Washington, DC—President Barak Obama plans to level with the American people by admitting the economy is irreparably damaged. He will be turning his presidency over to Joe Biden, just as soon as our VP’s foot can be surgically removed from his mouth.

“I really screwed the political pooch on the domestic front,” said Obama, after he claimed to have even tried hiring a disreputable debt consolidation firm to help with the deficit. “But even cash advance places are turning us down,” said Obama. “We almost had a part time job doing some light dusting for Germany, but, as it turns out, we’re illegals there.”

When asked about jobs created by the Stimulus Program, Obama said, “I did ask the Count von Count from Sesame Street to tally those job creation numbers, so the totals may have been Muppetplied a bit. Regardless, this jobless, hopelessly-broken-economy shit is really starting to negatively impact my golf game. Hope has left the building and, should Obamacare fail, I’m planning on giving Obama Daddy Daycare a whirl. It worked for Eddie Murphy.”