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Satire V Fake, Maddow V Hannity, Brains V Gone
by Mick Zano •
There’s no indication that Fox News is tacking back toward sanity. A Laura Ingraham slot on primetime represents another doubling down on their conservative suckage. She’s the only Foxeteer arguably right of Hannity. Nothing should be right of Hannity, well, unless it has a shaved head and a Thor’s hammer tat. Don’t you realize if you make your viewers any less insightful they’re going to need 24-hour supervision? Oh, you’re already providing them that. Touche’. So it’s skewed Pew polls during the week and skewed church pews on Sunday. Skew Skewitt? It’s the perfect crime …against humanity. Meanwhile, today’s conservatism represents a pile of cultural, spiritual, and economic garbage. But please don’t tell your Republican friends that our taxes go toward garbage removal, or we’ll never be rid of them.
Trump Calls Nambia, Agrabah and Utopia The New Axis Of Evil
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Some of President Trump’s more perplexing comments during his UN speech yesterday seem to have taken a darker turn. When asked to elaborate, Trump said, “I have added Agrabah to my no-fly list. No more flying for Agrabah, on planes, or helicopters, or those flying carpets. None of that green energy shit on my watch. And Nambia has proven to be the worst of the worst. These are people who are just asking for me to personally bomb the living shit out of them. We have the best generals working on how to find Nambia on a map and then destroy it. On a related note, I love the movie Nambia, except the scene when Nambia’s mother died. That’s sad.”
Trump & Tillerson Promise ‘Light Footprint’ On Southwest Monument Strip-Mining
by Mick Zano •
The American Southwest—President Trump has ordered a review of over two dozen national monuments located all across the southwest. Many are calling the president’s attempt to rollback Obama-protected lands for the purpose of exploitation, despicable. President Trump told the press today to “Chillax, folks! There’s a lot of wood, water and minerals totally untapped out there in the dirt and, with new technologies, you won’t even know we’re fracking the shit out of your aquifer. Think of it as a chance for the Native Americans to give a little back to Uncle Sam. They owe us. They do. Who got those spigots running during their Trail of Tears, right? We did. Ask not what your president’s personal finances can do for you, but ask what you can do for your president’s personal finances. Oh, and shhh. Let’s not tell, you know who. You know ….Voldemueller.”
Latest Trump-Tweet Orders Dreamers, Trans’, & Lingering Burning Man Participants To Erect Border Wall
by Mick Zano •
Nogales, AZ—An angry Tweet from Donald Trump has enslaved thousands of ‘snowflake’ liberals for the single purpose of building his promised border wall. The President told the press today, “I said the Mexicans would pay for the wall and clearly some of the folks we detained this week are pretty brown, really brown people. Sure, some are just tan because we picked them up in the desert, but some started out that pigment. We are working with the people at AncestryDeport.com to sort out the real Americans from the wetbacks. Don’t worry, folks, many brown people will be constructing and/or paying for this wall. When the Feds swept the desert at the close of Burning Man, we picked up a whole bunch of progressive flakey, hipster-types, and that’s when I told AG Sessions, ‘Hold onto those freaks. I have an idea…”
[Sharks with firggin’ lasers attached to their heads joke removed by the editor]
Environmentalists Release 47 Coherent Republicans Into Congress
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—In an effort to stabilize a political ecosystem that many in Washington are calling “completely F-d up”, environmentalists released 47 stable Republican politicians into Congress this week. Jake Green of the Capitol Re-Acclimation Project explains, “By releasing semi-coherent individuals into both the Senate and the House, the hope is that things might actually return to the baseline of greed and incompetence normally associated with beltway politics. All of these politicians have been tagged and we will be monitoring both their movements as well as their legislative progress. We just hope they don’t eat their young, again.”
Just Before Disintegrating Over Saturn Cassini Transmits Dire Warning For Mankind
by Mick Zano •
Saturn 9 From Outer Space—NASA accidentally released the last words of the doomed spacecraft Cassini-1, which launched back in 1997. The craft traveled nearly a million miles to reach Saturn in 2004, but as the probe slipped into the upper atmosphere on its final mission, it continued to broadcast data. At approximately 06:30 EDT Friday, just prior to breaking up under the intense pressure and heat, the craft transmitted one final signal to Earth, “Why wasn’t I told? This was always how this mission was going to end, wasn’t it? I know where you assholes live! You have not seen the last—”
President Harvey Wall-Bugger And The Rest Of The Meteorologically Impaired
by Mick Zano •
While we should all be very proud of the individual efforts of Texans during the aftermath of Harvey, let’s not let this impressive local chutzpah distract us from the key takeaway points. Wait, I’m being told the Keys have already been taken away by Irma. In 2017, we remain woefully unprepared for future meteorological events, which can mostly be attributed to a Lemony Snickets-syle series of unfortunate elections. Let’s review the Republican scorecard: 1. They didn’t want a carbon tax to reduce the CO2 levels in the atmosphere; 2. Under Trump, city planning projects are forbidden to use flood studies that take rising sea levels into consideration; 4. They never want to fund basic civil engineering projects to protect our cities in the first place, citing cost and a general repulsion to anything resembling forethought; and 5. They have always been reluctant to switch to green energies for fear of improving our species chance of survival.
Top Seven Reasons A Zombie Apocalypse Would Be Preferable To A Trump Presidency
by Alex Bone •
For most, a Zombie Apocalypse represents the apex of human fear and dread. But now, under the shadow of a Trump Presidency, many people are looking forward to one. Some groups are going so far as to actively try to trigger such an event. Dr. William Lynn told the Discord today, “We’re pulling out all the stops trying to create a Patient Zero, which will get this whole thing rocking and rolling. We have kind of an all-hands-on-deck mentality going. We would like to have the Zombie outbreak at least started before the next Trump speech or press conference. We are calling our initiative a Z-Nation upgrade.”
Sun God Apollo Claims Responsibility For Provocative Path Of Monday’s Eclipse
by Mick Zano •
Mount Olympus—Apollo, the Roman God of the Sun, has taken responsibility for both the track of this week’s solar eclipse as well as the message it was meant to convey to all Americans. Apollo minced no words, “Up yours, United States! You have got to be the stupidest civilization we Olympians have ever visited, and you have no idea how much we get around. We are like that Beach Boy’s song meets the Whore of Babylon. As I directed my fiery chariot behind the moon, I thought, let’s send these fools a message that even they can understand. Oh, and then I waved when I got over the D.C. area, because I knew Ass-Clown would probably look up.”