Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Bernie Wins 7th Debate With Rousing Rendition Of Hamlet

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Democratic Presidential Candidates Debate In Flint

 

Flint, MI—At the Democratic debate last night Hillary Clinton clearly felt the Bern. Leading up to this debate, Bernie Sanders was under increased scrutiny to provide more details when answering questions. In a move no one saw coming, the longest serving Senator wowed the audience with scenes from Hamlet and other Shakespearean classics. When Hillary attacked Sanders for failing to support the auto-industry bailouts, he responded, “We don’t need cars. A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!” The crowd loved it.  When the issue turned to the water crisis in Flint, he responded with a W.C. Fields quote before finishing with Macbeth.  “I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do in it. Out, damn’d spot! out, I say!” Even people in the audience suffering from lead poisoning themselves couldn’t help but give Bernie a standing ovation.

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Travel Plans An Uphill Battle For Man Named Zika Ebola

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Tunisa—A Nigerian man with the unfortunate name Zika Ebola is on a permanent layover in a Tunisian airport. Despite requesting full screenings and medical examinations, no one will come within ten feet of Mr. Ebola. Even Zika-sniffing dogs, usually employed in these situations, are just whimpering and trying to scramble up the baggage chutes. Mr. Ebola has yet to be cleared to leave the Tunis-Carthage International Airport snack bar. At this point, he is very concerned of ever reaching Disney Land or his uncle’s wind farm, before he is due back at the water treatment plant.

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Trump’s Inexplicable Rise Was Quite Explicable

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CBC5DE Boris Karloff in the 1935 film The Bride of Frankenstein, directed by James Whale.

This week David Corn over at Mother Jones wrote an article explaining the inexplicable rise of Donald Trump. I wrote a suspiciously similar article, prior to Trump’s emergence, last August. I find The Donald’s popularity with the republican base quite explicable. It’s not the similar image that irks me so much as the similar content. I saw this shit coming a vile away. I love you Dave, but you have two choices: hire me at Mother Jones, or expect a call from a Mr. Goldberg of Goldberg, Goldberg & Cohen. What’s really inexplicable is how spoof news folks continue to outshine our more traditional journalists. Mother Jones is welcome to join the Daily Discord. With your skills and my prognostication prowess, I’m sure Mother Discord will become a beacon of clarity in these dark times. Thus Spake Zanothustra?

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Thousands Watch As Magician Criss Angel Makes Gitmo Vanish Into Thin Air

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Washington, DC—President Barack Obama was all smiles today as he and the First Lady watched magician Criss Angel’s performance at Guantanamo Bay. The 48-year-old illusionist wowed a large live audience with his most elaborate trick to date. At the start of his act a giant cloth surrounded the notorious detention facility, Guantanamo Bay, but when the cloth was dropped only an empty landscape remained. Critics are calling the move a gross violation of the Constitution. Presumptive Republican nominee, Donald Trump, said, “Obama is dumb. He’s dumb. A. He could have had Cubans build the giant cloth around Guantanamo and 2. the trick should have made the prison grow larger. I want to round up every ISIS and Al-Qaeda member in the world and put them all into my larger camp, which I will rename Trump Torture. I might employ Mr. Angel to make the Red Cross disappear.”

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Suicide Pact? 13-Bald Eagles Dead After Release Of Latest Trump Poll Numbers

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baldeagleML

Federalsburg, MD—Thirteen bald eagles were found dead in eastern Maryland today. Some are theorizing this was a suicide pact as witnesses describe the birds as “flying directly into American flags like kamikazes.” It is believed one eagle from each of the original 13 colonies flew to Maryland as part of a suicide pact to protest Donald Trump’s current success in the Republican nominee primaries. Either that or the eagles decided they couldn’t go on without Glenn Fry.

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Hillary Clinton “Nonplussed” By Daily Discord Endorsement

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clintonDailyDisocordFlagstaff, AZ—The Tuesday before Super Tuesday is about to get even supererer as The Daily Discord is throwing a HUGE endorsement Hillary’s way. Many of my fellow contributors are clearly Berning, so this was a tough choice. My rants over the last decade are imbued with a common theme. I feel strongly that a Republican supermajority would be worse than when Kidz Bop opened for that Jonas Brothers cover band. Never again! My ultimate decision to support Hillary is twofold: 1. Hillary is one the most qualified candidates in recent memory and 2. most of her popularity problems are based on either the actions of her husband, or what we in the industry call “bullshit.” When it comes to complaints there’s very little there, there. Her main problem is her likeability. She’s a walking personality-void in a pantsuit. She makes John Kerry seem like the Most Interesting Man in the World. “I don’t always endorse candidates for president, but when I do, they where pant suits.”

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Glenn Beck Is Fasting For Ted Cruz: Beck-Fast At Bigotries?

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Prior to the Iowa Caucuses, Glenn Beck threw his support behind Ted Cruz and he has been campaigning for him ever since. The Beckster is now willing to fast until his choice for the Republican nomination wins super Tuesday, which Beck dearly hopes comes with cheesy fries. “I will be ready for cheesy fries by then,” explained Mr. Beck, “or some other substance in the chili fry, or poutine family.” If Cruz doesn’t win, Glenn Beck feels the blame should fall squarely on Christians and their inability to choose between a snake oil salesman and a megalomaniacal ass-clown.

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