Cedar Rapids, IA—Earlier today, Iowian native Betty Flood was ‘accidentally’ the recipient of 1.5 million doses of the Pfizer COVID vaccination. While some are calling this injecticide “politically motivated,” others believe this was an attempt by the Biden Administration to appear COVID-competent as they grapple with the logistics of this massive nationwide rollout. An eyewitness claims Mrs. Flood became concerned something was wrong during her five thousandth and twenty-first injection, at which time she was reminded by staff that she was “doing a great thing for America.” One nurse even said not to worry, because “the first million shots were covered under Obamacare.” Shortly before opting out of her health plan and then her life, she told the charge nurse, “Sorry to be a bother, but I was really holding out for Moderna.”

Yeah, I got nothing, that last punchline took everything I had today. Oh, and I had to drive all the way to Iowa for this bullshit. FU, Winslow! You need to start paying me for this shit! I am so jumping ship and joining News Fail! They never have go to Iowa! Never!

*Retraction, I am being told News Fail is based in Iowa.