Funny Thing, but Breaking Something Called the Justice Department Might Have Consequences for, er…Justice

Mick Zano

Have you heard the Black Panther voter intimidation scandal yet?  The Justice Department’s actions are shocking!  It seems they are especially shocking for Republicans who helped dismantle the Justice Department, brick by brick, in the first place.  None of you were outraged to find Bush had replaced 150 positions in the government—including several  key jobs in the Justice Dept from some Pat Robertson 4th tier regent college—but you’re mad about this shit?  Are you kidding me? Have you ever seen the 700 Club?  I would bow to the zombie god of Karl Marx before I would ever watch an episode of that shit. 

And where exactly was your outrage under the steadfast leadership of Alberto (on good days I can spell my own name) Gonzales?   Oh, that’s right.  You are only outraged by mostly fictional events as choreographed by Fox News.  When things are actually happening you’re asleep at the switch.  Well, at least you’re consistent.  You see, I’m always trying to put things into perspective for the terminally wrong.   Sadly, perspective is something I’m convinced a certain forty-percent of our country will never have.  I’m only saying this because every place I go in AZ people repeat the nonsense espoused on Fox News as if it were the gospel.

I really don’t have a clue what’s going on for this Black Panther scandal.  That’s usually the case.  This scandal may be real or it may be Memorex (wow, I’m showing my age). Let’s say there really is something besides hot air to this voter intimidation story. The Crank has a very compelling argument for why this is a grand conspiracy (totally verbal, not in post form yet, and NO, that wasn’t a real interview with the Zanpire in that last post. Geesh.  Give me some credit). 

Fox News usually does have a compelling argument, until you research it.  Obviously something stupid was happening at a certain PA polling station in 2008 by a person I have concluded is, in fact, an asshole.  Is the Justice Dept ignoring something due to lack of interest?  Or is this some deep-seeded reverse racist tale of woe and deceit?  Well, Fox has been crying wolf for so long now, I don’t know what to think. Most of their outrage is tailored to their less than stellar audience and their facts are usually trumped-up or bald faced lies.  So how are any of us to know anything these days?  AKA, when some real presidency-ending  scandal emerges (PESE), who’s going to believe it? The “lame stream media” really isn’t covering the negative Obama stories with near as much vigor as Fox News, and Fox is 50% bullshit.  So, with a Dem in power, we are totally relying on morons for our news (which apparently only bothers me). 

We may actually be on the same side on this scandal, but I’m just not that interested in the developmentally disabled version.  Their reporting sucks and their conclusions are generally wrong.  This has been my clarion call all along.  It’s precisely why Republicans need to clean their own house first.  I started getting on Keith Olbermann day three of the Obama administration.  I would get on him more if reality started resonating with the other side.  But why try to fix the sink when the kitchen is on fire? Thus far attacking the Dems (dumb) will only net us Republican representatives (dumber).  You’re not exactly incentivizing me here.

For some historical context, the Justice Dept was bought and sold under Bush.  It was completely politicized and damaged beyond recognition to the point where even John Ashcroft thought they were nuts (Hint: he was about as stable at the Wyrd Sisters on Crystal Meth).   So is it possible that Obama bent this already defunct department to do his own bidding?  Sure, but please let someone with credibility cover the story.

How did we reach this terrible journalistic morass?  Here’s the recap kids: Walter Cronkite was a great journalist way back when.   And then Dan Rather and his ilk really started wearing their philosophy on their shirt sleeve, which inadvertently opened the doors for Fox News to come in and save us from reason. They tried to balance the “so called” liberal media with 24 news cycles of completely skewed nonsense.  I say, “so called,” because back then they actually covered the news (aka, it was hard to tell they were liberal). 

Fox sank the media to a level not ever seen before (not since 1930s Germany anyway).  In the last few years, MSNBC is sinking to Fox’s level. They feel justified in this descent as they are trying to be a counterweight to Fox’s rightwingedness (that’s a real word Microsoft word grammar check people).  MSNBC hasn’t reached Fox’s level, not by any stretch, but they do tend to ignore stories that don’t jive with their ideology.  End result, we have slipped into a media abyss.  Now Jon Stewart is the most trusted name in news.  Doesn’t that say something?   Everyone has chosen sides, so no one is fact checking things anymore and, as I have said a thousand times, if the only one “looking out for you” is Bill O’Reilly, jump off a bridge already.  Who’s the unbiased authority in the media nowadays?  Except Mick Zano, of course, truly a god among men.

You don’t have to look any further than the Daily Discord to see what’s happening.  Someone has to balance the Pernicks and the Cranks of the world, so I find myself covering the same stomping ground with the not-so-dynamic duo.  So I now fell victim to one of the world’s greatest blunders (what movie?). 

It was AWESOME to see Art Fenski’s recent post Breaking with the tea party and all things Lipton.   Here’s a guy who decided I will only reach a certain level of libertarianism and refused to take that last step toward the bonkers brigade on the right.  Know hope. 

Back to the, er…scandal.  Not sure what this scandal is exactly.  It may be something huge, and it may be more bullshit.  In the immortal words of that Tootsie Pop owl, “the world may never know.” (man, I’m showing my age again). But the last twenty Fox scandals didn’t amount to much.  Actually Bush scandals tend to get worse over time and the right’s scandals, as embellished on Fox News, tend to go all Acorn on us.  The investigations that actually matter don’t seem to occur anymore, on both sides, which should bother us all. 

I’m going to put reality into perspective one more time for the Gipper (someday this argument is going to resonate with someone):

  1. Bombing wrong country (OK)
  2. Overturning the Bill of Rights (whatever)
  3. Death squads, torture, and secret prisons (well, that’s for the bad guys)
  4. Black asshole at polling station back in 2008 (ahhhhhhhhhhh! AHHHHHHHHHHhhhh!   AHHHHHhhHHhhHhhHhhHHhHh!)

You may be asking, how did you turn another story into a Bush bashing extravaganza, Zano?  Well, it’s an innate talent.  But really, I can’t find the truth anymore and that’s actually been the real story of our time and I seem to be the only one covering it.   You can’t find the truth anywhere.  You can certainly find facts to justify your position, any position.  And the people most sure of the truth these days  are typically the most wrong.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so. 

The problem is, anything that jives with your own ideology, left or right, gets a free pass from the sniff test.  We’ve all lost anything resembling objectivity.  Most of what we see on TV is lies.  Except America’s Home Videos. Many of those clips are real.  Who would willingly get hit in the nuts that hard?  OK, some of those bits are contrived, but it’s a better truth-to-lies ratio than cable news. 

Look at the Acorn scandal: that organization is now closed and I never really cared either way, but remember that undercover videotape that took them down?  It seems all of it was complete and utter bullshit.  The video was refuted by Rachel Maddow on MSNBC, point for point, in a well thought out manner.  Now, I am smart enough not to believe everything as seen on MSNBC and I’m also smart enough not to believe about anything on Fox News.  So how are we supposed to have a revolution with no facts? Most of you should be picking up your guns, but not many of you have figured out why, exactly.  That’s a tad problematic.  The Tea Party should consider this before their next Facebook meeting.  Of course, they won’t because they’ve already made up their mind.   That’s not a typo…”their mind” is one with a certain cable news network.  It’s like a retarded Borg or something. 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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