Washington, DC—The Grand Old Party is struggling with its own identity as they may well lose the 2012 election, despite a toxic economy not seen since their guy. They really haven’t been able to narrow down the field to that one candidate who will best bring about the rapture.

“We lost Trump, Beck, and Palin,” said radio talk show personality, Rush Limbaugh, “anyone of whom is unstable enough to meet our needs. Then came Perry, because we thought, hmmm, only a swaggering Texan could pick up where W left off.”

To the horror of the GOP, Republican candidates are imploding right and righter.

“It’s not so much their gross lack of understanding of foreign and domestic policy,” said Fox News’ Sean Hannity. “That’s part of the GOP’s charm, but they’re clearly underachieving in the ever-important ‘I-would-like-to-have-a-beer-with-you’ likability scale.”

“They’re just not BBQ friendly,” said Limbaugh. “Perry would lose track of the conversation and then probably vomit on you. Cain would immediately start to demean and grope all of your women folk and Michele Bachmann, hell, if her anti-psychotics dip below the therapeutic dosage, she’ll be grilling your pets!”

“We despise Ron Paul for being way too correct about stuff years ago,” added Hannity, “and Newt Gingrich only scores well on the ‘I-would-like-to-dump-a-beer-on-your-head’ dickishness scale. So it looks like we’re forced to go with the flip-flopping, magic underwear-wearing moderate.”

Washington, DC—President Barak Obama plans to level with the American people by admitting the economy is irreparably damaged. He will be turning his presidency over to Joe Biden, just as soon as our VP’s foot can be surgically removed from his mouth.

“I really screwed the political pooch on the domestic front,” said Obama, after he claimed to have even tried hiring a disreputable debt consolidation firm to help with the deficit. “But even cash advance places are turning us down,” said Obama. “We almost had a part time job doing some light dusting for Germany, but, as it turns out, we’re illegals there.”

When asked about jobs created by the Stimulus Program, Obama said, “I did ask the Count von Count from Sesame Street to tally those job creation numbers, so the totals may have been Muppetplied a bit. Regardless, this jobless, hopelessly-broken-economy shit is really starting to negatively impact my golf game. Hope has left the building and, should Obamacare fail, I’m planning on giving Obama Daddy Daycare a whirl. It worked for Eddie Murphy.”

Oklahoma City, OK—Authorities fear the 5.6 magnitude earthquake that rocked Oklahoma this week has yet to claim all of its victims. Time is running out for an estimated 17-million corn kernels still buried under an area of fallen corn stalks rescue workers estimate to be “the size of Corn-necticut.”

Many believe we are facing a “creamed corn scenario of unprecedented proportions.”

Oklahoma City officials are thankful their state is flat or the resulting pyroclastic flows of high fructose corn lava could have consumed entire towns.

“But luckily we don’t have many of those either,” said Mayor Cobb Huskins. “But make no mistake, we’ve been cornholed for sure.”

Some locals are taking advantage of the quake through looting, “It’s a cornucopia out there,” said one stalker. “The real thing is just so much better than internet corn.”

The Green Giant and Little Sprout were unavailable for comment.

Wolfeboro, NH—Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney warns of the stark realities of conviction change. He told the Daily Discord earlier today “‘Global conforming’ is most likely influenced by the voting activities of man. I understand how the sea levels, I mean deceive levels are clearly rising across the Tea Planet as the world grows increasingly warmer, I mean fodder,” said Romney.

“Endless 24-hour news cycles impact the hot air emanating from my mouth,” explained Romney. “A host of contradictory atmospheric conditions near and around the neococoon can greatly impact my views on any given topic at any given time.”

Romney told reasonable Americans, in Pig Latin, how he has every intention of changing many of his positions back to sane ones, “Just as soon as I win the Republican nomination, I will make sense again,” said Romney. “But until then I am forced to drink from the Cup of Stupid.”

Many are concerned, this very real ‘global conforming’ phenomenon could continue to impact his actual stance on abortion, global warming, immigration, healthcare, and the need for tax revenues to reduce deficits over the weeks and months ahead.

“Look, I need to say I believe a whole host of ridiculous things to get the Republican nomination,” said Romney. “Have you seen my base? They are further out there than that Branson guy’s new space station. Oh, but can you translate that into Pig Latin before posting?  Thanks.”

In related news, the Foxeteers claim to be close to breaking the Pig Latin code.

Taos, NM—Creationists and other fundamental Christian types are getting the last laugh today as the Archeological Institute of America has announced the Earth’s fossil record is one colossal hoax.  Last week a discrete serial number was found on the femur of an Iguanodon that supposedly existed in the late Cretaceous period.  The ‘so called’ monster is currently housed at New York’s Museum of Natural History.   Similar numbers are now being discovered on all of the bones of every species before 6000 years ago.  This hoax spreads to all fossils in museums and personal collections throughout the globe.

“Once we knew where to look, we found them everywhere,” said Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Creamery.  “A great many people spent their lifetime painstakingly unearthing such specimens.  It’s an outrage!”

On a good note there is some cause to celebrate.  This is proof a more Biblical view of geological time is accurate and that Darwin remains history’s biggest glue-sniffing monkey-humper to date.

“Evolution is dead,” said Phillip Johnson, evolution denier and closet cross dresser.  “It was obvious to us creationists. How can you not look around the world today and think ‘these people are evolving?’ It’s preposterous.”

Johnson went on to site Snookie, Snoop Dogg, and Snoopy the Dog. 

“This may have been more than one hoaxter,” said Dr. Hogbein.  “This was possibly a massive undertaking coordinated by a large group of very silly people. Obviously a race with an outrageous amount of free time on their hands as well.  How they buried some specimens in solid rock all over the planet is amazing.”

For their accomplishment they deserve our praise as well as our scorn.