It’s time for a third party, a truth seeking party, a truly independent party, a Transcosmetic Party!  There is certainly a movement in America, but currently it’s brainless and leaderless (hint: when Sarah Palin is your keynote speaker, your movement needs a major laxative).  Our zombie zeitgeist moans on as the Teabag movement only adds to the unrest.  Having forty-percent of America ready and willing to vote-in any chimp with the tallest pointy white cap is not encouraging. Let me know how that Brown thing works out for you Massivetwoshits.  Populous outrage is one thing, but misguided populous outrage is quite another. 

Teabaggers want to rally all those independent thinkers and then vote Republican?  Great idea.  I don’t want any dems or republicans in my movement.  I like to pick on my conservative friends, but, let’s be clear here, the liberals suck too. We need only the best of both worlds for this growing Transcosmetic Party…you know, both of us.  Like any good integralist, I want to keep what works and what’s right from every perspective and level.  Modern conservatism and modern liberalism have little to offer, however.  Liberals are class-one enablers, far too prone to moral relativism, but they are right about the importance of equality and being good stewards of our environment. Then, on the other side of the aisle, there is little of value espoused on Fox News.  They will cheer on any short term spike in their stock options, nothing more.  But, they are right to defend our 1^st and 2^nd amendment rights and to champion fiscal responsibility—even though they currently suck at it.

Fact, politicians can’t cut obvious waste because the strongest lobbyists prevail and invariably the strongest lobbyists are the biggest crooks (Zano’s Theorem).  Sorry, Cranko, but gutting nearly all behavioral health for the most severely mentally ill will cost Arizona dearly.  Saving a penny by losing a nickel somewhere else is not being fiscally conservatism.  It’s being stupid.  Thankfully, since my last post, our republican governor in Arizona is raising sales tax amidst this great recession.  See?  It is possible.  She can’t cut critical services.  She understands that—oh, wait…she’s doing it to fund that Cubs spring training complex in Mesa?  Hmmmm. Have fun trying to access that wonderful healthcare system you’re championing, Cranko, with an emergency room full of loons.  But, then again, it will be nice to see the Cubs above .500 this season. 

So let’s get the best, non partisan thinkers on the same team. Come on, people. Both parties have left the building.  Why are you still defending them?  They are lying to you.  If Obama comes up with a surefire way to finish us off, MSNBC will applaud it, and if he comes up with a surefire solution to pull us out of this mess, Fox will condemn it.  Neither group deserves our support.  We need at least a few integral thinkers to look at our current State of the Union from what Ken Wilber terms All Quadrants and All Levels (AQAL).  Hey, a rare genuine acronym alert (ARGAA). 

Damn, that didn’t last long…

So how does a new movement, seasoned with some semblance of objectivity, emerge in this climate of coo-coos?  I don’t have a freak’n clue.  America always chooses poorly.  They’ll get it wrong every time.  Beta over VHS, IBM over Apple, football over hockey, Leno over Conan.  The examples are endless. The best is always sidelined by empty suites.  I think for 2012 it should be John Edwards vs. Sarah Palin and let’s be done with it.  Hey, don’t knock this plan.  At least we’ll know we’ve hit bottom.  Poor education and a media from hell have brought us to this mind-numbingly clueless crossroads we now find ourselves. 

It is hard to see how a higher perspective will ever prevail.  Look at the religions that thrive.  If people are given choices over time, we tend to divert to the least common denominator.  If this trend continues, we won’t find ourselves piercing deeper into integral thought, but we’ll be executing Danish cartoonists.  Europe is dying, in part, because people just stop procreating as much at some point; they certainly procreate less than our tribal and fundamental friends.  They are also more tolerant, which often leads to

societal and cultural suicide. But the tragic optimist in me says, with crises come opportunities.  Unfortunately, that part of me also says drink buckets of gin.

Even integralists are squatting on a mat somewhere contemplating their navel instead of third-eyeing that hot yoga booty right in front of them.  So it’s hard to see—with our education system and this pervasive mindset in real America—how we can ever survive the changes and challenges to come.  The dopiest remain stuck in a state of perpetual Limbaugh and even the smartest remain mired in scientism and super capitalism.  None have real insights for our future growth, future sustainability, and future survival. 

