Agrabah—In a move that some are calling premature, Donald Trump is already Tweeting other world leaders in an effort to make America Tweet Again. Mr. Trump told the press today, “Lately I have been Tweeting a lot in the middle of the night, but not all of it is just Rosie O’Donnell and Hillary Clinton jokes. It’s not. Sure that’s most of it, but I am also negotiating big deals, right now, with some major players across the Twitterverse.” #BigAgrabahOilDeal
Tag Archive for spoof news
The True Disparity In Our False Equivalency
by Mick Zano •
A prime example of a false equivalency appeared in my last article, which made me realize I haven’t done justice to this subject, or any other subject for that matter. False equivalencies are a prevalent tactic for the GOP. It’s the cognitive distortion of choice for a group who keeps trying to make the argument that they still have an argument. Today’s obvious example is Trump V Hillary. “Say what you want about Trump, but that Hillary is just as bad!” On what fucking planet? Benghazi Colony IV? They really believe they’re equally incompetent/evil. In reality one would preside over a third Obama-like recovery and the other would bomb Canada. Get to the escape pods! The Benghazi Colonies are under attack from the Decepto-neocons!
Michael Jackson’s Doctor Admits To Prescribing Fentanyl To Prince From Jail
by Mick Zano •
Dr. Conrad Murray is back in the news today after authorities claim the controversial doctor had been prescribing several opioids to Prince shortly before his death. One of the drugs, fentanyl, is even stronger than the opioid that killed his former client, Michael Jackson. Dr. Murray told the Discord today, “First off, call me the guy formerly known as doctor. Get it? Anyway, I didn’t mean any harm. I still had a few pages on my script pad, so I told Prince, ‘As long as it’s not propofol. That shit got me into a lot of trouble last time.’ Oh, and I also warned him against taking this medication and then partying like it’s 1999.”
Trump Feeling The Bern After He Chicken-Hawks Out Of Debate
by Mr. Sherman •
The GOP 3-Step: Create Terror, Lose Wars, Win Elections
by Mick Zano •
What do we know about Republican foreign policy? About as much as they do, nadda, nichts, zilch. We do know they want to bomb everything that moves. On that note, my friend Keith is screwed. When polled, nearly a third of our rightwing citizenry want to bomb Agrabah (a fictional Disney city). True story …not about Aladdin, the poll. We must convince the Sultans of Swing to magic-carpet-bomb the animated menace! Say what you will, but there’s probably a better argument to invade Agrabah then there was for Iraq. After all, Agrabah does pose a clear threat to greater Ishtar. If we invade anywhere, it needs to be Mulan. That little bitch is becoming a real problem. But I doubt Trump could even find Mulan, On Demand.
Hillary Attempts To Pivot To General Election As Email-Gate Widens
by Mr. Sherman •
ISIS Claims Responsibility For Trump Campaign
by Mick Zano •
Syria—The head of the self-proclaimed Islamic State, Abdul Mohammed-Edlestein, is claiming responsibility for Donald Trump. ISIS worked diligently to infilitrate the Donald’s personality and promised a “really great deal”, if he agreed to work for them as a double agent. “We promised him cars and girls,” said Mohammed-Edelestein. “The usual. We did this using a series of suggestive Tweets. Join ISIS, Donald! #carsNgirls #DesertHotties4U. We promise different things depending on the region of the world, but for Americans we always get them on the old cars-and-girls routine. You see, some Republicans are fighting for us and the rest are recruiting for us. It’s win win! The cars are actually U.S. military and the girls are just us wearing hijabs (ha, ha!). We like dressing like girls, but don’t tell our creator.”
Mexico Releases More Formal Response To Trump’s Plan To Have Mexicans Build Border Wall
by Mr. Sherman •
RNC Claims Responsibility For Widespread Release Of Zika Virus In Effort To Gain White House
by Mick Zano •
Cleveland, OH—The CEO of Fox News, Roger Ailes, is confirming the RNC’s intentional release of Zika carrying mosquitos in swing states as part Operation Freedumb’s Bite. Republicans are concerned about their upcoming general election chances. It remains unclear if they can win on the uneducated, angry white-vote alone. With the release of Zika, the frontal lobes of liberals across the nation will atrophy as the republican base conversely widens. Mr. Ailes believes this can help republicans chances in the general election and may even boost his own news channel’s ratings. Critics of the move are calling the stunt Mosquitovellian, but Mick Zano has narrowed it down to either DEMmentia or Roger Ailezheimers.
Bernie Sanders Captured In Rarely Seen Superdelegate Courting Ritual
by Mick Zano •
Burlington, VT—In an attempt to woo democratic superdelgates towards his cause, Senator Bernie Sanders enacted a little understood and rarely seen political courting ritual. The event took place earlier today at an undisclosed location outside of Burlington, Vermont. To keep with his message, Senator Sanders charged 27 dollars a plate and his wife made most of the food from scratch. Although the impact of this event remains unknown, critics were quick to call the performance “an act of desperation”, “beneath the dignity of his office,” and “clearly PhotoShopped by imbecils.”