London, ENG—Pope Benedict XVI’s state visit to the UK began with the delivery of King Henry VIII’s annulment from Catherine of Aragon in a ceremony on the Gatwick Airport tarmac.  As a former Hitler Youth come in the back door, there was no Heathrow for him.  Citing the loss of the Church of England, rise of Lutheranism, bloodshed, butchery, gay bishops and the entire reign of Mary Tudor, the Vatican determined that granting the annulment was a better idea than not.  Steven Hawking navigated any space-time issues confronting the Vicar of Christ’s plan, meanwhile Dr. Who (all of them) were pissed they were never consulted on the matter (or the anti-matter). The price of tea futures spiked as the colonization and pillage of India could well be annulled as a necessary side effect.

Second up on the day’s itinerary, Anne Boleyn, convicted in legal proceedings that would embarrass even a Texan, was resurrected by the Pontiff.  The event occurred between the beatification of John Henry Cardinal Newman and the Pope’s arrest and transfer to The Hague.  The Pope is currently facing charges for crimes against humanity, including the serial rape of thousands of children, as well as one episode of urinating in public. The pope, using a decidedly pagan defense, is claiming “nature called.” As for the other charges, the Pope stated he is only continuing Bush’s No Child’s Behind Left policy.  The joke resulted in a class action lawsuit from Christopher Hitchens, who claims the joke was originally his.

New York, NY—In what is being hailed as a desperate move to win hearts and minds, Barak and Michelle Obama are starring in an adaptation of the classic film, Mary Poppins.  The play is set to open this week on Broadway, while many are left asking the acronym-laden question, BWTF?  During the three hour performance, the Obama’s sing and dance their way through a number of Poppins’ classics such as: a spoonful of stimulus makes the medicine—you can no longer afford—go down, and SuperStimulisticHealthcarexpialadocious!  Even though the price of it is something quite atrocious. 

Three Obama lawyer associates, from the law firm of Rodger, Rodgers, and Hammerstein, successfully bring the musical score back to an age when the musical theater genre should have been left in a nearby dumpster.

Reviews are harsh and Michelle Obama’s performance is described as “decidedly sucky” by the New York Times.  The most controversial number occurs near the play’s finale when our sitting President sings the lyrics: Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim Fuck Bush.

“I thought that the whole thing lacked a certain class,” said our own Bald Tony, who, to show his disapproval, made fart noises throughout the second half of the play—until he was pistol whipped by the Secret Service.

Paris, FR—Paris Hilton was arrested last night after French police conducted a strip search of the debutante in the French capital last night.  The Hilton family heiress was, according to French police, hiding a large quantity of cocaine in her person.

When asked what a baggie of cocaine was doing lodged in her privates, Hilton responded, “That’s not mine.  The vagina is in mine, sure, but I haven’t been up there myself in some time.”   She then added, “I have people for that.”

French police were also highly offended by where Paris Hilton chose to insert a sizeable replica of the Eiffel Tower.

“Oh, that,” said Hilton, “I think I picked that up at the Parisian Palace last week in Vegas.”

Hilton is now reportedly suing Las Vegas for false advertising.

“Isn’t their motto supposed to be ‘what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?’  I don’t think that means it’s supposed to be forcibly removed by strange men in uniform in another country!”

Reportedly, Hilton later told friends and family how the items were placed there in an eerily similar manner.

New Orleans, LA— Not one to leave a job half finished, President Obama completed what his predecessor could not in the devastating aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.  The President, accompanied by an entourage of secret service, entered the Superdome on 8/29 and conducted a thorough search of the facility.  Approximately one hour later, Obama emerged with a shaky Jacob and Helena Jefferson on his arm.  Medical supplies food and water were handed to the couple, as they were ushered into awaiting ambulances. 

“This marks the end of Operation Deliver Agua,” said Obama, a mission that started five-years ago when the government attempted, but failed, to deliver food and water to the Superdome—the very place where they asked people to rendezvous after the storm.

When competence of the former administration was brought into question, Obama said, “This isn’t about blame.  Blame isn’t working anymore.  This is about…I don’t know what this is about, but it was a great photo op.”

Washington, DC–A new controversial pill is on the market today that is so irresponsible and frivolous it’s bound to be covered by Obamacare. Sometimes you just want to drug some one or another, be it chick, guy, chick-guy, or barnyard animal. Sure, you want to boink the babeage, but who needs the hassle of 18 years of child support? So, what’s a horny-criminal minded to do? Well, Johnson & Swollen Johnson is at it again with a new product line that is surely aimed to please. Xrapeabortz will knock her out without knocking her up! It’s a win win for all.

A recent study suggests Xrapeabortz works better than placebo. As a matter of fact, placebo woke up feeling a little sore the next morning. Side effects may include a10-15 year prison sentence, dry mouth, and someones’ breakfast and/or cab fare. Stop living in the shadows. Well, actually, stay in the shadows or you might be identified. What are you waiting for? Ask your probation officer if Xrapeabortz is right for you.

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord editing crew continues to be derailed by Microsoft Word 2007.   Actually, they’re derailed by any number of things—an extreme lack of competence comes to mind.   Fools!  Please send all submission in 1997-2003 format, under pain of death. When the last document from Dave Atsals arrived, but would not open properly, this is what they did (see below). They actually edited the dingbats!  Bad enough they have to edit the contributors, who are arguably dingbats.  If anyone is looking for an editing job at the Discord, if you can successfully hit the Contact Us button, you’re hired.

Oh, and on a side note, if you want to email the Ghetto Shaman, don’t call him names. It’s actually his job to call you names, “bitches!” That’s a quote, people.  As a business man, I would never call any of you bitches.  Also, on all submissions please at least include your first name, last initial, and town/state.  16 cent and Flav7 just isn’t cutting it. The Shaman expects, neigh, the Shaman demands some context so he can go do that voodoo that he does so well, bitches.  Ooops.  That was mine, but it just slipped out.  Honest.

Hollywood, CA-The Daily Discord has proof the Obama’s recent Gulf swim was displayed through the lens of, none other than, director Stanley Kubrick.  The event was staged, a fraud, a sham! Inside sources believe the scene was filmed on the soundstage where Kubrick filmed, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Spartacus, and that last Friends episode.  Republicans are, of course, trying to make as much political hay as possible out of this event by turning it into 2010: A Race Odyssey. 

Our own roving reporter, Bald Tony, cornered former astronaut, Buzz Aldrin, in a Kwik E Mart earlier today and asked him if the moon landing was also staged by Kubrick.  Aldrin became incensed and hurled several Hostess products at our reporter before a convenience store clerk, Apu Nahasa-something-or-other, intervened.

“Easy on my Twinkies, you Ding Dongs!”

Many are calling the Discord’s evidence “doctored” and “PhotoShopped.”  The CEO of the popular e-zine, Pierce Winslow, defends the unnamed source of the photo.

“The picture clearly shows the Obamas swimming on the moon.  I don’t know what more proof you need than that,” said Winslow.