Enter Zano.  All hail the Zano King.  He can do anything!  So I am holding a rally in Nowhere, AZ next week.  One like-minded person will be joining me (not yet confirmed).  The Crank might come (to play the Zano’s advocate).

We (or I) will be meeting for this sweeping movement over at that Nowhere bar, locked amidst those curvy AZ switchbacks.  And I’m planning to drink while I think.  I won’t stop this Transcosmetic think tank party, until I have solved all of the world’s problems, or I end up in the drunk tank.   Yep, the think tank Nowhere drunk tank rally for the Transcosmetic party starts soon (acronym removed for space sake).  Join this real revolution today and leave your teabags at home, folks. 

In the immortal words of the Ghetto Shaman, I hope this helps. 

I don’t blame anyone for holding out for hope.  I knew Obama’s chances of saving the world were slim, but I also thought holy shit! complete sentences! Unfortunately, the Obama illusion is just that—an illusion.  We few sentient creatures left amongst the patriotard wasteland have realized, long ago, that no one is driving the proverbial bus.  But, on the bright side, what a decade for political satire, eh?!  Makes me want to start an ezine blog thingie. Here’s the Discord decade in review: Clinton (circa 2000) was riding the Lewinsky, which is a metaphor meaning diligently protecting our country, and then things got really stupid for about eight years, and then came hope, which we all hoped would help (Hip Hope joke omitted by Winslow). 

Most Americans still suffer from the delusion that we reside in a thriving, competent, competitive country.  Always remember, U.S.A is number one…even if for the last ten years we’ve been stepping consistently in number two. 

Everyone remains forever transfixed by the essentially meaningless while they ignore the truly frightening.  Be thankful there are still some talented people left in this country, because as a collective we’re an Autistic Borg.  Cheney is the latest concerned citizen, outraged that the very system he built allowed a terrorist watch-lister onto a plane with a bomb.  Yeah, OK, Dick…whatever.  You couldn’t get food and water to the place where you directed thousands of people to go after a hurricane.  I remember when most of the 9/11 Commission’s recommendations were ignored, so that Dick could go ape shit on the Bill of Rights. 

No thank you, comissionites…I’m going to stick with torture, secret prisons, and secret police.  Those things sound much funner than coordinating our intelligence communities.  Oh, and Cranko, here’s the difference between Darth Rahm and Darth Cheney:

Darth Rahm: I am going to release the pressure on your trachea now if you promise to help me insure more Americans.

Darth Cheney: I’m not going to release the pressure on your trachea because this is way too much fun!

Yes, they are both Machiavellian bastards, but who would you rather be locked in a room with for a week?

Unlike Sean—jocks are smarter than nerds—Hannity, I think it’s more American to identify an embarrassment than placate it.  Eighty-percent of our population continues to champion one side of the freak show or the other.  If the republicans do sweep in the mid-terms, it’s a travesty.  Not that the dems deserve to keep any seats, mind you, it’s just no one from either party deserves anything at this point, except jail time.  Libertards and patriotards only see the mess on the other side of the aisle.  Many Americans were hoping for bailouts, still others were hoping for handouts, but I wanted Obama to restore the rule of law.  He hasn’t done that yet but, in his defense, the teleprompter hasn’t told him to yet.  And visions of conspiracy theories danced in my head.  Republicans are outraged now that their tactics are being used as the U.S. enterprise tacks to the left.  No one could have used these tactics ever, if you had had a clue.  Sorry, teabaggers, the revolution should have occurred in 2005.  You know, when you felt “safe”.

The economy is still screwed no matter what the Dow says. Perceptions are easily changed and this upswing is a welcome one, but it’s still all funny money, kids.  And fewer and fewer people actually receive any of this funny money. Capitalism became super capitalism somewhere under Bush and it’s at that point in the Monopoly game when we’re all shuffled toward Baltic Avenue.  Oh, wait, there’s a Trump Tower on it…er, Go To Jail. 

If Obamacare does pass, which I still doubt, we left only the shitty parts.  So the hospitals won’t be burdened by uncompensated care, you will. I wouldn’t mind pitching in my two cents if A.) I remotely trusted the government, or B.) Obamacare represented real reform.  There are two sentences of the thousand page document that we should keep.  If it passes, it would be hard to call this monstrosity a success (funny, I said the same thing about Roger Ailes).  But I give the Dems some credit for at least recognizing problems.  The republicans are only rallied to a cause when they are summoned by the Fox Gods to do so.  As usual, the republican base remains guided by some Mr. Burns type, who is somewhere, right now, preparing to release the flying monkeys. 

