Los Angeles, CA – The Los Angeles Police Department has uncovered evidence suggesting the Daily Discord’s own Ghetto Shaman was Jackson’s first spiritual advisor. The picture, depicted above, was obtained through the combined efforts of LIFE Magazine and someone who knows Adobe Photoshop. The Shaman allegedly continued to prescribe ‘herbal’ remedies to the pop legend, nonstop, since the early seventies.
“He’s definitely a person of interest,” stated detective Augustin Villanueva of the LAPD. “Let me be clear, we’re not implying there was any foul play here, but simple import/export transactions were ongoing between the two.”
The police know that copious amounts of Big Jug Extra Malt Liquor, Banana Red Mad Dog, and dime baggies of something containing trace amounts of THC were regularly exchanged between the two. A handwritten note from the Ghetto Shaman with directions on how to make hallucinogens from nutmeg and Ramen Noodles was also found at the Neverland Ranch, along with a pamphlet on something called Midget Reiki. Against all odds, the Daily Discord was able to arrange an exclusive interview with the Ghetto Shaman, who remains in hiding.
“I was in constant communication with Dr. Conrad Murray (Jackson’s personal physician),” claims the Ghetto Shaman. “I am innocent!”
He also wants authorities to know the two were coordinating their efforts to return Michael to the “real world.” The Ghetto Shaman insists that all of his techniques are designed to expand consciousness in a safe and effective way, using only a few household poisons. Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord, would like to stand by his comrade during this difficult time period.
“Turn yourself in, freak,” said Winslow. “You can still send us your weekly column from the pokey…By the way, where the hell is Pokey? And where is this week’s post? I need it every THURSDAY. No postee, no payee, bitch.”