The Double Dip Recession and the Obama Illusion

Bush and Obama: Two Dips
Mick Zano

I don’t blame anyone for holding out for hope.  I knew Obama’s chances of saving the world were slim, but I also thought holy shit! complete sentences! Unfortunately, the Obama illusion is just that—an illusion.  We few sentient creatures left amongst the patriotard wasteland have realized, long ago, that no one is driving the proverbial bus.  But, on the bright side, what a decade for political satire, eh?!  Makes me want to start an ezine blog thingie. Here’s the Discord decade in review: Clinton (circa 2000) was riding the Lewinsky, which is a metaphor meaning diligently protecting our country, and then things got really stupid for about eight years, and then came hope, which we all hoped would help (Hip Hope joke omitted by Winslow). 

Most Americans still suffer from the delusion that we reside in a thriving, competent, competitive country.  Always remember, U.S.A is number one…even if for the last ten years we’ve been stepping consistently in number two

Everyone remains forever transfixed by the essentially meaningless while they ignore the truly frightening.  Be thankful there are still some talented people left in this country, because as a collective we’re an Autistic Borg.  Cheney is the latest concerned citizen, outraged that the very system he built allowed a terrorist watch-lister onto a plane with a bomb.  Yeah, OK, Dick…whatever.  You couldn’t get food and water to the place where you directed thousands of people to go after a hurricane.  I remember when most of the 9/11 Commission’s recommendations were ignored, so that Dick could go ape shit on the Bill of Rights. 

No thank you, comissionites…I’m going to stick with torture, secret prisons, and secret police.  Those things sound much funner than coordinating our intelligence communities.  Oh, and Cranko, here’s the difference between Darth Rahm and Darth Cheney:

Darth Rahm: I am going to release the pressure on your trachea now if you promise to help me insure more Americans.

Darth Cheney: I’m not going to release the pressure on your trachea because this is way too much fun!

Yes, they are both Machiavellian bastards, but who would you rather be locked in a room with for a week?

Unlike Sean—jocks are smarter than nerds—Hannity, I think it’s more American to identify an embarrassment than placate it.  Eighty-percent of our population continues to champion one side of the freak show or the other.  If the republicans do sweep in the mid-terms, it’s a travesty.  Not that the dems deserve to keep any seats, mind you, it’s just no one from either party deserves anything at this point, except jail time.  Libertards and patriotards only see the mess on the other side of the aisle.  Many Americans were hoping for bailouts, still others were hoping for handouts, but I wanted Obama to restore the rule of law.  He hasn’t done that yet but, in his defense, the teleprompter hasn’t told him to yet.  And visions of conspiracy theories danced in my head.  Republicans are outraged now that their tactics are being used as the U.S. enterprise tacks to the left.  No one could have used these tactics ever, if you had had a clue.  Sorry, teabaggers, the revolution should have occurred in 2005.  You know, when you felt “safe”.

The economy is still screwed no matter what the Dow says. Perceptions are easily changed and this upswing is a welcome one, but it’s still all funny money, kids.  And fewer and fewer people actually receive any of this funny money. Capitalism became super capitalism somewhere under Bush and it’s at that point in the Monopoly game when we’re all shuffled toward Baltic Avenue.  Oh, wait, there’s a Trump Tower on it…er, Go To Jail

If Obamacare does pass, which I still doubt, we left only the shitty parts.  So the hospitals won’t be burdened by uncompensated care, you will. I wouldn’t mind pitching in my two cents if A.) I remotely trusted the government, or B.) Obamacare represented real reform.  There are two sentences of the thousand page document that we should keep.  If it passes, it would be hard to call this monstrosity a success (funny, I said the same thing about Roger Ailes).  But I give the Dems some credit for at least recognizing problems.  The republicans are only rallied to a cause when they are summoned by the Fox Gods to do so.  As usual, the republican base remains guided by some Mr. Burns type, who is somewhere, right now, preparing to release the flying monkeys. 