ACORN?  Give me a break.  We still don’t have a Bill of Rights! Obama’s second cousin’s aunt once worked at ACORN and they are a corrupt urban reform project?  What?!  I’ll have you know, I’ve started my own corrupt community help projects and I netted one can of Green Giant string beans for my trouble. All of Bush’s stimulus money is gone and most of Obama’s is where?  Aka, fuck the can of string beans (not literally; that could hurt). Granted, they were some damn fine string beans, but this is hardly the biggest deal as our nation and our world quite literally shakes and bakes.  I can’t wait to explain to my grandchildren how we would have loved to have stayed a viable global power, found clean energy, reformed healthcare, and saved the planet and all, but people were really, really concerned about this urban community project gone array.  Lest we forget, this is a social help project that might, under certain circumstance (if the moon is just right), receive money from Uncle Sam for trying to help socio-economically challenged regions of our country despite the taint of, gasp, prostitution.  (Hint: they really haven’t received a whole lot of anything yet except scrutiny).  How about trying to name one republican not visiting ACORN for some female companionship?  I think ACORN is doing the U.S. a great service—anything to keep them from enacting laws. 

Sure…don’t fund ACORN.  It should die.  It’s an embarrassment…not on a Sarah Palin level, but pretty bad. However, it should be listed in the grand scheme of things as problem 124,788 for America (not number 3 as seen on Fox Spews). 

The right has to fabricate and inflate trivial scandals while continuing to ignore the real issues.  It’s an art—only it smells more like it starts with an F.  Deficits didn’t matter under Bush, but now, all of a sudden, they’re paramount.  You will all go right back to sleep about deficits as soon as Brown/Palin take office in 2012.  You will only worry about what Fox tells you to and, until you figure that out, you’re useless in my movement.  Another good one was the Great Obama H1N1 preparations scandal of 2009.  Failing to come up with a gazilllion shots, overnight, that no one should probably have received in the first place is clearly as big a scandal as insert your favorite Bush scandal here.  Weren’t half a million shots recalled because we rushed this fabricated nonsense?   So we endanger half a million people to combat a flu that killed slightly less than the usually flu does? Great work, fear mongers.

In fact, the real scandals, birthed under Bush and perpetuated by Obama, are not even in the news.  Here’s why: the real constitutional dilemmas were started by Bush, (aka: dead to Fox), and either unaddressed or worsened under Obama (aka: dead to the rest of the media).  The right will invariably trade their freedom for security, while the left is too busy getting over that Obama peaceful tingling feeling up their leg (wasn’t that an Eagle’s song?).

OK, before you call me a revolutionary, realize this: I am way too lazy for that, but a second collapse is immanent and, sadly, some good may come from it. Yes, I said that. The last collapse did nothing for common sense.  Yes, Crank, here at the end of all things, I even want Business Channel people to wake the hell up and smell the ozone. I want them to think about the stock market beyond the next commercial break.  None of this is sustainable.  Bail out the morons, keep cheating and greeding, drill baby drill? Anything to keep blowing bubbles?  Mindless consumerism is no longer going to work, folks, no matter what the Fox Gods think.  I realize you didn’t get this memo, because you were at the mall, but the party is over. 

I don’t want my family and friends losing all of their worth either, but global economic collapse and planet dying shit is real bad.  Bottom line: our current way of life here in Happy Acres is unsustainable, unhealthy, and unAmerican. Yes, America has somehow become unAmerican (on Hannity’s watch, no doubt).  Unless America stands for war crimes, Ponzi schemes, and stupidity, we have some work to do.

You know why I despise the Teabaggers, Cranko?  The only thing they are going to accomplish is getting the only group on Earth dumber than the Dems back into office, the Republicans.  Real change means distancing yourself from both groups. A small portion of these Tea people understand that, but the vast majority remain dupes of the biggest dopes.  They represent a huge missed opportunity and, frankly, I want to join them—when they grow the hell up.

Oh, and you know what that idiot Hannity said the other day?  He kills me…really, he’s worse for my heart than Krispy Kremes.  He said, “they [scientists] have been talking about an ice age for forty years and nothing.”

