Presidential Pet Pick Perturbs PETW

Pierce Winslow

It is common knowledge that President-Elect Barack Obama has promised his children that they may get a dog once they are settled into the Whitehouse. When questioned about the choice of breed, Obama simply stated that since his daughter was allergic to dogs it would have to be something hypoallergenic.

Obama’s statement triggered a backlash of criticism from the American College of Allergy.

“There is no such thing as a hypoallergenic dog,” stated Dr. Schnoz Sneezinweezin, an ACA spokesman. “The only such creature would be a dog that has no hair, saliva or urine. If you want a hypoallergenic dog you have to go to the grocery store.” This was an obvious reference to one of America’s favorite summertime delicacies, the hot dog.

This revelation triggered a great deal of interest as to where the Obama family would procure their not-so-potent pet. Nathan’s Famous, one of America’s leading purveyors of hot dogs, quickly jumped-in to volunteer one of their fine franks.

“It’s not often that a company such as ours has the opportunity to step in and provide what will certainly become a close member of the First Family,” stated Eric Gatoff, CEO of Nathan’s Famous.

This announcement prompted swift and outrageous reaction from PETW, People for the Ethical Treatment of Weiners.

“Approximately nine out of ten pets sold in American pet stores are bred in mills. Such institutions operate in deplorable conditions and we just hope that the American President will provide a good example to our country’s citizenry”, announced Ingrid Newkirk, President of PETW. “You should see the conditions under which these pets are ‘made'”.

The Daily Discord was able to procure this picture of the conditions under which Nathan’s hot dogs are prepared.

A look at the deplorable conditions in a Nathan’s hot dog mill. Note the castaway "unfit" dog in the trough.

Applegate Farms, a company founded on the premise of providing only the most wholesome and natural products was quick to usurp Nathan’s Famous’ position.

Seen here, the care free life of Applegate Farms’
free range organic hot dogs.
Note also the inclusion of the rare albino
hot dog in the hot dog games.

“Taste, truth and trust are our guiding principles. We promise that there is no mystery in our meat. All of our products are Certified Humane and qualify for USDA Organic certification as well,” claims Stephen McDonnell, founder of Applegate Farms.

The Daily Discord’s own Cokie McGrath did, in fact, tour one of Applegate’s facilities, as part of a larger investigation, and was able to document and verify old McDonnell’s claims. Here a dog, there a dog, everywhere a hot dog, all of them appearing to be happy and healthy.

Cokie’s research into the hot dog industry also uncovered a hereto unseen dark side. This underworld of sausage seediness went way beyond the generally available, mass produced hot dog. These pigs-without-a-blanket were training for combat. The Daily Discord has allegedly established alleged links between alleged gansta sta Snoop Doggy Dogg and an alleged massive underground hot dog fighting syndicate.

Seen here: pain sensitivy reduction and flavor induction treatment
Well, you decide what’s going on here

Obama’s choice in this case, with major implications on such a socially explosive issue, could have major consequences for his re-election bid in 2012. One choice would decisively separate Obama from Sarah “Gun ’em and Grind ’em” Palin, who will almost certainly be gunning to unseat Obama.

“Don’t be a pussy Obama,” stated Palin, “go for the grill.” Palin went on to tell reporters that Mr. Obama’s liberal position is an “ObamaNathan”.

The other choice, on the other hand, could put Mr. Obama on even ground with Palin on such tough “shootin’ at some food” issues. This is one reporter that can’t wait to see how this all falls out (of the helicopter).

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Pierce Winslow

Pierce Winslow is the Discord's Brain, Chief Engineer and C.E.O. He co-founded the Discord along with Mick Zano in 2008 and they have both been sorry ever since. 

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