Tag Archive for satire
Is China Trying To Tell Us Something?
by Mick Zano •
Software Programmers Working Diligently On Likeable Personality for Hillary Clinton
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Whenever Hillary Clinton is placed in a situation that involves other people, she continues to look like a deer caught in the headlights. Some of Clinton’s awkwardness, at least in part, may well be a result of the ‘testing phase’ of several sophisticated new personality software programs. Clinton’s IT team has obtained a Google-emotion technology patent, which will ultimately allow Hillary to change her personality based on circumstance on the ground, in real time, by utilizing both available data bases and user information.
Project Leader Matt Narrows explains, “Although this may not be evident from her recent interviews, public appearances are helping us move toward a fully adaptable and functional presidential personality by early 2016.”
Omar Sharif, Best Known For His Cameo In Top Secret, Is Dead At 83
by Mick Zano •
Is Climate Change Killing off Our Japanese Monsters?
by Mick Zano •
Tokyo, JP—The left wing media remains overly fixated on the deaths of seals, dolphins and polar bears, but what’s going to happen to our giant radioactively-enlarged monsters? With the advent of climate change Polar bears are switching their food source from seals to dolphins, and sharks are already acquiring a taste for human flesh. This begs the question, what’s going to happen when our ocean’s apex predators get a Big Mac attack? What happens when Godzilla runs out of whale kibble? What happens when Gamera runs out of Megaladon and chips? Speaking of which, always offer the malt-vinegar with that order. Gamera totally loses his shit without malt-vinegar! Do you want some toast with that town of yours? Word to the wise, that turtle is not fucking around.
Brilliant Or Diabolical Scheme To Ensure A 2016 Dem Victory?
by Mick Zano •
Nation’s Capital Assailed By Patriotic Missiles
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Washington was assailed by a barrage of patriotic and colorful missiles. Didn’t you read the headline? The President is referring to this attack as Operation: Flag and Awe as many onlookers waved flags and said “awe” during the hour long siege of our Nation’s Capital.
The President, who to onlookers appeared drunk, rambled on about NASA and England’s upcoming UFO disclosures and then started plagiarizing parts of the presidential speech from the Sci Fi movie classic, Independence Day. It marked the first time in U.S. history the Secret Services contemplated taking out the President in the interests of national security.
Carrey Admits He’s Captain Obvious!
by Mick Zano •
In 5-4 Decision Justices Agree To Abandon Scalia On Subway Platform
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—In a landmark decision today, the Supreme Court has agreed to lure Justice Anthony Scalia to a designated subway station and leave him there. The other Justices hope to convince Scalia that this is a planned outing that will include both a free lunch as well as a chance to overturn the Affordable Care Act. The other members of the Supreme Court are going to act as if they’re getting off at the Capitol Heights Station and then plan to jump back on board just before the train pulls away.
Justice Ginsberg explained, “I don’t plan on any jumping, per se, but I can lean toward the door a little.” When questioned about the legality of this move, she said, “We decide what’s legal, remember? Look, if we had our own Supreme Court reality show, we would have voted Scalia off Justice Island a long time ago. We’re just implementing our own three strikes and you’re out thing. Scalia is a conservative, he is a Catholic, and he is a Yankee’s fan. Oh, and it doesn’t help that he’s an asshole.”