Nothing?  Really?

We’re witnessing the biggest mass extinction on record, oceans are dying, and the ice caps are disappearing.  Well, I guess in his defense forty-years is a long time if you think the Earth is only six-thousand years old.       

AHHHhhHhHHhhHhHhhHhhHHhHHH!

There, that feels better…wait.

AHHhhhhHhhhhh!

OK, now wait for the shake:

Ah …Ah…h

OK, you can go…

How can you people insist Obama hasn’t accomplished anything?  He postponed a depression, he put a muzzle on Joe Biden—no easy trick—and he turned global warming into global cooling.  Not bad for one year in office.  Sure Obama is a bully, but he’s bending the rule of law for the powers of good.  OK, I’m kidding.  It’s just fun watching the patriotards squirm.  Have a czar, you’re gonna go far…  

Back in 2008, Pokey McDooris asked me the hardest question ever.

He said, “Ginger or Mary Ann?”

Then he asked me an even harder question, he said, “Forget about (R) or (D) for a moment, who do you think has the best chance of both keeping us safe and pulling our country out of this freefall?” 

I really couldn’t answer. 

The Dems invariably suck, but voting for a Republican after eight years of George W. Bush would be kind of like purposely zipping your penis into your own fly.  Five years ago, we were already talking about Glenn Beck and we could commiserate with his view of our pending demise.  He was making slightly more sense when no one was listening to him—kind of like Pokey. 

I finally answered with a heavy hearted, “Mary Ann.”

She was busted for pot recently, at sixty-something, and I can respect that…

Then I said, “Obama would keep us safer.”

Admittedly, a guess at best. I knew he would be great on the soft power and, besides, how could he do any worse?  We needed a senile hawk in the White House about as much as…did I mention the pant zipper thing?  Sheeee-it, it’d be like picking Mrs. Howell, for Gilligan’s sake. 

Today, congress remains handcuffed by lobbyists and King Obama reigns over the Bill of Rights.  You remember, that document you fools dismantled in the name of Freedom?  As somewhere Joseph Goebbles grins (the way skulls often will). Just this week, conservative judges passed the SCOTUS decision, moving us ever closer toward an amalgamation of government and business…but isn’t Obama the fascist?  First Halliburton, now SCOTUS, but, remember kids, Obama bought the auto industry because he’s such a huge car guy.  The difference with liberals is this: they can at least smell a socialist fart when they lay one.

No matter what we do from here on in, peeps, we’re moving toward a pile of fecal matter the size of—what’s our deficit again?  Sadly, Fox and the Teabaggers are right on one.  Obama’s ten year borrowing plan does mean the end of the economy as we know it (wasn’t that an REM song?).  Obama’s Monopoly money simply postponed the big D.  But now Fox will have their fall guy, right on cue.  But, hey, it’ll be almost worth it to see the Foxeteers on those long soup lines with a twinkle in their eye. 

I braved the Fox Business show the other day (not recommended).  They want Obama to “grow up” and, of course, everyone on the panel blamed Obama for our economic state, except the one guy that couldn’t get a word in edgewise. 

As ineffectual as Obama is, the Foxeteers are the ones who need to grow up.  If they get everything they want for x-mas, our economy will still go down the shitter—albeit a little faster, with less pomp and circumstance, and with less options for the survivors—but hey, who’s counting, right? Certainly not our enumeration czar, The Count von Count.

Didn’t any of you ever wonder why you just happen to believe 95% of what is espoused on Fox?  Why their endless talking points just happen to resonant with your own?  Is it subliminal messages or mental illness?  As soon as MSNBC started to suck, it took me twelve minutes to figure it out (hint: I was in the can for ten of them).  

Shut off the transmission in your heads.  These business tards on Fox are only going to support whatever they think will keep the stock market percolating through their morning joe—and by noon they’ll all be out to lunch.  They’ve missed so many memos, I don’t even know where to begin.  So I will finish…They’re wrong. 

The neococoon is an interesting phenomenon.  I call it the land of the neurologically fear driven partisan defense mechanisms (LNFDPDM).  The neococoon creates its own reality by repeating falsehoods, ad infinitum, with absolutely no regard for our collective future, or lack thereof.  It worked for Hitler…come to think of it, Roger Ailes did too (when was he born?).

