San Francisco, CA—If you enter an establishment with a certain red hat or other Trump-Related-Insensitive-Paraphernalia (aka, Bad TRIPs), you may not be able to order everything from the menu. Fear not brave populists, many restaurant owners are starting to store a few gay wedding cakes in the back, which they will gladly sell to their rightwing patrons at an inflated price. These cake toppings are often a little racy, with either bent over grooms or icing dildos for the ladies, but they are tasty. A 29% kitchen-to-table tariff will also be included in your bill and saliva can and might be added for no extra charge. It’s not that Republicans are not welcome in liberal districts anymore, they just have to order a la shart.
Tweet Tower—Several hundred children remain missing at this hour since the DOJ’s controversial border policy went into effect in May that separates children from those individuals attempting to cross into the U.S. illegally. Reuniting the children with their families since Trump’s recent policy reversal has proven difficult, however, as record keeping is “no longer a thing” in the Age of Trump. The White House has announced a proposed plan promising those detained at the border will receive a voucher allowing them to be reunited with the same number of children that they arrived with. The U.S. Customs and Border Agency will explain to each parent that the child may well be their own, but it is statistically unlikely.
Tweet Tower—Abandoning all hope of a Congress-related solution, President Trump has signed an executive order today that creates the Brown Baby Research & Conservation Agency. In lieu of separating children from their families and locking them in cages after a suspected illegal border crossing, the Trump Administration has a better solution. This new government agency stationed along the US-Mexico border will humanely tag unaccompanied minors with a GPS geolocator and then release them back into the desert. Many claim this policy is not helpful and is evidence of the president doubling-down on his “Zero Tolerance” policy, or what Trump himself is calling Operation Dos Zero.
For my birthday this year—which usually involves someone buying me a beer, in May—I am asking for donations to The Daily Discord.com. Or at least enough money to fund a Donation Button, which involves thirty minutes of WordPress time that I’m not, as yet, willing to donate. It’s like a button that sends me cash so I can keep making fun of Republicans in a timely manner. I know in 2018 it’s pretty low hanging fruit, but I do it each week with a certain liberal pizazz. Oh, and I had to change my birthday on FB to make this joke happen and now Zuckerdick isn’t letting me change it back! Fascist Book? Maybe fighting the man should be a separate donation button, or something… Anyway, please send all proceeds to my PayPal account that I haven’t bothered to set up yet. I really should have thought this through better.
Las Vegas, NV—Special Counsel Robert Mueller, known for his resolute professionalism, has leaked a controversial statement before the release of his much-anticipated report on Russian interference into the 2016 election. In an off-strip Vegas Irish pub called McMullen’s, the Special Counsel allegedly downed a dozen or more beers and then told a regular: “I’m sick of investigating this ass-clown of a president.” Mueller also told the same bar patron, “If any of Trump’s people had half a brain I could pin collusion on the lot of them, but it’s kind of like watching those guys from Jackass trying to build a time machine.”
There Zano goes again, ranting about everything except the evidence. He never challenges a fact, context, or inference that I’ve made on any subject. Zano characterizes my perspective as another “fictional scandal” since Republican investigations never (not once ever) find anything of relevance. Of course, Zano’s definition of relevance precludes facts that counter his position. Zano changes the subject to Bush’s illegal War, and then, presenting no evidence, he accuse Trump of “rampant”, not merely ordinary run of the mill authoritarianism. Then Zano goes on to praise my timeline as proving his own point, if he actually has any.
Palm Beach, FL—President Donald Trump has responded to recent criticism of his less than stellar performance at last week’s G-7 summit by announcing plans to hold his own “much better G-7”. The event will take place at his Palm Beach resort at Mar-a-Lago on September 11th. The president has already extended invitations to six other hand-picked individuals, who are ready to share America’s new goals, values, and the best chocolate cake in the world!
Quebec, CDN—President Trump apparently arrived much later to the G-7 summit than was originally reported. In fact, the U.S. representative did not attend the traditional world leader photo shoot. Instead a cardboard cutout was propped between Germany’s Angela Merkel and Canada’s Justin Trudeau at the last minute. When asked why none of the leaders leaked this information to the press, they all had a variation of the same response: “We greatly preferred the company of the cardboard cutout.” Justin Trudeau was particular incensed with the President of the United State’s behavior at the summit and wished the cardboard substitute could have “stayed the whole time.” Trudeau went on to say, “If he acts like that again, we will take certain measures. And I’m warning Mr. Trump that Canadian ‘time outs’ take place in the Yukon and involve being chained to a polar bear.”
A long time ago, in a box office far, far away—Hailed as an American space western, Solo: A Star Wars Story follows the exploits of character Han Solo and his Wookie companion, Chewbacca. This time LucasFilm went with director Ron Howard, best known for playing Opie in the popular 60s situation comedy, The Andy Griffith Show. The film was named after the one person who went to see this space dud since it’s opening last week. Many are calling this a huge victory for the empire, who really don’t like how they are portrayed in most of the films.
Tweet Tower—President Trump met with the surviving members of the rock band, The Eagles, today in the Oval Office. When asked about the meeting with the Super Bowl champion, Philadelphia Eagles, the president made it sound as if this was the plan all along. “I said I wanted to meet with the Eagles and there was some confusion from a staffer who I since fired, but I think it’s good now,” said President Trump. “I love Hotel California and Sweet Home Alabama. These guys are my favorite band—next to Ed Zeppelin. I love me some Ed. Hey, can we get Ed next time?”