Mick Zano

Dreamers Tar And Feather Senator Chuck Schumer Outside Of His Brooklyn Home

by Mick Zano • January 25, 2018

Brooklyn, NY—An angry mob of so-called ‘Dreamers’ gathered outside of Senator Chuck Schumer’s Brooklyn apartment last night to protest DACA’s removal from the latest round of budget negotiations. When the senator arrived at his home at 8:00 PM, he was jeered, pelted and ultimately tarred and feathered by the mob of would-be U.S. citizens. Schumer told the Discord today, “They want DACA? Now they’re not going to get kaka. I want all of these brown little shits deported. I want them out of my city and I want them out of my country. And no more ‘birds of a feather’ jokes from the press, or someone is going to meet my feathery fists of fury!”

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by Mick Zano • January 24, 2018

Tweet Tower—Facing the worst retention in modern history, the White House is scrambling to attempt to keep key cabinet and staff positions filled for the remainder of the Trump presidency. A clandestine laboratory somewhere in Trump Tower has announced the successful cloning of several dozen monkeys, or cabinet member prototypes (CMPs). The project leader, who preferred to remain anonymous, said, “By this spring most of these monkeys will be ready to assume most of the key vacant government positions. At this point replacing Trump’s cabinet and staff with monkey babies should enjoy strong bipartisan support. We are certainly not saying that in a few weeks one of these monkeys might replace the president himself …what we are saying is that we’re not, not saying that.”

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by Mick Zano • January 23, 2018

The Discord’s best Photoshopped moment from the government shutdown

by Mick Zano • January 22, 2018

The liberal anxiety surrounding a successful Trump presidency is creeping into our comment threads lately. You don’t even want Trump to succeed, do you?! True story. Why would we ever want more people like him in power? The liberal intelligentsia is focusing on the carnage, post Trump’s downfall. Knowledge, like the GOP itself, is a burden. There’s a non-published Zano article in the archives that weighs all the potential outcomes of a Trump presidency and, yes, a triTrumphant term ranked rather low on the scrotum poll. What?! A Trump win is not going to happen, which is precisely why that post languishes in the Discord draft folder, right alongside my debunked theory: Is The Dark Web Entirely Comprised Of Dark Matter? Sorry folks, but Donald J. Trump is poised for a mega-fail, and sooner rather than later. A full Trump victory lap in 2020 is about as remote as the hut of an Aleutian tribesman suffering from social anxiety.

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by Mick Zano • January 21, 2018

National Parksylvania—If the looming stalemate in Congress shifts to a partial government shutdown that could prove a worst case scenario for our national parks and memorials. Park and memorial services across the country would need to scramble to make only some of their featured landscapes and monuments available to the public. There would be strict congressional guidelines involving access, fees, and available vistas. For example, if you climb into the Grand Canyon and then the partial shutdown hits, you would not be allowed to climb back out. In Wyoming at the Grand Teton National Park, only one of the Great Tits would be displayed. Even more disturbing, the necessary geological mastectomy to remove the other mound may tally in the billions. At Yosemite National Park you can get into the scenic valley, but the famous Bridalveil Falls will be turned off with a giant spigot installed during the partial government shutdown of 2013.

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by Mick Zano • January 19, 2018

Tweet Tower—In the face of a looming government shutdown and mounting criticism from home and abroad, President Trump has retreated to his safe-space to engorge himself with some of the tastiest desserts in the American southeast. Sarah Huckabee-Sanders told the press today, “The president is heading back to Mar-a-Lago as he feels he does his best thinking while digesting.” After results from his physical, the president is apparently inspired to really step-up his caloric intake. Sanders also said, “Since his habits are keeping him so exceptionally happy and healthy, the president is considering doubling his portions at meals and cramming things down his throat with little to no chewing #InhaleToTheChief.”

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by Mick Zano • January 17, 2018

Tweet Tower—Under the increased speculation that the president is unfit for office, the White House physician administered a cognitive assessment exam earlier this week. The physician, Patsy McPassfail, said the president performed “exceedingly well” on the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test. Today, however, an unknown staffer leaked the actual test the president received. The leaked assessment contained mostly tailored questions that the president had already answered at one time or another in tweet form. The physician also failed to follow standard scoring practices, often awarding partial credit to the president for picking something ‘right next to’ the correct answer.

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by Mick Zano • January 15, 2018

Does Donald Trump represent some political aberration, or is he fast becoming the new abnormal? Republicans themselves are certainly downplaying the president’s odd behaviors, mannerisms, fits and tweets. The reason? It’s the parallel downward tracks for both our president’s cognitive health as well as the Republican collective as a whole. There is simply not as much distance as there should be between Trump’s level of consciousness and the average Republican voter. Is there even any room left in their tent for complete sentences? Neurobiological explanations are starting to surface that offer clues as to why conservatives can’t seem to process information effectively. Meanwhile, the last of the rightwing intelligentsia is pulling an Elvis. Darryl Issa (R-CA) marks the 30th Republican retirement, and apparently the remaining brainiacs are full-blown insomniacs. Trump and Hannity reportedly get very little shut-eye, so they’re probably actively hallucinating during their important coaching sessions. Going down in a blaze of auditory? Meanwhile, Trump is the first president in history that dementia might actually help his legacy. Good thing we didn’t go with the competent woman with that terrible cough *cough*.

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by Mick Zano • January 12, 2018

Atlanta, GA—The King Center has rented apparatus to have the Atlanta tomb of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. and his wife Coretta Scott King rotated for the entire MLK weekend. The center’s board of directors finalized the decision yesterday after President Trump referred to Haiti and African countries as ‘shitholes’. CEO of the center and MLK’s youngest child, Bernice King, said, “We think it’s what our father would have wanted to do this weekend, and he might actually be spinning in there anyway, so we just hope we got the direction right.”

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by Mick Zano • January 11, 2018

President Trump wants the Mueller’s investigation to wind down as soon as possible, but one potential delay may include the counsel’s request for a direct interview with the president. Mueller’s team wants a sit down face to face meeting, but the president made it clear he only does interviews with Sean Hannity and only when the questions are sent to him way ahead of time. The president is also requesting no more than five questions, with explanatory pictures, as well as periodic statements that he is not actually under investigation and that he’s doing a ~~fine~~ GREAT job as president.

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