Here’s one example why the vast majority of Fox viewers are simply corporate dupes.  In my state, right now, Republican Governor Janet Brewer (AZ), is about to gut nearly all funding for the severely mentally ill and for Kids Care (insurance for low income kids from working families).  No, I’m not making this up.  Republicans are always penny wise and pound foolish. At least they’re consistent.  Almost completely broke now, Arizona is also going to close most of our state parks. So here’s my idea.  We let all of the mentally ill loose in the parks.  Then, not only can we keep the parks open, but it will liven up those Sedona Pink Jeep Tours.  Hey, and what’s a caravan of donkeys down the Grand Canyon without a pack of paranoid schizophrenics at your heels, eh?  This is win-win!  Or in the case of the Obsessive Compulsive Canyon Cruise, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win!

Raise the state tax a penny, you stupid bitch.  We shouldn’t become a third world country until the next collapse, or are you just trying to be the first in your class?  Oh, and stop blaming the Dems.  Here’s the equation Governor Gullible:

I blame the Republicans for this mess   =  intuitive, but only partial credit

I blame the Dems and Republicans for this mess  =  Full credit.  Well done

I blame the Dems for this mess   =  you’re a brainwashed ignoramus (zero points)

Oh, and by the way, your state’s next.  But my point is this: to the backdrop of the chaos currently ensuing, we see the same limo pulling up to the psych-unit with several suited drug reps, armed to the teeth with catered treats for our doctors and nurses.  You know, so we buy their overpriced anti-psychotic meds that no one can now afford outside of Scottsdale proper (insert The Hamptons, if you’re from the east coast, here).  Besides, how can we get them their meds now, anyway?  I just let them loose in our state parks.  Hmmmmm.  Folks like Ted Nugent would probably pay big bucks to track and nail a bucking bi-polar borderline with injectable Risperdal.  Naaah, I’ve been reading too many Crank articles. 

Good luck with your future business endeavors, Foxeteers. 

Your singular lockstep backing of banks, lawyers, the Visa Gods, insurance and drug companies while offering only empty gestures toward reform is truly frightening.

Michael J. Fox News wants to go Back in Time.  So do I…but not to 2008.  Heck, they don’t even realize yet—at this late hour—that their paradigm, their worldview, and their tax shelters have already collapsed.  It’s like trying to go back to work at the World Trade Center on 9/12; it aint gonna happen.  So yes, they are the most culpable, the least in touch with what’s happening, and the biggest obstacles to making the tough choices to save this nation.  Real America killed by real dumb Americans, film at eleven.

But you’re right about the Dems sucking.  It’s time you all realized there are no good choices left…only then can real change commence.  So why not actually make some tough choices now, folks?  Why not work toward some semblance of community sustainability?  You can start by making sure there’s enough hops and barely in your hometown.  Right, Governor Brewer?

Come back into the fold, kids.  Support the third option.  Join the Transcosmetic Party today.  We already have nearly five members…and growing.

I have been told that I am not solution oriented.  My bartender says otherwise.  I have suggested a gas tax, years ago, to level the playing field for a time so we might actually pursue genuine alternative sustainable fuel sources (GAS-FS).  Not continue to be duped by the big three.  I don’t want to pay five dollars a gallon either, people, but what part of we’re all screwed aren’t you getting?

Fox is blaming the relief quarterback, who had one last chance to throw it long.  They have absolutely no regard for the first 59 minutes, you know…when they controlled the play.  Obama had one shot or, as I call it, the Hail Mary Ann pass.  She was the cutest, but I’m partial to brunettes.

Sorry Hannity, Massivetwoshits was not a Republican referendum.  Obama nailed it in an interview last week. If you are an incumbent in the next several years, R or D, you’re toast.  Then the guy who comes into power next will, again, be toast.  When you break shit real good, it aint getting fixed anytime soon.  That’s the only message, asshole.  This is—and has been—a complete collapse since November 2008.  So you can stop cheering for our collective demise anytime now, Patriot Boy. 

As things sink further into the super capitalistic abyss, people will run willy nilly between door number one and door number two.  It’s called the Haiti shuffle….what? too soon?  We can’t keep trying these same two pathetic choices.  In the immortal words of the Joker, I’m bringing them out a whole new door…and, yes, it involves something brewed by the Ghetto Shaman.  Instead of four years in the military, send your kids to Haiti for four months.  Call it training for what’s to come.  The only hope we have of turning this ship around involves a move toward integral thought.  Or, in the case of Republicans, I’ll settle for any thought.  So come on, kids.  The alarm bells are ringing.  Time to don the tights and slide down the bat pole one more time toward freedom!  

