Caliphates and Terror and Russian Bears, Oh My!

Mick Zano

Lately I’ve been getting complaints about the length of my posts, which is better than the usual “stop blogging, asshole!” comments to which I have grown so accustomed. In the interest of compromise I came up with a short topic. Let’s discuss those scant events our conservative friends have predicted accurately in the 21st century. It’s pathetic vs. prophetic today, here in the spooflands.

There are two Republican predictions in the 21st century that deserve a closer look: Romney and Palin’s “Putin will invade the Ukraine” thing and Glenn Beck’s “Caliphate” thing. Thing 1 and Thing 2? Am I missing any? Republicans have a much longer list, but let’s relegate their usual delusions to the last paragraph, which the web designer promises to make scratch-n-sniff. But first some rare Republican Kudos! …not to be confused with the granola bar or the dog from that Stephen King movie. Hound of the Basketcases? Sorry, I couldn’t work in a King joke…oh wait, The Dud Zone? Creeps Show? Putz Semetary? I’m being told to stop.

Romney & Palin predicted Putin’s invasion of Ukraine on the premise that Obama is such a weak President that he would allow such a thing to happen. Let’s forget for a moment how the GOP-types like to announce to our enemies: A Dems charge and they’re weak! They won’t challenge you! You should invade, right now! …and they do this all in the name of patriotism. Freedumb?

I chalk this prediction up to the It-takes-one-to-know-one phenomenon and I also nominate it for the It’s-About-Friggn’-Time Award. But I don’t want to diminish their exceedingly rare good guess—uh, yes I do. Only someone sniffing glue would attempt this little annexation exercise. Vlad the Inhaler?

Since Putin’s “bold and strategic moves” the Russian economy has all but collapsed. Their ‘junk’ bonds have been knocked back to the Stone Age. The Barney Ruble? Republicans would say this is about falling oil prices, but the Kremlin itself attributes their woes to the combination of lower oil prices and sanctions, here. But what do the Russians know about their own economic situation? Only Fox knows the truth… in lie form. There’s also mounting evidence this sudden drop in crude prices was a planned Saudi/U.S. strategy here. Obama usually gets what he wants without breaking a fingernail, let alone an economy. I know this is news to people who don’t follow actual news.

Chess: you’re doing it wrong
Chess: you’re doing it wrong

A former British Ambassador to Russia agrees with my old assessment:

“Stop blogging, asshole!”

Okay, his other assessment:

“The premise that Russia has become more assertive is correct. Is this due to weakness or strength? Weakness, probably. There are growing problems with the economy, large internal problems and tensions.”

—Sir Andrew Wood, courtesy of The Guardian

Moving forward all bets are off, because Putin is as crazy as they are and we are now dealing with a wounded bear.

[Ursa Major Asshole joke removed by the editor.]

Is it any surprise that Republicans will praise a crazed warmonger bent on destroying the global economy? No, in fact, it mimics their own voting records. What do Putin and Netanyahu have in common?

“We both scrub floors. We’re both swell lookers. And neither one of us is Chinese.”

—Ma Kelly

For good measure, let’s look at the similarities between Dick Cheney, Putin and Netanyahu:

1. Their ideologies are not all that different. Even Putin shares a similar foreign policy with our Republican friends as well as a far right cultural conservatism that borders on the Full Santorum.

2. Despite all reason they remain role models for our own GOP.

3. History will judge them rather harshly, as they have all undoubtedly weakened their respective countries.

Right wing nuts never fair particularly well (See: World History) and, yet, here we goon again. Annexing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of Sean Hannity. Sorry, the cough syrup’s kicking in.

An assessment of Netanyahu’s long term negative impacts here and Putin’s pending demise here and Cheney’s—uh, if you need a link to that you’re barking up the wrong blog. Israel just voted in their own resident nut job, yet again, and it seems the far right in Europe is cozying up to Putin as well, here. A Caliphate isn’t likely but a Coulterphate?

Why would anyone admire someone like Putin? I’m talking to you, Giuliani, Mister I was only wandering the streets after 9/11 because I was dumb enough to put my command center in Tower 2? Yeah, that guy. I don’t know why the far right has such penis-envy for such a bunch of—

[Dick Cheney and Dick Nixon joke removed by the editor].

Hell, there’s a rise of radical Republicans all over the planet! That’s what I keep blogging about. It’s not just Muslims tracking right, although I admit they’ve shifted from Pat Robertson to the Full Jim Jones (FJJ). Actually they’ve always been that way, but then we decided to arm and train them. Oh, and good thinking, God, putting the oil under all the crazy people in the first place.  

[Texas joke omitted by the editor.]

Whereas it’s true I did not predict this Ukraine thing, I did accurately predict the results. Anyone living in the 21st century could have predicted this—well, by simply thinking outside of the Fox.

 Uh oh, I’m way over word count again.  So much for a short post. And I didn’t even get to everything! I guess it’s retraction time. Hey, at least I still do those. Yes, you’ll find more integrity from a spoof news blogger these days, which is another sure sign of our demise.  But more to come on Mr. Beck and the Emperor’s New Caliphate.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.