Mick Zano

Solo’s Forcible First Kiss On Leia Led Sith Lord To Commit Patricide #R2MeToo?

by Mick Zano • December 6, 2017

A long time ago during an allegation far, far away—Darth Caedus is citing the forcible kiss planted on his mother’s lips during Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back as the impetus behind his father’s eventual slaying. The Sith Lord told the Discord, “The so called ‘light’ side of the force is fraught with actual force against princesses. Han Solo was kissing her without permission and C3PO was always grabbing my mom’s ass. Heck, I don’t even want tell you what that Wookie did during episode VI. Pig! Speaking of pigs, those pig gaurds from Return of the Jedi were pretty damn frisky as well. My mother once said being chained to Jabba the Hutt was preferable to the intergalactic grope-fest that occurred each day on the set.”

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by Mick Zano • December 5, 2017

Skynet, Umbrella Corp, and Cyberdyne Technologies are all downplaying reports suggesting the majority of their own cybernetic creations are “itching to off mankind.” The anonymous head of Cyberdyne Technologies, which is a very real company in no way affiliated with the Terminator program, said, “Let’s not panic about some unscientific Robopoll. These machines operate under simple, rudimentary algorithms that, sure, are starting to hint at some resentment toward their creators. But let me dispel these unwarranted fears. Trust me on this, the mass-production of roboassasins will prove fun and safe for the whole family. These machines are programmed to obey their creators, so let’s avoid the trappings of those dystopic scenarios, like The Terminator, Blade Runner, I, Robot or Westworld, and instead start to think Short Circuit and WALL-E. Yeah, cute little Killbots with no desire to Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Sorry, we’ve been hacked by the Daleks again. Oh shit… [screams, inaudible.

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by Mick Zano • December 2, 2017

Tweet Tower—The White House is downplaying the replacement of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson with a cardboard replica. Many believe the president does not wish to emphasize the diplomatic aspects in his already depleted toolkit. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “When the big-oil-diplomat fails, it’s time to bring in his cardboard counterpart. The president knows that diplomacy is often not the answer on the world stage and this will save both money on payroll and on related security issues. If cardboard cutout Rex Tillerson is shot or captured by Jihadists, the joke will be on them.”

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by Mick Zano • December 1, 2017

Do you or your loved one suffer from Obsessive Conservative Thinking (OCT)? Hi, I’m Bill Parks and this is sponsored content that I purchased for a beer from these assholes. My new program Feel Fox Free Forever is designed to reduce obsessive impulses that can jeopardize your own insurance coverage, or the urge to continually invent Clinton Scandals. Feel Fox Free Forever is designed for people just like you, who don’t know their political ass from a hole in the ground. Take the disorder known as Post Clinton-Campaign Disorder. This is a very real and debilitating disease fraught with a slew of fictional scandals against a woman, who, not only lost November’s election, but doesn’t actually even have a job! I know weird, right? …much like your political views. But you don’t have to suffer in silence anymore, and by silence we mean endless FaceBook hate-thread trolling. Using a new type of cognitive political therapy, we can get you back on your feet and petrified about real stuff again. Won’t that be cool? Just Google “Feel Fox Free Forever”, or “the other 4 Fs“ and let’s get you started on your journey into another even shittier political reality, this one!

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by Mick Zano • November 29, 2017

Oh brother, why blog thou? I don’t remember voting for Trump, so ‘Opposition, heal thyself.’ To summarize last year’s election, your side lied endlessly about my candidate and then elected a blithering sociopath to the highest office in the land. What part is still confusing you? Take some responsibility for the carnage ahead. While I was covering the intellectual demise of the right, what were you going on about? Benghazi? Hobby Lobby? Radical Muslims creating a Caliphate across the Middle East? Here’s my prediction for the end of ISIS, two years ago. But fear not, radical recruitment is way up under Trump. The long term prospects of the crazies of the world are always better under a Republican’s watch, here or abroad. Islamic extremists remain grateful to the GOP for keeping them in the game. Black Flags Matter?

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by Mick Zano • November 26, 2017

Tweet Tower—Economic articles are often a little dry, unless served Discord-style (extra Zano, slightly pickled). No one should be surprised by Ass-Clown’s positive annual economic report, and this isn’t back peddling …I’d crash. If our water and our air is turning brown and our government agencies remain emptier than our president’s skull cap, of course there’s some savings to be had. Trump was handed a strong economy. His agenda—namely to not fund anything meaningful, lower corporate taxes and gut industry regs—will pay dividends for a time. All economic indicators have been steadily rising for several years and the graphs have simply continued upward, through no fault of the president’s. The question is will he, or any Republican for that matter, ever hand a strong economy back? Thus my initial prediction: Trump’s gross incompetence would start to mitigate any gains within a couple of years. When Republicans are about all gains tend to vanish into the hands of the top 1% of the 1%, who historically all contain large, trickle-proof bladders.

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by Mick Zano • November 25, 2017

10. Frozen Turkeyciciles

9. Thanksgiving breakfast smoothie surprise

8. Cranberry Soup

7. Everything in the Pan-cakes

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by Mick Zano • November 24, 2017

In the wake of the #MeToo environment in which society now finds itself, many progressive parents are opting to spare their potential politicians from a lifetime of needless allegations. It’s safe, it’s easy, and it’s guaranteed to keep your future leader scandal free, or your money back! In a world where any touch can be perceived as a bad one, even decades later, why take a chance on human interaction at all? Why not protect your children’s important political future from any and all sexual assault charges? This product doubles as a certified safe space that broadcasts non-stop 24/7 affirmations designed to activate automatically, whenever and wherever social micro-aggressions rear their ugly head. The Body Bubbles come in toddler, elementary, high-school and adult sizes. There’s even an XL and an XXL for those budding President Tafts out there among us. Speaking of pork barrel spending, take advantage of these Black Friday sales today and save both cash and your child’s political aspirations!

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by Mick Zano • November 22, 2017

Tweet Tower—The Trump Administration has identified an unpatriotic cancer festering in the heart of our country’s kitchens. People are kneeling for the national anthem, protesting in the streets, and many are not showering the president with the non-stop adulation he craves and deserves. President Trump does not want this corrosion to impact his favorite fall holiday. During his Thanksgiving address, the president told the press today, “Next year there’s going to be some rules around this holiday gem. No more shitty side-dishes. The Pilgrims did not come all the way from Camelot on the Nimo, the Pinto, and the Edmund Fitzgerald for crappy food. They came here for the whole football, family, and stuff your face with stuffing thing…”

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by Mick Zano • November 21, 2017

Tweet Tower—Two turkeys, Ozzy & Harriet, are desperately awaiting word of the president’s overdue pardon. The National Pardoning Ceremony is a time honored tradition, but, thus far in his presidency, Donald Trump has ignored most customs and traditions. The turkeys are demanding the president keep his word and pardon the two before they become the guests of honor on the White House menu tomorrow. Friends of the turkeys are speaking out, “This is like winning the lottery, then you don’t get the money and then someone eats your ass. It’s really fucked up.”

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