Er…Freedom is just this club I frequent.   Don’t read too deeply into that.  

With Climategate emerging and Al Gore’s ‘world fever’ breaking a bit, It could happen tomorrow might now be renamed It could happen next Tuesday around dinner time. Of course, this is a long title that could use some editing, but the four main points won’t change on this topic: 1) there are earthly cycles that we don’t fully understand, 2) man’s impact on this phenomenally complex system is not fully understood, 3) pollution = bad, and 4) strange things certainly are afoot at the Circle K. 

The green movement does have the distinct disadvantage of being run by morons, but they still have a leg up on the people attacking them (start urinating now).  But my focus on this issue has always been this: how did Dennis Quaid, in Arctic conditions, walk from Philadelphia to NYC in about ten minutes to save his children with only tennis shoes strapped to his feet? 

Here’s the other important point: no matter how you slice it, pollution = bad.  Bush rolled back four decades of environmental laws.  If global warming is a myth, I still don’t want Earth resembling northern New Jersey any time soon.  But who does need a house out in Hackensack? 

It seems the weather cycle is dipping a bit.  So what?  Shit is still happening and even little changes over long periods could have chilling effects (pardon the pun). If It Does Happen Tomorrow, it could really screw things up for a hundred thousand years or so.  And that’s Obama’s job!  We’re talking about a few degrees here, peeps.  So the cold snap that has everyone, especially Matt ‘Spinny’ Drudge, convinced signifies the end of global warming is silly. And, sorry patriotards, politicizing the issue with faulty science doesn’t actually change the underlying truth.  Shit, is in fact, happening.

If global warming is wrong then it might be 17° in Kenosha right now.  If global warming is correct, it might be 18° in Kenosha.  We are talking about small changes over long periods.  I never said it was going to happen tomorrow (unless the Viagra script is filled in time). 

I remember watching Sean Hannity discussing the topic a few years back: 

“Global warming?” said Sean.  “It was cold last weekend.  Besides, are we heading for global warming or the next ice age?  Scientists need to make up their minds.” 

Enter my eighth grade science teacher:

“The warming will melt the polar ice caps, stopping the ocean currents (which keep the northern hemisphere warm), eventually resulting in an ice age.”

Thank you, Mrs. Moniere.  Now could you wake up, Sean?  I think he’s fallen asleep again. 

But the facts don’t matter to people infinitely more interested in their stock options and the Americun way of life, which prefers to have Mother Nature grabbing her ankles while MILFs shout ‘drill baby drill’ in the background (sadly, this is all too reminiscent of the websites I frequent).

More recently Glenn Beck had Michael Bolton and this Lord Snobbington-type guy on his program.  Now this guy actually did have some interesting data—changes nothing from my standpoint, mind you—but it was interesting nonetheless.  Lord Snobbington II called for Al Gore to debate him, or shut up. 

Al Gore should shut up and instead I will debate him. 

Your data, Sir Snobbington, champions an impressive twenty-year cooling trend.  Bravo!  It explains and changes nothing. My first four points remain true.  I don’t claim to understand the vastly complex weather trends, nor mankind’s impact on it, but pollution = bad, and something—whether you like it or not, or whether you understand it or not—is happening.  Not tomorrow, right now. I know people from Alaska; the glaciers are disappearing.  The magnetic poles are fluctuating, and somewhere the Ghetto Shaman and Pokey McDooris are being ejected from a local drinking establishment.

In our lifetimes we will witness unmistakable and otentially devastating trends.  The oceans are rising, tornados have doubled in the last fifty-years, and earthquakes have increased to 500% in the last century (Heley, 2009).  The magnetic north pole is wobbling across Siberia like a drunken sailor while there is an unprecedented pause in the usual Chandler wobble (Mandeville, 2005).  NASA is even reporting that the sun’s magnetic field is changing.  The desalination of our oceans is undeniable and is endangering the currents that regulate the entire ocean system (Clark, 2009).  Plasma is entering our atmosphere in unprecedented amounts (Dmitriev, 1997)<, fish are disappearing (Gollum, 2008), and in 2012 Mayan Gods will descend from the center of our galaxy to devour our young (Ghetto Shaman, 2004). 