ACORN?  Give me a break.  We still don’t have a Bill of Rights! Obama’s second cousin’s aunt once worked at ACORN and they are a corrupt urban reform project?  What?!  I’ll have you know, I’ve started my own corrupt community help projects and I netted one can of Green Giant string beans for my trouble. All of Bush’s stimulus money is gone and most of Obama’s is where?  Aka, fuck the can of string beans (not literally; that could hurt). Granted, they were some damn fine string beans, but this is hardly the biggest deal as our nation and our world quite literally shakes and bakes.  I can’t wait to explain to my grandchildren how we would have loved to have stayed a viable global power, found clean energy, reformed healthcare, and saved the planet and all, but people were really, really concerned about this urban community project gone array.  Lest we forget, this is a social help project that might, under certain circumstance (if the moon is just right), receive money from Uncle Sam for trying to help socio-economically challenged regions of our country despite the taint of, gasp, prostitution.  (Hint: they really haven’t received a whole lot of anything yet except scrutiny).  How about trying to name one republican not visiting ACORN for some female companionship?  I think ACORN is doing the U.S. a great service—anything to keep them from enacting laws. 

Sure…don’t fund ACORN.  It should die.  It’s an embarrassment…not on a Sarah Palin level, but pretty bad. However, it should be listed in the grand scheme of things as problem 124,788 for America (not number 3 as seen on Fox Spews). 

The right has to fabricate and inflate trivial scandals while continuing to ignore the real issues.  It’s an art—only it smells more like it starts with an F.  Deficits didn’t matter under Bush, but now, all of a sudden, they’re paramount.  You will all go right back to sleep about deficits as soon as Brown/Palin take office in 2012.  You will only worry about what Fox tells you to and, until you figure that out, you’re useless in my movement.  Another good one was the Great Obama H1N1 preparations scandal of 2009.  Failing to come up with a gazilllion shots, overnight, that no one should probably have received in the first place is clearly as big a scandal as insert your favorite Bush scandal here.  Weren’t half a million shots recalled because we rushed this fabricated nonsense?   So we endanger half a million people to combat a flu that killed slightly less than the usually flu does? Great work, fear mongers.

In fact, the real scandals, birthed under Bush and perpetuated by Obama, are not even in the news.  Here’s why: the real constitutional dilemmas were started by Bush, (aka: dead to Fox), and either unaddressed or worsened under Obama (aka: dead to the rest of the media).  The right will invariably trade their freedom for security, while the left is too busy getting over that Obama peaceful tingling feeling up their leg (wasn’t that an Eagle’s song?).

OK, before you call me a revolutionary, realize this: I am way too lazy for that, but a second collapse is immanent and, sadly, some good may come from it. Yes, I said that. The last collapse did nothing for common sense.  Yes, Crank, here at the end of all things, I even want Business Channel people to wake the hell up and smell the ozone. I want them to think about the stock market beyond the next commercial break.  None of this is sustainable.  Bail out the morons, keep cheating and greeding, drill baby drill? Anything to keep blowing bubbles?  Mindless consumerism is no longer going to work, folks, no matter what the Fox Gods think.  I realize you didn’t get this memo, because you were at the mall, but the party is over. 

I don’t want my family and friends losing all of their worth either, but global economic collapse and planet dying shit is real bad.  Bottom line: our current way of life here in Happy Acres is unsustainable, unhealthy, and unAmerican. Yes, America has somehow become unAmerican (on Hannity’s watch, no doubt).  Unless America stands for war crimes, Ponzi schemes, and stupidity, we have some work to do.

You know why I despise the Teabaggers, Cranko?  The only thing they are going to accomplish is getting the only group on Earth dumber than the Dems back into office, the Republicans.  Real change means distancing yourself from both groups. A small portion of these Tea people understand that, but the vast majority remain dupes of the biggest dopes.  They represent a huge missed opportunity and, frankly, I want to join them—when they grow the hell up.

Oh, and you know what that idiot Hannity said the other day?  He kills me…really, he’s worse for my heart than Krispy Kremes.  He said, “they [scientists] have been talking about an ice age for forty years and nothing.”

Nothing?  Really?

We’re witnessing the biggest mass extinction on record, oceans are dying, and the ice caps are disappearing.  Well, I guess in his defense forty-years is a long time if you think the Earth is only six-thousand years old.       


There, that feels better…wait.


OK, now wait for the shake:

Ah …Ah…h

OK, you can go…

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.