London, ENG—Pope Benedict XVI’s state visit to the UK began with the delivery of King Henry VIII’s annulment from Catherine of Aragon in a ceremony on the Gatwick Airport tarmac. As a former Hitler Youth come in the back door, there was no Heathrow for him. Citing the loss of the Church of England, rise of Lutheranism, bloodshed, butchery, gay bishops and the entire reign of Mary Tudor, the Vatican determined that granting the annulment was a better idea than not. Steven Hawking navigated any space-time issues confronting the Vicar of Christ’s plan, meanwhile Dr. Who (all of them) were pissed they were never consulted on the matter (or the anti-matter). The price of tea futures spiked as the colonization and pillage of India could well be annulled as a necessary side effect.
Second up on the day’s itinerary, Anne Boleyn, convicted in legal proceedings that would embarrass even a Texan, was resurrected by the Pontiff. The event occurred between the beatification of John Henry Cardinal Newman and the Pope’s arrest and transfer to The Hague. The Pope is currently facing charges for crimes against humanity, including the serial rape of thousands of children, as well as one episode of urinating in public. The pope, using a decidedly pagan defense, is claiming “nature called.” As for the other charges, the Pope stated he is only continuing Bush’s No Child’s Behind Left policy. The joke resulted in a class action lawsuit from Christopher Hitchens, who claims the joke was originally his.