The fact remains: we are most certainly negatively impacting our environment, and I don’t use dueling adverbs lightly! Do you have any idea how hard it is for Winslow to approve such things?  The discussion went like this, “But, but, but…the Crank gets all those CAPITILIZED SENTENCES!!  If pollution throws our world into a tailspin now, or a thousand years from now, it’s still an important issue that clearly warrants the use of a bevy of dueling adverbs”

“I just heard banjos.  Did you hear that?”

“Just keep paddling.”

Here’s where the right is correct.  Al Gore has politicized the shit out of this issue and scientists are apparently doping the argument.  I warned Al and his ilk about politicizing the issue long ago.  I guess his rationale is “because it’s such an important cause,” or some such.  But if you make up anything, the middle schoolers of the world (like Sean Hannity) will descend on you (and your one misstep) and they will discount all of your conclusions.  Their thought processes are as follows: A Prius may actually be worse for the planet = scrap all environmental causes (right/wrong, good/bad, with us/against us).  The patriotard menace can impact the general population quite effectively, because weez gettin awfully dumm, folks.  Missing the main points is a Fox News specialty.  But the worst thing you can do for any important cause is dope it up. Just think of any Steven Spielberg movie. You’re enjoying the shit out of the thing and then Indiana Jones suddenly falls three miles from a plane in nothing but a raft and somehow lands safely in a raging river.  You took the will and suspension of disbelief and just took my movie experience and did that Mother-Nature-grabb’n-her-ankles drill-baby-drill thing (MNGHADBBDT).

Winslow has just informed me, the above sentence contains the largest lousy acronym joke in Discord history. Shouldn’t balloons fall from the ceiling or something?

Even science is a joke these days.  This Climategate stuff is not unprecedented.  Sure the aluminum and mercury-laden vaccinations are safe, folks, so bring yer young’ns on down. Pharmaceutical companies always seem to fund these studies that, lo and behold, show the efficacy of their product.  So ask your doctor if Zaxcrappia is right for you.

Capitalism has become super capitalism, folks.  Nothing is sacred.  In a similar case, the government fed us a line of shit in the nineties on MDMA (ecstasy).  They showed pictures of holes in MDMA users’ brains.  These pics were falsified, so now any negative government drug study is looked on with more than a hint of skepticism (and rightly so). 

This is also why I am marketing a breakfast cereal called Honey Bunches of Ecstasy, and why I have a bowl of Frosted Mini Shrooms every morning with a balanced breakfast.  The Ghetto Shaman makes the omelets. As he always says, you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few FDA regs. 

What were we talking about?

My train of thought seems to have fallen out of a plane, but luckily it landed safely in this raging river. 

Review time, kids. 

Libertards: Global Warming is caused solely by man’s evil influence. We should go back to living in trees = wrong.

Patriotards:  God is just making some changes, so ignore the melting glaciers because I really need a new Lexus = wronger.

Integralists:  Some major climate changes are occurring, although we don’t fully know why, we should work together to reduce global pollution, preferably without destroying what’s left of our economy in the process = Bingo.

Nowhere, AZ – A few weeks ago the family had the flu, so I was stuck playing Florence Nightingale (any excuse to dress up like a nurse, really).  Trapped with the sneezy twins, I decided to try watching Fox News all day, or at least as much as I could stomach.  As the Crank asserts, the media needs to be critical and questioning of each administration—be the “thorn in their side”, as he put it, which is why I’ve gone from 20 to nearly 30 minutes of Fox News viewing per week (with frequent mental health breaks involving microbrews).  As it turns out, Fox is fun and educational!  Fine, it’s neither…but, I was trapped, and the only Netflix in the house were High School Musical and the second season of Sanctuary.  Women…

From 2001 to 2008 there was no need for Fox News to be a ‘thorn in the side’ of anyone, because W. was so flawless and all.  The blind spot of these folks would be laughable, had it not gone and wrecked the country.  For all the Crank’s bitching about the liberal media, they’ve done nothing compared to Fox’s single-handedly reelecting Incurious George.  But with the liberal media now borrowing from the Fox playbook, it becomes increasingly imperative a legitimate conservative news source emerges.  Fact: Fox is just not going to improve.  What would be their incentive?  Hordes of patriotards are hanging on their every turd.  The Fox-eteers are invariably wrong on a wide range of topics.  Put another way: if I made 4,289 predictions in the last decade and only eight of them came to pass, well, I’ve just described Bill Krystol’s career.  Fox News has discovered that they don’t need facts anymore, they can say or spin anything without fear of losing anyone from their bat shit base.  (Hint: they cover the eight things they got right to death, and they spin the shit out of the other 4,281 issues.)

