Does Trump’s Traumatized Muppet Childhood Explain His PBS Vendetta? “Why Did Henson Make Me With Such Little Hands?!”

Sesame Street—A clear picture of President Donald Trump’s hatred for PBS, Sesame Street and for the Muppets in general is emerging. Prior to the 2005 appearance of the character Donald Grump on Sesame Street, evidence suggests President Trump was affiliated with PBS and may even be a Henson creation himself. Press Secretary Sean Spicer has requested that SNL parody this bit, so that he can gain some insight into how he might address such an absurd allegation.

This week WikiLeaks has Trump-dumped a previously unreleased interview of The Donald from 1989. During the interview the president said, “Look at Beaker! His hands are ginormous! I used to have to work with that douche. We were working on a bit back in the day with that cute hippy-chick Muppet, and I looked at my hands and then Beaker’s. Then I looked over to Henson and said, WTF? Actually that acronym didn’t exist yet, so I just said “what the fuck?” And Henson just walks out, like it’s no big deal. Why did he make me with small hands and no brains? I want to bury him in Muppet Cemetery. And when he comes crawling back to me, I want to say, I am your president and you’re fired! I also want him to know how we now say WTF.”

Later in the interview, Trump said, “I think Beaker got my hands and if I ever become president I’m going to use my little hands to sign an executive order to put Beaker’s hands back where they belong.”

Beaker, who is active with the Muppets Resist movement, has since released the statement, “From my cold big hands…”

In related news: the link to LGBT information on the White House website has since been replaced with a study suggesting hand size is no way correlated to penis length.

 

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