Tweet Tower—Did anyone else get that Presidential Alert on your cellphone? I’ve gotten Amber Alerts when kids go missing, and Silver Alerts when the chronologically-challenged wander into the woods, but what the hell is an Orange Alert? Can we block our president from texting me? I blocked FEMA and Homeland Insecurity, but WTF? The actual message from our president was even more disturbing: This is just a text, had this been an actual social media emergency you would have been instructed to ‘like’ or ‘retweet’ the president’s latest psycobabble on twitter #RetweetEmergency. I’m actually not kidding about the Presidential Alert part, so what is this administration preparing for? Oh right, they don’t prepare for stuff. My bad.
Yakima, WA—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lounge, announced the unearthing of the oldest known remains of a pumpkin spice latte under the Terrace Heights Landfill in Yakima, Washington. The remains were excavated at the early Itunes level and carbon-dated to 2003 PB (Post Beyoncé). Dr. Hogbein said, “The original Starbucks recipe was tested in Vancouver, which, geographically speaking, is close enough to suggest we might be looking at a cup from the original batch, or pumpkotype.”
Washington—Judge Brett Kavanaugh was sworn into the U.S. Supreme Court today by a narrow 50-48 Senate vote. Kavanaugh becomes the country’s 114th Supreme Court justice, but only the 2nd known sex offender to sit on the highest court in the land. President Trump now has two successful supreme court appointments. Las Vegas had +115 odds for Kavanaugh’s confirmation. He therefore had about the same odds as the likelihood of a Trump impeachment during his first term. Oh, and Vegas is tallying the odds right now for a potential Gorsuch #MeToo moment. Put me down for a Jackson! Mr. Winslow, can you spot me a twenty?
Springfield—Local news station KPRC of Springfield reports being “really done with the whole Kavanaugh thing.” In lieu of the ongoing and continuous coverage of the arduous Supreme Court nomination process, the Channel 2 news team has opted to spread some Christmas cheer a little early. The CEO of KPRC said, “No one wants to hear another word about Brett Kavanaugh’s past, but everyone loves Christmas. So I was like, just cut to that holiday fireplace thingie.”
Oslo, NO—The Nobel Committee’s announcement of two joint winners in physics this year triggered a huge explosion in Oslo today. The ‘winners’, a man from the U.S. and a woman from Canada, are still missing at this hour and presumed quantumly entangled. The explosion frightened many across a huge swath of the region. Along with some seismic aftershocks the event caused Maxwell’s Demon to shave Schrodinger’s Cat with Ockham’s Razor. “We really had our Bell Theorem rung today,” said Nobel Committee head Lars Slartibartfast. “We never should have thrown a woman into the mix; that’s always a volatile situation. Yeah, we blew some shit up. Live and learn. Next prize goes to a couple of immunologists, so I would take a step out of sneeze droplet-particle range if I were you.”
Have you ever been Cruzed or even Huckabeed when trying to enjoy a meal downtown? Do you have a Bush or Trump bumper sticker displayed prominently on your vehicle? Are you a known congressman or senator from The Grand Old Party? Do you put signs on your lawn with a distinctly conservative slant? Do you have a certain red hat in your closet? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, why suffer from public shaming and outright abuse? You too can crawl back into Hannity’s America and still enjoy menu items from hundreds of participating restaurants near you. Why not download our free food-delivery app, FoxTrots, and never have to face a disgruntled liberal snowflake ever again. It’s that easy! Let’s make America eat again.
Tweet Tower—President Trump announced the discovery of a very suspicious tin can with a string attached to it in the White House. The can, which the president believes is some type of listening device, was found on his desk in the Oval Office. Perhaps even more disturbing, a string connected to the can disappears into a nearby wall. Those closest to the president believe this incident has only stoked his paranoia. Many in the White House theorize there’s another cup at the end of that string, a cup that many believe rests at the very heart of the deep state.
By September of 2018, Trump’s even more frantic and reckless as his allies are falling one by one to Mueller, or were fired, or fled of their own volition. The Republicans may well be sacrificing their party on the long term for their loyalty to this dangerous clown. Trump will likely destroy the GOP as more young people register to vote and join the resistance. Yet despite his ongoing attempts to destroy the country, the environment, and his political party, it looks like Trump would rather go down in flames than grab a golden tower parachute.
Washington—The curator of the National Archives notified The White House today that the 25th Constitutional Amendment has been removed from the museum. Today the amendments go from the 24th directly to the 26th. According to the curator of the National Archives, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gastropub, the document was wiped from the records and the amendment itself, signed by the 89th Congress in 1967, is missing. Dr. Hogbein said, “The document disappeared sometime over the weekend, and all references to the amendment itself were removed from the Library of Congress via a search/replace Word feature. The document must have been smuggled out, so someone please check Sandy Berger’s pants.” The missing 25th Amendment allows for a sitting president to be impeached if deemed an “ass-clown”. Many are calling the timing of this incident ‘suspicious’.
San Jaun, PR—The liberal fascist group known as ANTIFA is claiming responsibility for the vast majority of deaths contributed to Maria, a category four hurricane that struck President Trump’s twitter feed last September. In an effort to inflate the number of deaths, which stands at nearly 3,000, an ANTIFA sleeper cell woke up and started unhooking old people’s oxygen and raiding the last of their supplies. The head of ANTIFA’s operation in Puerto Rico, who is also named Antifa, said, “If they had some soup left, we ate the soup. If they were taking meds, we sold the meds. During the clean up we even dragged some of the trees back onto the roadways. Oh, and, when we were tallying those killed by the storm, we counted by 12s. It got hard eventually, because 12s are hard to count by. We estimate that the storm itself was only responsible for a couple of dozen deaths, aka two, but we were able to inflate that number in a big way through some good old fashioned liberal nastiness.”