Washington, DC – President Barak Obama spoke to a group of cavemen earlier today at a benefit luncheon at the luxurious Palomar Hotel. His mission was to smooth over some growing tensions over his administration’s failure to address the Neanderthal extinction issue. Obama said the accountability begins and ends with him.
“I apologize for not apologizing earlier,” said Obama. “In retrospect, I clearly should have apologized for this when I had nothing better to do than apologize for things. For this I am sincerely sorry.” Obama went on to say, “This apology is long overdue. In fact, it’s about forty-five thousand years overdue.”
The President is just glad that the world’s oldest inhabitants can finally find some closure to this dark period of human prehistory. Long ago Homo sapiens ousted their Neanderthal cousins, wiping them off the face of the Earth, in an act that Obama described as “rash, unjust, and inexcusable.” Obama would like to blame America for the Neanderthal’s demise since it is “likely to piss off the patriotards.” To end the press conference on a lighter note, Obama finished with a joke.
He apologized again for the heinous Pleistocene genocide against a thoughtful and peaceful race before adding, “Genocide may be tough, but my apology was so easy a caveman could do it.”
Obama’s attempt at jocularity sparked a violent riot amongst nearly all of the dining Geico Cavemen in attendance. The disturbance ended with twelve arrests and 47 injuries. President Obama regrets that his remarks were poorly received and hopes to re-establish strong ties with his cavemen constituents before his return to giving a shit, which is projected to be some time in early 2011.