The Patio, AZ—The sun beat down between the clouds in Flagstaff as Bone asked the team, “So what are we going to do now that our cameraman is leaving? We did the video thing, but what’s next? I was thinking maybe we could raise alligators and tattoo Discord logos onto them.”
Coming soon to a blog-post near you! …uh, but soon is a relative term.
Palmyra, SY—The radical group calling itself the Islamic State, or ISIS, has laid siege and captured the ancient Syrian city of Palmyra. President Obama immediately enlisted the aid of a man known to many as the “Indiana Jones of lost archeology.” It is hoped Jones can save some of the oldest beers ever brewed.
Greetings! My name is Mark Zuckerberg, chairman and CEO of Facebook, Inc. You may have noticed that your account has been blocked and you cannot log in. Don’t panic! The solution is quite simple. Recently, we here at Facebook decided that all accounts need to bear the full legal name of the user, not a pseudonym or nickname. I’m sure at this point you’re probably thinking: What? I’ve been a loyal Facebook user for nearly a decade under the name all my friends know me by, why is this important now?
Arlington, VA—President Obama created quite the shit-storm today after a speech that many are calling “really bad.” Obama never mentioned the military during his 34 minute speech, but he did mention himself 23 times and Obamacare 12 times. This omission of anything relevant to those lost in battle is being considered a snub by military personnel and their families.
Obama looked almost jovial as he said, “Let’s not forget those who made the ultimate sacrifice, their paychecks, so that I could personally—or at least indirectly through government programs—support them for their braveness throughout their lifespans.”
Brent Bozell is both a Fox News Contributor and the head of the Media Research Center. Last year, against my better judgment, I joined his merry little band of memes. His website helps the politically insane keep up with all the horrible atrocities liberals are perpetrating on good, decent Americans. You know like smoking pot, drinking beer, and graduating colleges, often simultaneously. Multi-flasking?