I don’t think it’s horribly patriotic to wish either side bottoms out completely.  A healthy government means a healthy debate, but bad choice after bad choice after bad choice has brought the Republican’s to some dire straights.  No longer can they get their money for nothing and their chicks for free.

The Crank brags how Fox is number one in cable news, but that’s not a badge of honor, it’s a symptom. I want to debate Christopher Hitchens, not Ann friggin’ Coulter.  I protested on Shock and Awe day, but, after listening to Hitch for just a few minutes even I want to go bomb Baghdad again (just for fun).  He eloquently defends the indefensible.  He presents a logical rationale for the War on Terror.  He is above the seventh grade, glass ceiling of the ‘Fox News All Stars’ (which is precisely why they have absolutely no use for him). 

Here we go…now Fox is covering the scrapping of the F-22s.  All morning they ‘forgot’ to point out that no one in the military was defending the continuation of the F-22 program.  They never mentioned that the defense secretary himself (the same one under Bush) said they were obsolete.  They just pandered to the defense contractors and the few congressmen who had job losses in their districts.

They concluded the segment with “We Are Now Wide Open for Attack.”  

Sleep well America…

To keep with their ‘Obama sucks on defense’ theme, the next show talked about Obama’s scrapping of the missile defense system in Eastern Europe.  Of course, they failed to mention that, 150 billion dollars and several decades later, we never did get a workable weapon (and the Crank makes fun of my college career?).  

Throughout the segment the, supposedly left-leaning, host ended the interview by saying, “Oh, and with this program gone it leaves the east coast completely vulnerable to attack.”  As if a dysfunctional weapons system in Poland would help us how?

Sleep well America…

[Fox News: brought to you buy Ambien CR]

In reality, the most significant Al-Qaeda threat since 911 was foiled under Obama.  The Bush incidents were, for the most part, all fabricated Fox nonsense (FFN).  A bunch of kids playing with matches with hardly any contact at all with any real terrorists.  Two real terrorists with real attainable plans were busted lasted month by the FBI.   Several key Al-Qaeda leaders in Afghanistan and Pakistan have recently been introduced to Allah via successful Predator Drone attacks.  What Obama plans for Iran is up for grabs.  Afghanistan would be fine if we could just go back in time eight years to when we had a real coalition, some cash, and some credibility.  We took Kabul eight years ago and haven’t done a whole lot there since.  Nothing is easy right about now.  I think Afghanistan will be a failed state whether we dump another trillion into it or not.  Biden has a point.  Eight years ago we had a full deck of cards, but Bush has left us with one joker.  In fact, I think he’s still our economic czar. 

And finally someone has placed the U.S. in the position to mediate between Palestine and Israel.  Obama hasn’t abandoned Israel; he’s simply shifted to the middle. You know, so he can mediate.  Sorry, I realize we’re approaching High School level thought processes now.

Back to the blogathon:

Fox News has referenced ‘czars’ several dozen times during my hiatus from logical thinking.

After a gazillion czar references, some Fox commentator asked, “Is the media ignoring the czar controversy?”

Well, let’s see…Maddow and Olbermann over on MSNBC discuss it every night and you guys, number one and all, mention it every other sentence, so I’m guessing one could make the argument NO, the topic has NOT been ignored by the media. 

OK, honestly, I only watched Fox for about an hour and half that day, and quite intermittently (did I mention I had rented High School Musical?).  But stay tuned for the exciting sequel…

Wait, Winslow wants more of a cliffhanger ending:

Mick Zano, upon hearing some Foxite call this mess “the Bush Recovery,” went on a bloody killing spree through downtown Phoenix.  Upon discharging round after round, eyewitnesses claim to have heard Zano saying, “Grog is great!”

(Stay tuned)