Critics are claiming this Discord exclusive is a Croc.
Mick Zano
Mick Zano
Hundreds Of Republican Superdelegates Beach Themselves Ahead Of RNC Convention
by Mick Zano •
Baja, MX—For reasons yet to be determined a massive school of Republican superdelegates beached themselves along the Baja coast earlier today. Some theorize the burden of backing Donald Trump at the Republican National Convention was simply too much for many to bear. Today’s events throw doubt as to the relative health and competence of the Grand Old Party and it raises existential questions, such as: if you tack too far right will you eventually come to water? Theories about the deaths range from a Trump suicide pact to a synchronized swimming event gone horribly wrong.
Confused Extremist Group Makes Death Threats in Wake Of Louisville’s Draw Muhammad Ali Day
by Mick Zano •
Sanders Hires Therapist To Treat Worsening Campaign Addiction
by Mick Zano •
The Sanders Campaign realizes they’re mathematically toast, but Bernie is insisting his zombie campaign continues to stagger aimlessly around the country in search of more young brains. Sanders told reporters today, “Remember those walkers from the Walking Dead? This is nothing like that. It’s a terrible analogy.” Some of Bernie’s closest advisors are admitting he really enjoys getting 27 dollars from people all over the country, so he can travel around with his wife on what he is calling a “second rallymoon”. Senator Sanders told the Discord today, “What I think we need to do is this: I will end the campaign today, if the American people promise to keep sending me more money anyway. That is a good compromise. Unlimited continued funding would be a future I can believe in.”
Trump Negotiates “Better Trade Deal” With Agrabah
by Mick Zano •
Agrabah—In a move that some are calling premature, Donald Trump is already Tweeting other world leaders in an effort to make America Tweet Again. Mr. Trump told the press today, “Lately I have been Tweeting a lot in the middle of the night, but not all of it is just Rosie O’Donnell and Hillary Clinton jokes. It’s not. Sure that’s most of it, but I am also negotiating big deals, right now, with some major players across the Twitterverse.” #BigAgrabahOilDeal
The True Disparity In Our False Equivalency
by Mick Zano •
A prime example of a false equivalency appeared in my last article, which made me realize I haven’t done justice to this subject, or any other subject for that matter. False equivalencies are a prevalent tactic for the GOP. It’s the cognitive distortion of choice for a group who keeps trying to make the argument that they still have an argument. Today’s obvious example is Trump V Hillary. “Say what you want about Trump, but that Hillary is just as bad!” On what fucking planet? Benghazi Colony IV? They really believe they’re equally incompetent/evil. In reality one would preside over a third Obama-like recovery and the other would bomb Canada. Get to the escape pods! The Benghazi Colonies are under attack from the Decepto-neocons!
Michael Jackson’s Doctor Admits To Prescribing Fentanyl To Prince From Jail
by Mick Zano •
Dr. Conrad Murray is back in the news today after authorities claim the controversial doctor had been prescribing several opioids to Prince shortly before his death. One of the drugs, fentanyl, is even stronger than the opioid that killed his former client, Michael Jackson. Dr. Murray told the Discord today, “First off, call me the guy formerly known as doctor. Get it? Anyway, I didn’t mean any harm. I still had a few pages on my script pad, so I told Prince, ‘As long as it’s not propofol. That shit got me into a lot of trouble last time.’ Oh, and I also warned him against taking this medication and then partying like it’s 1999.”
Dr. Heimlich Admits To “Choking” During Patented “Manuever”
by Mick Zano •
Shady Acres Retirement Home—Dr. Henry Heimlich was in the news earlier this week after saving a fellow retirement home tenant from choking. More details of the incident are emerging that throw the famous anti-choke artist into a decidedly different light. According to witnesses, before Mr. Heimlich was able to eject the goods, a Lemony Snicket-like series of unfortunate events ensued.
“I knew what to do,” argues Dr. Heimlich, “But, look, I haven’t taken a life saving training since the Reagan Administration. I practiced one time on Johnny Carson back in the day. Sure his opening monologue wasn’t great that night, but he wasn’t exactly choking either.”
Dr. Heimlich is denying allegations he was hoping for such an event by paying kitchen staff on the side to serve unboned fish and extra-grisly meat.
The GOP 3-Step: Create Terror, Lose Wars, Win Elections
by Mick Zano •
What do we know about Republican foreign policy? About as much as they do, nadda, nichts, zilch. We do know they want to bomb everything that moves. On that note, my friend Keith is screwed. When polled, nearly a third of our rightwing citizenry want to bomb Agrabah (a fictional Disney city). True story …not about Aladdin, the poll. We must convince the Sultans of Swing to magic-carpet-bomb the animated menace! Say what you will, but there’s probably a better argument to invade Agrabah then there was for Iraq. After all, Agrabah does pose a clear threat to greater Ishtar. If we invade anywhere, it needs to be Mulan. That little bitch is becoming a real problem. But I doubt Trump could even find Mulan, On Demand.
ISIS Claims Responsibility For Trump Campaign
by Mick Zano •
Syria—The head of the self-proclaimed Islamic State, Abdul Mohammed-Edlestein, is claiming responsibility for Donald Trump. ISIS worked diligently to infilitrate the Donald’s personality and promised a “really great deal”, if he agreed to work for them as a double agent. “We promised him cars and girls,” said Mohammed-Edelestein. “The usual. We did this using a series of suggestive Tweets. Join ISIS, Donald! #carsNgirls #DesertHotties4U. We promise different things depending on the region of the world, but for Americans we always get them on the old cars-and-girls routine. You see, some Republicans are fighting for us and the rest are recruiting for us. It’s win win! The cars are actually U.S. military and the girls are just us wearing hijabs (ha, ha!). We like dressing like girls, but don’t tell our creator.”