Palm Beach, Fla—As Special Counsel Robert Mueller is ramping up his activities in an effort to conclude his Russia investigation, President Trump is responding in kind. The president was seen pushing a cart full of pardons in a Sam’s Club in Palm Beach, only several miles from his Mar-a-Lago resort. Many Republicans, including the vice president, are supportive of Trump’s actions, and call the move “a necessary endeavor to protect real Americans from some fake FBI agents.”
Las Vegas, NV—Special Counsel Robert Mueller, known for his resolute professionalism, has leaked a controversial statement before the release of his much-anticipated report on Russian interference into the 2016 election. In an off-strip Vegas Irish pub called McMullen’s, the Special Counsel allegedly downed a dozen or more beers and then told a regular: “I’m sick of investigating this ass-clown of a president.” Mueller also told the same bar patron, “If any of Trump’s people had half a brain I could pin collusion on the lot of them, but it’s kind of like watching those guys from Jackass trying to build a time machine.”
Palm Beach, FL—President Donald Trump has responded to recent criticism of his less than stellar performance at last week’s G-7 summit by announcing plans to hold his own “much better G-7”. The event will take place at his Palm Beach resort at Mar-a-Lago on September 11th. The president has already extended invitations to six other hand-picked individuals, who are ready to share America’s new goals, values, and the best chocolate cake in the world!
Last November the US elected its first pathological Liar-in-Chief, and this is when we finally get to look under the g-men hood and kick the tires? During normal times I’d be cheering loudly and waving my I Still Believe, Sanjaya! ascot. But these are not normal American Idol times, and the ascots only come in lavender. Thus far the 21st century rightwing conspiracies have proven to be distractions, but will the FBI counter counter-investigation prove different? There are only two conspiracy theories that hold any merit: Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone in the death of John F. Kennedy, and Plankton was not the only culprit in Spongebob’s Great Krabby Patty Caper (season 7, ep.17). Mr. Oswald publically stated “I’m a patsy” and was then gunned down within 48-hours. The Feds certainly know more on this matter than meets the FB-eye. Also, Larry the Lobster yelled he was “A patty” before being boiled alive during a Krabby Patty interrogation by BBPD. This episode, Butter You Than Me, never aired thanks to the efforts of Gina Haspel and Mike Pompeo. Fine, that’s a bit of a tangent, but so is this rightwing counter counter intelligence investigation that thus far seems counter to intelligence.
Superior, AZ—So this is my new thing, at least for the next month or so, I’m heading out into Arizona’s desert badlands on the days you’re least likely to run into other humans. Some people think you should only explore the desert in the winter. Forget such ideas. One should experience an area’s true nature. You don’t become one with the Saguaros hiking through them in January. This would be like trying to discover Mardi Gras in New Orleans in September. Also, with Phoenix now being the fifth largest city in the US, if one wants a little desert solitaire, you need to avoid the spilling of the masses into the wilds by dodging the weekends. I want to be the only non-local around, Non-local = El Loco.
Big Island, HI—As thousands of residents flee their homes on Hawaii’s Big Island, state officials are moving to legal action. Hawaii has filed a class action lawsuit against the suspected culprit, Pele, the Goddess of Fire from their mythological pantheon. Many believe she is behind the recent array of unwarranted magma and earthquakes. Hawaii Civil Defense has come to a different conclusion. They report giant boulders being tossed around, massive ash plumes, toxic gases and dangerous lava flows that may have originated from a badly monitored luau.
Tweet Tower—With the news that Rudy Giuliani’s own lawyer has placed a retainer for his own lawyer, essentially Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer now has a lawyer. We’re not really sure. The Discord has posed the question to both Sir Richard Dawkins and that Asian guy with the white wavy hair, but to no avail. Our own mathematical guru, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, agreed to take a stab at it: “This answer lies somewhere in the realm of polyattorneyal theoretical mathematics, and if this need derived from the Stormy Daniels’ situation, it would also be considered a sexponential number, like 69.”
Middle-Jersey—Rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a feckless tweet #yada yada. Meanwhile, in a Starbucks in Glen Ridge, New Jersey, the last of the ‘Resistance’ gathered and agreed to schlep the One Subpoena to the very shadow of Trump Tower. Yeah, good luck with that with bridge and tunnel traffic!
Philadelphia, PA–The Daily Discord has uncovered a diabolical plot to alter the Constitution. There is mounting evidence that suggests that Skynet has just sent a Terminator back in time to the Constitutional Convention of 1787 for the purpose of ending the Electoral College. Some politicians are welcoming the move. Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) said, “Whatever the Founding Father’s initial intensions were, in the 21st century the Electoral College has helped elect Dubya and The Donald. In my opinion this proves the provision is irreparably broken. Ending the Electoral College through any normal constitutional means seems next impossible in the current political climate, so I commend and support the quick thinking of Skynet and their evil cyborg affiliates in this matter.”
Greybull, WY—Actor and spokesperson Wilford Brimley reported that his mustache was taken from his home, and his face, on the morning of April 24th. Mr. Brimley informed Big Horn County Police that his mustache was last seen the evening of the 23rd, somewhere between his nose and his mouth. Brimley told reporters, “John Bolton’s mustache does look a lot like mine, even more so since yesterday. Now I’m not saying that that’s my mustache, but I’m not saying that that’s not my mustache.”