Spoof News

Satire at its finest.

Easter Special Edition:
Jesus Lives!

Mii Plaza – Jesus, the accepted savior for millions of Christians world wide, largely believed to have ascended into heaven after a brief return from the dead back in AD 30, has been found alive and well in the virtual world of the Nintendo Wii. Fed up with the burdens and controversies surrounding being the central figure of the world’s largest religion, Jesus reportedly went into hiding to escape the crap.

“It’s a hassle” admits the messiah, “between the complaints from disgruntled victims, the “gimme gimme’s”, the perverted so-called holy men, and my name being used to justify everything from restricting freedom to mass-murdering crusades, I’ve had it.”

There have been a multitude of Jesus sightings since his departure from public life. He’s been seen everywhere from insane asylums to potato chips. However, recently the Lord has reportedly been making a meager living as the lowest ranked boxer in the hugely popular boxing game in Wii Sports, a video game suite included with millions of Nintendo Wii units sold world wide. He’s trying to lay low going by the alias David.

“It’s a living. I’ve been preaching humble existence for millennia,” states the savior, “This way not only can I keep millions entertained, I can give malcontents the opportunity to beat the shit out of me for whatever they perceive that I have done (or not done) to them. I also dabble in baseball, but I don’t have a large contract like some players. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you Shouta!”

Many believe that the apocalypse is looming what with the coming end of the Myan calendar; the war, famine, pestilence, and death played out in our daily new reports; and the fact that these aspects match up with every prophecy from the Bible to Nostradamus to Izzy the Nose. We took this unique oppoortunity ask Jesus to address this point. All he had to say was “Oh go ask Vishnu, I’m on my wine break. Besides, miracles have no place in sports.”

Struggling Discord to Slash Crossword Puzzle!

Philadelphia, PA – During these trying economic times, Chief Executive Officer Pierce Winslow is trying to do everything possible to save the Daily Discord as well as avoid further staff layoffs. 

“We have a great staff,” stated Winslow, “just as long as they stay in separate states and lay off the hooch.”  Mr. Winslow reflected for a moment, “All right, they suck, but they’re all we got.” 

After Mr. Winslow announced his intention to nix the crossword puzzle, a staffer pointed out the Daily Discord does not have a crossword puzzle.  Mr. Winslow became enraged.  He tipped over the water cooler, declared war on Canada, and shouted something about the Zamboni Gypsies.  After Mr. Winslow collected himself, he resolved to correct this oversight by starting a weekly crossword puzzle before implementing his initial plan to discontinue it. 

Economy Forces Seven of Ten Discord Staffers to Move Back in with Their Parents

Philadelphia, PA—“Times are tough,” admitted the Discord’s Chief Executive, Pierce Winslow.

The Daily Discord tallied its’ eighth straight monthly loss in March. Complaints during this week’s staff meeting ranged from, “I gave up my job at the Circle-K for this?” to “I gave my job up at the 7-11 for this?”  The staff had a laundry list of complaints for Mr. Winslow this week.

“Morale is something nearing Abu Ghraib levels,” stated Winslow, “Er, the inmates, not the military.”

 “We got very little of the bailout funds,” complained Bald Tony.

“Yeah,” agreed Pokey McDooris, “just like good ol’ AIG, I’d gladly give back my bonus, but it was two pens that turned out to be pencils.” 

Mr. Winslow feels his staff is just a pack of overly pessimistic whiners.

“Besides,” said Winslow, “even before the recession seven out of ten Discord staffers lived with their parents.”

First Soylent Green Plant Requesting Bailout Funds

First Soylent Green Plant Requesting Bailout Funds

Tampa, FL – “We may have bitten off more than we can chew,” stated CEO Bernie Hamilton.

Only an estimated one-in-thirty Floridians are desperate enough to eat people wafers.

“We will need that number to double in the coming months to really make this a go,” added Hamilton.

The economy is not the problem.

“It’s failing just fine, but people are just not embracing cannibalism as quickly as hoped.”

The grizzly discovery of a fingernail in one of the popular Triple Ss (the Soylent Steak Sandwich) has not helped the company’s image. Mr. Hamilton remains undaunted.

“You can’t make people omelets without breaking a few legs.”

Solyent Green, Inc. maintains that the clipping in question was a only a Lee Press-on Nail and was not technically human remains. When asked if it was a mistake leveling with the American people about the main ingredient in Soylent Green, Hamilton had this to say.

“Absolutely not.  For those still unsure, SGI is offering Soylent shakes with only half the human remains as the wafer variety.”

This marketing strategy is hoped to wean people onto their products.  Hamilton admitted the billboard ads ‘Grandpa, the Other White Meat’ and ‘Flesh is Good Food’, may have been a marketing foible.  The billboards have since been pulled and the government funding is hoped to kick off the more sensitive ad: ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, So We Are Having X-mas Dinner After All.’

