Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Clinton Admits the Two Girls He Brought Back From His Oriental Envoy Are Not the Missing Journalists

Los Angeles, CA – The Ling and Lee families are now claiming that the two women former President Bill Clinton returned from North Korea are not their loved ones. Clinton was initially stunned by the allegations. 

“Laura Ling and Euna Lee are home safe and sound,” insisted Clinton.  “They were treated well by their North Korean captors, and they were both very grateful, to me personally, for their new found freedom.”

Clinton then repeated the words “very grateful” several times while giggling to himself.

When reporters asked why the Ling family is considering legal action over what they are describing as an “emotional rollercoaster,” Clinton stiffened. “Those ungrateful bastards!  I go through all the trouble of wooing those little…all right. I admit it. Mistakes may have been made.  I get a little overexcited when Hillary let’s me leave on a road trip un-chaperoned, if you know what I mean.”

Clinton faltered further as the press conference turned ugly.  He came up with several reasons, one more ridiculous than the next, as to why the misidentification was not his fault.

“After all,” said Clinton, “there was certainly a chance, albeit a slim one, that these women were Laura and Euna.”

At one point during the heated press conference, Clinton said, “I did not have sexual relations with those hookers.”

Mr. Clinton apologized to the Ling and Lee families in a heartfelt poetic speech.

He then asked, “If it’s not too much trouble, could you send the girls back over to my place.  Tell them it’s for their debriefing, but briefs are optional, if you follow.”

Obama Apologizes to Geico Cavemen for the Pleistocene Neanderthal Genocide (PNG)

Washington, DC – President Barak Obama spoke to a group of cavemen earlier today at a benefit luncheon at the luxurious Palomar Hotel.  His mission was to smooth over some growing tensions over his administration’s failure to address the Neanderthal extinction issue.  Obama said the accountability begins and ends with him.

“I apologize for not apologizing earlier,” said Obama.  “In retrospect, I clearly should have apologized for this when I had nothing better to do than apologize for things.  For this I am sincerely sorry.” Obama went on to say, “This apology is long overdue.  In fact, it’s about forty-five thousand years overdue.”

The President is just glad that the world’s oldest inhabitants can finally find some closure to this dark period of human prehistory.  Long ago Homo sapiens ousted their Neanderthal cousins, wiping them off the face of the Earth, in an act that Obama described as “rash, unjust, and inexcusable.”  Obama would like to blame America for the Neanderthal’s demise since it is “likely to piss off the patriotards.”  To end the press conference on a lighter note, Obama finished with a joke.

He apologized again for the heinous Pleistocene genocide against a thoughtful and peaceful race before adding, “Genocide may be tough, but my apology was so easy a caveman could do it.”

Obama’s attempt at jocularity sparked a violent riot amongst nearly all of the dining Geico Cavemen in attendance. The disturbance ended with twelve arrests and 47 injuries.  President Obama regrets that his remarks were poorly received and hopes to re-establish strong ties with his cavemen constituents before his return to giving a shit, which is projected to be some time in early 2011. 

Brewhaha: Obama Beer Summit Breaks Down to Brew Swayin’ Bust

CEO’s NOTE: Dammit, Mick reports that those bastards at The Onion have scooped us (although I haven’t actually read it….wait, I can’t even find it. What the hell are you talking about???) but I’m running it anyway…

Washington, DC – The infamous Beer Summit designed to help smooth over Obama’s recent comments about the arrest of Harvard Professor, Henry Gates, did nothing of the sort. Professor Gates set the negative tone for the evening by ordering a Black Label. Officer Crowley wasted no time countering with a Blue (police officer) Moon (dropping my pants, metaphorically, asshole). President Obama could have opted to take the high ground, but instead decided to order an Extra Special Bitter.

Crowley then asked, “Oh, I see you like bitter beers, Mr. President, you should try Rogue Dead Guy Ale.”

The President countered with, “It’s a shame there are no doughnut flavored beers for our men in blue.”

Crowley then asked, “Have you ever tried a Negro Pendejo?”

Gates, through gritted teeth, corrected him, “I think you mean, Negra Modelo.”

The conversation went south from there. This reporter seriously doubts whether Pete’s Prejudice Porter from White Supremacist Brewery is even a real beer.

To add citation to injury, following the event, Sergeant Crowley pulled the president and professor over on their way back to the professor’s hotel.

“I had probable cause,” stated Crowley. “I was invited into their crib where they proceeded to crack 40s right in front of me.”

When questioned as to whether this action constituted entrapment, Crowley responded “When you see two of ‘those types’ in a limo, it’s usually a king-pin, a rap-group, or a car-jacking. No matter how you slice it, it comes up felony.”

Allegedly, Obama’s cocaine and hookers bribe fell on deaf beers.

Police Seek Ghetto Shaman as Person of Interest in Jackson Case

Los Angeles, CA – The Los Angeles Police Department has uncovered evidence suggesting the Daily Discord’s own Ghetto Shaman was Jackson’s first spiritual advisor.  The picture, depicted above, was obtained through the combined efforts of LIFE Magazine and someone who knows Adobe Photoshop.  The Shaman allegedly continued to prescribe ‘herbal’ remedies to the pop legend, nonstop, since the early seventies.

“He’s definitely a person of interest,” stated detective Augustin Villanueva of the LAPD.  “Let me be clear, we’re not implying there was any foul play here, but simple import/export transactions were ongoing between the two.”

