shit (LSS) found moderate to high levels of bovine fecundity sprinkled liberally into their medical disability claim forms.  This shit is likely to spread to such questionable diagnosis as Chronic Unemployment Syndrome and Irresponsible Bowel.  Researchers predict that, if left uncompensated, this might even impact sufferers of Employtile Dysfunction and Restless Keg Syndrome.

Desperate for Experience Points, Dems Opt for Controversial Mind-Meld

The mind meld is a potentially dangerous procedure first used by a race known as Vulcans. According to Wikipedia, the most trusted name in collaborative wisdom, Vulcans can perform mind melds with Humans. Dems fear some of Biden’s traits could bleed through. This fear was only heightened when, immediately after the procedure, Obama answered the question, “How do you feel?” with a forty-seven minute litany on feelings.

The Discord to Lay Off Seventeen Editers

The Discord will forge ahead despite the unexpected lie off of seven of our valued employeees. Having boundless talent, we have, reached the conclusion that we—as a staff) can funktion without the aid of our worthy colleageus, and, to, further prove our grammatorial prowess;: we have even shut off our grammer chex, as well as our spell check options on our personal PCs. We will miss you editers…not so much..

Band of Klingons Ruin Local Civil War Reenactment

In hindsight, the decision to host a Star Trek convention at the Gettysburg Inn on the same day as a civil war reenactment was a mistake,” admits hotel manager Sam Watkins. “Tragically, we discovered that fake muskets are no match for the bat’leth.”