Palin Outraged About Something

Wasilla, AK — Governor Sarah Palin told our own Cokie McGrath during an interview last week that she wanted to send a “strong signal” to the Obama Administration about his recent Special Olympics reference on the Tonight Show.

Governor Palin went on to say, “I resemble that remark!” and that the quote was a “tragedy to speds everywhere.”

When asked why she recently refused stimulus money for educating special needs children in her own state, she replied “I prefer those stimulus packages that go directly into those offshore accounts, for, you know, those CEO types who would vote for me. I find those Republican guys have the most stimulating packages.” 

When asked if she thought she was being a bit hypocritical, she replied “Hippowhatsas?  I’m not a doctor for Pete’s sake.”

Sarah Palin then winked, not because that was a joke, she didn’t realize the interview was not being videotaped.

Palin added, “I told you, America, you should have voted for me and Mr. Wrinkly!”

Obama Refuses to Dismantle Bush’s All Seeing Eye

Washington, DC—President Obama told reporters this Tuesday, “The eye stays put.”  Obama insists his decision to keep the All Seeing Eye, currently mounted atop the Washington Monument, is not an attempt to maintain Bush-like levels of executive power.  The President adamantly denied allegations that the office has changed him.  He went on to dodge questions about using fear to push policy, his continued use of earmarks and signing statements, as well as his complete refusal to investigate the previous administration on any front.  President Obama then assured the press that he would only send armies of orcs and goblins to get the “bad guys who mean us harm.”  The change in the President’s demeanor has drawn harsh criticism from both Democrats and Republicans alike.  Some fear Obama may be unwilling to hurl the One Ring into the Fires of Mount Doom at the end of his term.  Obama received the One Ring only after it was bitten from, then Vice President, Dick Cheney’s finger by Rahm Emmanuel on Inauguration Day.

City Plans Several Soup-Kitchen Practice Runs

Baltimore, MD—Maryland is taking a proactive stance in preparing its’ citizens for what officials are calling Project Penniless Yuppie (PPY). In accordance with MD law, the city is holding several soup-kitchen practice runs for those middle-class Americans unfamiliar with soup-line etiquette. This somewhat extreme measure is only a precaution meant to aid individuals on the outside chance that some of Obama’s completely idiotic economic policies don’t work. Local flyers encourage participants to use Blackberries, cell phones, DSs, PSPs, Gameboys, and other handheld devices to pass the time during the average 6-8 hour wait for a bowl of soup (usually carrot, sometimes carrot plus). If and when you can no longer afford batteries for these devices, the flyer suggests some of the old standbys: talking, hopscotch, hacky sac, and random sex acts with the person in front of you. Historically, random sex acts are helpful endeavors for both the participants as well as those standing nearby.

Dems Confused Why Billions of Imaginary Dollars Not Helping Economy

Washinton, DC — A confused Barak Obama addressed the press this Tuesday on the country’s continued economic woes.

“We printed more cash.  In fact, we printed a shitload more cash. Why on God’s green Earth it hasn’t helped is beyond me.”

President Obama intends to ‘stay the course’ with regards to his economic strategies and enthusiastically unveiled his ‘Build More Printers’ initiative.  Obama believes by doubling the number of existing Federal Reserve printers, we can stop the country’s financial bleeding.

“If more meaningless money isn’t enough,” states Obama, “then it’s time to really crank out the fundage.”

To the Obama Administration’s credit, the plan is gaining some modest support amongst the economically clueless. 

DNA Reveals Santa Slayer Actually Just Santa’s Helper

Covina, CA — DNA results now prove the Santa Gunman, responsible for killing nine people and injuring three others on December 25th, is not the real McCoy. Sometimes Santa Claus goes on a killing spree, but sometimes, just sometimes, he hires a Blackwater-like group of mercenaries to do his Yule-time slaying.

“It is a sad day at the North Pole when Santa Claus has to outsource his hits,” says a former consultant to the Kringle family.

The disgruntled elf is very disappointed with his former boss’ behavior.

“Granted, the naughty list is getting longer, but if the fat bastard feels strongly enough about homicide, he should do it himself.”

Fat Bastard, annoyed by the comment, is suing the elf for slander.

Obama Administration Already Low on Promises

Washington, DC – President Obama admitted to the American people this week that the government is dangerously low on promises.  It is feared the U.S. Government can not maintain sustained growth without more, much needed, unrealistic promises.

“The promises we had in the Federal Reserve are all but gone.” warns Obama, “Only by manufacturing more vital, yet empty, promises can we hope to lead the global market from the brink of destruction.”

Obama vows not to use as many promises in the future.

“We have already taken away all of V.P. Joe Biden’s promises,” said Obama, but added that stretching out the remaining promises “won’t be easy.”

The President is urging the American people to sooth themselves with the promises already promised, so as to stretch out the current supply. President Obama is denying allegations that members of his administration have initiated talks to purchase shoddily manufactured promises, in bulk, from China. Obama promises that this is not the case.  Doh!