Sun God Apollo Claims Responsibility For Provocative Path Of Monday’s Eclipse

Mount Olympus—Apollo, the Roman God of the Sun, has taken responsibility for both the track of this week’s solar eclipse as well as the message it was meant to convey to all Americans. Apollo minced no words, “Up yours, United States! You have got to be the stupidest civilization we Olympians have ever visited, and you have no idea how much we get around. We are like that Beach Boy’s song meets the Whore of Babylon. As I directed my fiery chariot behind the moon, I thought, let’s send these fools a message that even they can understand. Oh, and then I waved when I got over the D.C. area, because I knew Ass-Clown would probably look up.”

Both Republicans and Democrats alike have condemned the Roman God’s actions and statements, further angering the deity. “I’m not the only one who’s got my toga in a bunch,” explained Apollo. “Jupiter is planning more lighting assassinations, Neptune has more giant waves in store, and even Mercury is suing FTD Florists for their controversial depiction of him.”

Mercury later told the Discord, “Flowers? Really? It’s a little gay and, frankly, that was more in line with the Greek gods, who were essentially the same people with different names and sexual preferences.”

Mercury’s statements have since angered the God of Political Correctness. At this time, the God of Litigation has yet to weigh-in on the matter.

*Hat tip, Marcus!

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