The police know that copious amounts of Big Jug Extra Malt Liquor, Banana Red Mad Dog, and dime baggies of something containing trace amounts of THC were regularly exchanged between the two.  A handwritten note from the Ghetto Shaman with directions on how to make hallucinogens from nutmeg and Ramen Noodles was also found at the Neverland Ranch, along with a pamphlet on something called Midget Reiki.  Against all odds, the Daily Discord was able to arrange an exclusive interview with the Ghetto Shaman, who remains in hiding.

“I was in constant communication with Dr. Conrad Murray (Jackson’s personal physician),” claims the Ghetto Shaman.  “I am innocent!”

He also wants authorities to know the two were coordinating their efforts to return Michael to the “real world.” The Ghetto Shaman insists that all of his techniques are designed to expand consciousness in a safe and effective way, using only a few household poisons.  Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord, would like to stand by his comrade during this difficult time period.

“Turn yourself in, freak,” said Winslow.  “You can still send us your weekly column from the pokey…By the way, where the hell is Pokey?  And where is this week’s post?  I need it every THURSDAY.  No postee, no payee, bitch.”

Lowell Observatory Discovers Really Hot Chick in Sedona

Flagstaff, AZ – The Lowell Observatory has discovered an impressive binary, D-cup, star system just thirty miles south of their Mars Hill location.  Business is booming since the observatory shifted her historic Clark telescope toward the sun bathing escapades of one Kristy Felldorfer of Sedona, AZ.

Professor Nicholas Steiger had this to say about the new events calendar:  “She usually flips on the hour, so her twin binary system is viewable at 1:00, 3:00, and 5:00 PM.”

This attraction is highlighted by a dual aureole effect, tantalizingly cresting at the poles.  On alternating hours, 12:00, 2:00, and 4:00 PM, the full moon appears over the southern horizon to the roar of some horny astronomy enthusiasts. 

Professor Steiger admits to playing more with his Polaris since the recent change in venue, but as Steiger put it, “Take my wife, Pleiades.”

Steiger then laughed at his own joke to the point of choking. 

One of the Observatory’s second year interns, Duane Rufus, had this to say: “Finally, a heavenly body worth tracking.”

Rufus is considering the implications of an even closer encounter with Ms. Feldorfer and is planning an away mission this fall.  The Observatory hopes to boost gift shop sales with color photo spreads of what astronomers have come to call the Kristy Felldorfer Experience.  Is this just the beginning for the Fantastic Voyeurs?  Professor Steiger’s latest empirical article Turn that Hubble, Putz, onto those Bubble Butts has met with mixed reviews. 

A CEO Update: Winslow Insists Michael Jackson Spoof Articles Should Taper Off by Mid-to-Late October

Philadelphia, PA – The Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, would like to reassure our readers that “there is an end to the Michael Jackson gags, I promise.”

Although, Mr. Winslow is grateful for the frenzy of recent activity and material related to the pop stars untimely demise, the Daily Discord is no longer accepting Michael Jackson related faux articles at this time.  Winslow reported to the press today that the articles in-stock should all be posted by mid-to-late October, barring anything unforeseen, or as Winslow put it: “a really funny one comes along that I just have to post.”

Mr. Winslow would like to apologize for many of the recent submissions, which he describes as “displaying considerably poor taste.”  Mr. Winslow would also like to apologize for the next several months of Michael Jackson related articles, which he describes as being “er,…displaying considerably poor taste.”

Russians Suggest Buttons for New World Currency

L’Aquila, IT – At the G8 summit on July 9th Russian President Dimity Medvedev unveiled his own vision of our new world currency.  He feels paper should be discontinued and our universal currency should be buttons from old clothing.  Buttons, according to Medvedev, would ensure an end to our global recession and would “symbolize the start of our global depression.”  The President believes we need to “stop fooling ourselves” and that we should start developing some realistic goals for our shared demise.  Medvedev also reportedly agrees with Mick Zano that bug ichor is an excellent source of protein.

Jackson’s Doctor Insists He Only Prescribed the Diprivan, Xanax, Valium, Percoset, Demerol, Oxys, and Vicodin: But I Told Michael to Lay Off the Big Jug Extra Malt Liquor

Los Angeles, CA – Dr. Conrad Murray is admittedly denying claims that his prescribing practices contributed to the pop legend’s recent death.

“This is America,” said Dr. Murray, “everyone is on downers.”

Dr. Murray believes that Americans have built up an incredibly high tolerance to benzodiazepines and pain pills.

“It’s in our water system for crying out loud.”

The doctor believes the old med regiments just weren’t making a dent in our neurotic noggins.

Dr. Murray went on to say that, “Higher doses make any beer consumption extra dangerous, or in Michael’s case Big Jug Extra dangerous.”

When the Discord’s own Bald Tony pointed out that Jackson’s BAC was zero and that the Big Jug Extra reference was merely a cheap Discord yuck-yuck from an earlier faux article, Dr. Murray refused to comment.  The doctor does hope that his stock in Astra Zeneca will not suffer for the incident and hopes the drug rep luncheon is still on for Tuesday.

Furthermore, Dr. Murray sends his condolences to the Jackson Four and added, “If you don’t sue, bitches, you can have my script pad.”

Top 10 Real Reasons Sarah Palin Resigned

  1. She is Having Mitt Romney’s Love Child
  2. Press About to Release Fact: She Really Can’t See Russia from There
  3. Busy Planning Hunt for Levi Johnston from Her Chopper
  4. Higher Calling Marijuana Related
  5. Needs Time to Finish GED
  6. Needs Time to Spell GED
  7. Lost in One of McCain’s Mansions
  8. New Business Venture Involves a Bridge for Sale in Brooklyn
  9. Tina Fey Threatening A Big Movie Deal
  10. Can’t Regroup After the Death of Billy Mays