Taos, NM — Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbein Institute and Laundromat, is asking his fellow Americans to destroy all forms of bacon brownies.

“This highly unstable compound must be deleted from your hard drives and removed from your recipe folders,” said Hogbein.

Remember in the movie The Princess Bride that ‘Pit of Despair’ machine that could take years off your life? Hogbein posits the Man in Black was actually being force-fed bacon brownies intravenously.

“This singularly fatal dessert could be the tipping point that destroys healthcare,” warned Hogbein.  “Our emergency rooms will be overrun if this nefarious concoction is unleashed on the masses!”

Military personnel believe it shouldn’t be too hard to track pork shipments in the Middle East.  And the government is boasting at least one successful predator drone attack on a known Al-Qaeda Baking Camp in North Waziristan.

Dr. Hogbein believes bacon brownies might have led to the disappearance of the Mayans, the Atlantians, and parts of Fat Bastard.

“Besides, I had to take an extra Lipitor just to read the ingredient list.” Hogbein insists these pastries constitute an act of war. “Now that their recipe has been downloaded into Americana, all the terrorists would need to do now is bomb Pfizer, the makers of Lipitor, and we would be completely defenseless.”

Did I just say that out loud?

Tehran, Iran – Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is denying allegations his country is developing weapons of mass destruction.

“Iran is simply trying to counter the dangers of global warming with a nice nuclear winter,” explained Ahmadinejad.

The Iranian President hopes to both restore the delicate planetary balance to our shared ecosystem and, perhaps, even win himself the next Chernobyl Peace Prize.

When asked about being under the constant scrutiny of the global community, Ahmadinejad said, “I feel misunderstood, ostracized, and completely exhausted from torturing and killing all of those student protestors over the weekend.  Next they’ll be saying our weaponized microbial ‘Death to the Great Satan Martyr’ project is for some nefarious purpose.”

The Iranian President is also insisting his new line of chemical weapons facilities are for humanitarian genocides only.

“Frankly, I’m sick of all the recent nuclear fallout from my targets—I mean critics,” said Ahmadinejad.  “I meant critics, really.”

Chicago, Ill—”Mistakes were made,” said Tab Majors, chief organizer of World Aids Day.  “We certainly weren’t encouraging people to go out and contract AIDS on World AIDS day.”

Many believe the group’s slogans, such as ‘Join the Growing AIDS Coalition’, were too ambiguous, and critics insist a comma between ‘sex’ and ‘toy’ could have avoided a lot of embarrassment during their Safe Sex Toy Drive.

Chaos ensued during their event designed to promote needle exchange programs.

“We certainly didn’t want people banging hub right there in the middle of the parking lot and then passing the used needles around,” said Majors.  “Who knew our fifteen-foot hypodermic needle float would be such a trigger?”

The chief organizer is also denying allegations his recent journal Study Suggests Promiscuity Decreases Masturbation has led to a marked increase in high-risk behaviors amongst scholarly teens.  Perhaps the worst misstep came when Mr. Majors announced over a loudspeaker that it was Condom Free Day instead of Free Condom Day.  The mistake was complicated by the timing—the gaffe occurred during the naked candlelight vigil directly after the Viagra snorting contest. 

“We will certainly rethink our decision to invite hordes of heroin using Haitian Hookers next year,” said Majors, “Or at least not as many.”

Arlington, TN—Arlington Mayor, Russell Wiseman, one of the three Mayorial Wiseman  who brought the gifts of holiday reruns to Jesus, is complaining about the decision to preempt Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special with, as Wiseman put it, “Obama’s Afghany War, Muslim bullshit” (OAWMB).

As the only adult in the room, President Barak Obama responded to the Tennessee mayor’s criticism thusly, “Mwwaah-mmm-mwa-mwa-mwaa-hmmm-mw-mwa-mwaa.”

He then added, “Mayor, I am going to hold this football and I want you to run and kick it as hard as you can.”

Obama then added, “Peanuts?  You want to talk about Peanuts?  Try looking at your federal budget next year, Mayor Burgermeister Meisterburger.”

Both Charlie Brown and the Burgermeister Meisterburger were unavailable for comment.