Al-Qaeda: Mission Accomplished

Mick Zano

After this last eight years, it is time to assess our Global War on Terror.  Reflecting on events, the first thing that sprung to mind is Mission Accomplished.  Unfortunately, this is not in reference to the efforts of the United States of America.  In 2001 Osama Bin Laden voiced his main objectives—loud and clear for those listening—or at least that’s what they told me at that Afghani ‘training camp.’

Bin Laden knew that he could not take on the world’s superpower directly or militarily, but, if he could pull off something big, maybe he could trick the U.S. into a pattern of reckless and ultimately self-destructive decisions.  He wanted the U.S., as he put it way back when, to become “a shadow of itself.”  (There is currently a green line under itself on my view screen, so Bin Laden is apparently without the aid of grammar check. I am sending this information along to the CIA post haste.)  Anyway, stripping down the Bill of Rights, bypassing the Constitution, replacing our freedom with fear, and invading the wrong country because we couldn’t find the real perpetrators of 9/11 is, well, exactly what Al-Qaeda had in mind.  Bin Laden said, “Yeah, uh, Iraq is the global front on terrorism (snicker, snicker), oh, and invest everything in AIG (snicker, snicker).  Our nation’s treasure is depleted and our claim of world ‘super power’ is greatly diminished.  As a nation, we have not only screwed the pooch, but we’ve wandered into a kennel on Viagra totting a bucket of KY.

The Taliban is resurging in Afghanistan and every NIE report since 9/11 claims that Al-Qaeda is alive, well, and is even strengthening.  Why didn’t Obama mention that in the debates?  Doesn’t he know, or has he reasoned—and probably rightly so—that the truth is no longer relevant in our society?  Just look good, keep a level head, and take one from the Republican play book; if you repeat something often enough, it must be true.  On that note: Jessica Alba secretly loves me. Jessica Alba secretly loves me. Please pass this message on to ten of your closest friends. By this logic, I will have the Andre chilling and the Motel 7 light on for you (sorry, Jessica, I couldn’t afford motel 8).

My colleague, Pokey McDooris, is most alarmed by our society’s liberal pluralist, who, functioning at a higher level of consciousness should have the insight to start acting like adults and clean up this mess.  Whereas I agree with this, I am more stunned with the bubble of non-reality surrounding the base of the Republican Party. It’s public record why Al-Qaeda attacked the US, yet Rudy Giuliani, ‘America’s Mayor’—the man with that gleam in his eye on 9/11—never bothered to find out why these zealots were angry or what they hoped to accomplish with such acts of terrorism.  If you want to do service to the people who died in your city, Mr. Giuliani, read something other than librettos.  When Ron Paul pointed out the reality of why Bin Laden attacked us, ‘the base’ jeered him. The base meanwhile cheered Giuliani’s continued ignorance of the subject.  Let’s make something very clear—because that is what this faction of our society demands—understanding does not mean appeasement.  Learning something about our enemies is not a weakness, and, yes, actually winning the war of ideas and, ultimately, the War on Terror is going to take shrewder minds than the likes of Rush W. Hannity.

The disturbing fact remains that the base of the Republican Party can not adjust or correct course under any and all circumstances.  Although, in Pokey and Oscar’s defense, I have seen a similar reaction on the left (i.e., questioning Obama = racism). The closing of the American Mind under Rove’s direction seems almost complete. The Republican Party, however, has brought the concept of denial to levels unrealized since Pee Wee Herman’s dream of a new unsupervised playhouse.  Now, the catastrophic decisions by Bush and co. are swept away by the success of ‘the surge,’ which equates to a billion dollar a week pause button in the endless clusterfuck that is the Iraq War.

After pointing out Bush’s abysmal approval rating to someone the other day, this was her answer, “Why do we have such polls?  It makes us look stupid in the eyes of the world.”

So, let me get this straight; it’s not the policies and the fact that we really have acted like a developmentally disabled super power lately, it’s the polls—you know, the democracy part of our democracy—that’s the problem?  Yes, this person is a member of the ‘Republican Base.’  I sure can’t think of any better way to stand for democracy than by dismantling it outright.  We shouldn’t really question our leaders when we’re in an endless war against an abstract ideology.  We should systematically dismantle our checks and balance, trust ‘them’ to do the right thing, and just bend over (why can’t I find dates like that?).  We should all walk in goose-step fashion toward a bigger and better version of freedom—a version that oddly lacks, well, freedom.

Freedom and patriotism are being redefined by the fascists at FOX News.  Who are they to call me anti-American for being a little more perceptive on most subjects?  Our recent actions are precisely what Bin Laden had in mind.  He is, after all, far shrewder than his main adversary—of course, so is his camel.

These days I don’t think it’s his priority to hit us again.  Why should Al Qaeda bother?  As long as we continue to feed the global jihad with Abu Graib moments, keep Gitmo’s tainted torture open, and continue to destroy our economy and the rule of law, I think we’re safe.  Joe Biden said he believes that Obama will be tested in the first six months of office.  Maybe he meant that Obama is a threat because he symbolizes an American resurgence.  Until he’s in office we are safe—from everything except ourselves.

In summary, here is where the neo-cons have brought us:  “America doesn’t apologize to anyone. Ah, sorry Mr. Hu Jintao.  No, we can’t make our minimum balance this month.  Yes, Yes, Mr. Hu Jintao, I have Paulson on it.  Please, can you at least wave our annual fee?  Yes, the check is in the mail, Mr.Hu Jintao.  Yes, Yes, very good, Mr. President.  Of course, sir, I won’t forget the bucket of KY.”

If left in charge the neo-cons would never change tactics on this War on Terror.  They would dismantle this country piece by piece until there was nothing left.  But, since I think Sarah Palin has a great set of knockers, I backed McCain Palin in 08’, or at least the knocker portion of the ticket.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.