Spoof News

Satire at its finest.

First Ever Black Hole Photograph Raises Some Hair Raising Questions

The Universe—The recent picture of a black hole, the first of its kind, has many scratching their heads today. Is there a connection between time/space and the Trump/race continuum? Is this truly an image of a black hole, or a White Nationalist Dwarf? Whereas some theorize this is proof the universe is deplorable, others suggest it’s evidence the universe is hollow & graphic in nature. Science has been grappling with these two related cosmic questions for decades: what is the true nature of both the universe and the president’s hair-dome? At least one scientist believes the two areas of inquiry can be connected in one Grand Polarized Theory, or what he is privately calling the Bigly Bang Theory.

Pence Vows U.S Will Return To Hollywood Set Of Original Moon Landing Shoot

Tweet Tower—In what many are calling a major gaffe, Vice President Mike Pence has all but confirmed that the original moon landing in 1969 never actually happened. Pence announced that NASA would return to the set of the original moon landing, which he said, “Occurred in a back lot of Paramount Studios, just east of the commissary.” The Vice President went on to say, “This mission is exciting because it’s in line with our own budget projections for research & development, aka we don’t have one so we can just use petty cash.”

Post Mega-Merger Disney Announces New Fox Themed Rollercoaster: Bullshit Mountain

Anaheim, CA—The Walt Disney Company has merged with 20th Century Fox, finally laying to rest the debate as to whether or not Fox News is a Mickey Mouse organization. Yes, Rupert Murdoch, a previous hold out on the deal, is agreeable to join the fun provided he can keep making the ghost of Joseph Goebbles proud of his ‘news’ channel. Disney now owns most cartoons, superheroes, super villains, cartoon superheroes, Jedis, and super-villain Jedis—not to mention, Troy McClure, who you may know from such films as *cough* all of them. If you listen really closely you can hear Universal Studios taking a dump, which hopefully they can work into their own amusement park ride someday soon. Does this represent a giant Disney upgrade? Does a bear shit in the woods? Apparently not if it’s animated, CGI, blue screen, green screen or Chroma key, as all of those FX techniques now come with copyright infringements and steep fines.

Calling A Muellerigan? Barr To Release Special Counsel Report In April But Won’t Specify Year

In a legal loophole wrapped in a statutorial technicality, Attorney General William Barr is only compelled to name the month he intends to release the full Mueller Report, not the year. The year will remain redacted until *cough*, the year. This wouldn’t surprise me as he’s probably already in some reputational hot water after his recent summary, non-summary snap judgment, aka, an obvious effort to exonerate a sitting ass-clown. When I first heard about William It’s-not-illegal-if-a-president-does-it Barr, aka the Iran-Contra coverup guy, I immediately returned to the gangster analogy. He’s the ‘cleaner’, the guy the mob calls in to bleach the crime scene and burn all the evidence. I called Mueller honorable, but does this corporate lawyer’s lawyer deserve the same treatment? If key parts of this document remain hidden from view for “reputational reasons”, not ongoing investigational ones, we still have a problem. So a guy who believes presidents can’t commit crimes, who auditioned for Trump by defending his decision to fire Comey, has exonerated Trump of any and all crimes? Talk about stacking the deck, oh wait, Trump can’t open a casino on the Las Vegas strip either. Hmmm. We need to know who is making these decisions in redaction-land or: Who Watches the Redactmen?

Mueller Report Released In Its Entirety! But It’s Still Either Redacted Or In Klingon

Flagstaff, AZ—The Daily Discord has received a copy of the full Mueller Report from an unreal source. Unfortunately the original document is still mostly redacted. Attorney General William Barr explained how Mueller used large black blocks to actually type stuff into his report. “Intelligence agencies often use a Fed font, or Arial MIBlack,” said Barr. “It’s not uncommon to start with permanent redactions, which can save a lot of embarrassment later. You can also whiz through stuff when you’re in a hurry. I think Mueller actually started this thing last Monday.” The Discord released the full text, so we are asking our 11 fans to please check their spam folders. The report raises many questions, such as: why are the only non-redacted parts in Klingon? How can the only released English words, ‘beer pong’ possibly relate to Mueller’s original mandate? Do Klingons even play beer pong? Conclusions have fallen into two distinctly different camps. Whereas the Republicans remain convinced the leaked document fully vindicates the president, Democrats believe it opens a new line of inquiry into possible collusion between the Trump Administration and Q’ONOS, the Klingon home-world.

Famed Producer Christof Admits Trump Campaign Really Truman Show Sequel

Seahaven—Today the famed television mega-producer, Christof, of The Truman Show fame, admitted that the last three years of Donald Trump’s life have been the next of his epic reality TV series. In an interview with The Daily Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, Christof stated, “My last foray involved keeping an individual, Truman Burbank, isolated in a bubble and making him believe that the environment around him was reality. This time I have taken an inside-out approach to that premise. We’ve targeted an individual from reality TV and created a fake reality out of him. The Truman Show started with the birth of the protagonist. This time I didn’t think that the back-story would be that compelling, although there is a niche market for those fascinated by the causes of sociopathic behavior. Maybe I’ll create a spin-off. Anyway, I didn’t have that kind of time to cultivate the requisite fame required to create the setting.”

Hannibal Lecter Claims Tito’s Handmade Vodka “Not Made From Real Hands”

Earth’s Crust—Evil genius Hannibal Lecter is suing Tito’s, a popular Austin-based vodka company and makers of Tito’s Handmade Vodka. The 78-year-old convict is coordinating the lawsuit from his maximum security prison deep within the Earth’s crust. After testing a sample of the product at an undisclosed location, the known cannibal found no human DNA whatsoever in the liquor. This prompted the master criminal to initiate legal action against the company for false advertisement. Lecter told the Discord, “I couldn’t find any sign of human remains, hands or otherwise, in this product. It’s corn-based, not a hand-based, which is not going to sit well with me, literally. Furthermore, if I wanted a screwdriver it would only be to bury in the neck of one of the guards.”

During President’s Absence ‘The Brothers Dim’ Redecorate The Oval Office

Tweet Tower—Eric Trump and Don Junior wanted to surprise their father this week so, as the president approved the spring dessert menu at Camp Donald, the Brothers Dim set to work ‘improving’ their father’s office. The Secret Service allegedly participated in the effort and pictures of everyone using the water-bong prompted Vladimir Putin to call the Oval Office to warn the boys that if they didn’t start acting their age he’d forward the photos to the president.