If you think this sounds like political satire, think again. If you think most Discord articles sound like political satire, think again.  As reported on FoxNews.com, the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence ,founded by former White House press secretary James Brady—shot and permanently paralyzed during a 1981 assassination attempt on President Ronald Reagan—is seeking to confiscate our guns.  I am still not sure why, because they rarely hit anything.  Women refer to this phenomenon as “shooting blanks.” 

In a statement issued Thursday, the group’s president, Paul Helmke, said “America has seen an epidemic of horrific gun violence at churches, synagogues, workplaces, health clubs, high schools, universities, police stations, and now Army bases. This latest tragedy, at a heavily fortified army base, ought to convince more Americans to reject the argument that the solution to gun violence is to arm more people with more guns in more places. Enough is enough.” 

I do believe this would cause one major problem with the effectiveness of our armed forces.  Could you imagine the shock and awe of our enemies when U.S. forces charge across the battlefields with lawn darts, wiffle ball bats, and fuzzy handcuffs?  You wouldn’t want to hurt the wrist of the enemy as you drag them into a courtroom, would you?  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, right?  I’ve been waiting for Jennifer Aniston to do unto me what I would like to do unto her.  The stalking charges were eventually dropped, but I never did get my fuzzy handcuffs back.

 Brady’s Campaign is lobbying to take guns out of the hands of, not school children, but all military personnel past and present, and future.  Now If Ebenezer Scrooge had been packing some heat, those three ghosts would have been singing a different Christmas Carol.  For the life of me I can’t figure Jim Brady out.  It’s like he was shot in the head or something.

Republican Sen. Richard Burr of North Carolina seeks to protect veterans’ rights to gun ownership and is lashing out against the anti-gun lobby.  He is accusing the group of exploiting the deadly rampage to oppose his bill and plans to challenge Helmke to a dual (must run in the family).  He also plans to accentuate his point by going on a shooting spree (maybe for Christmas).

The anti-gun group is using the shooting rampage at Fort Hood as an example in its campaign against pending gun rights legislation.

“In light of what happened yesterday—a violent attack by an emotionally unstable (the first one ever?) soldier—it is even clearer that the proposal being pushed by Senator Richard Burr of North Carolina should be rejected,” said Helmke, in what has come to be known as the Helmke maneuver (which is strangely apropos, because it makes me want to choke).

Burr was quick to blast (pardon the pun) Helmke’s remark:

“In this time of personal and national tragedy when most people’s prayers and thoughts are rightfully with the families and friends affected by the tragedy at Fort Hood, one can only be amazed that Mr. Helmke would use such an event to try to advance his personal agenda.  It is a shame that this process has gotten to a point where some feel that they can exploit the senseless murder of American soldiers in the quest to secure personal triumph,” Burr said, as he stepped behind a fellow American, cupped his hands and compressed forcefully, expelling a small grisly piece of meat, possibly pork. 

Apparently Mr. Helmke’s personal triumph includes disarming Army personnel of guns (probably in a war zone).  Army Major Nidal Malik Hasan, a peace loving Muslim (well, at least until recently), who killed 13 fellow soldiers and injured another 31, was an active duty officer soon to be deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan.  Helmke apparently believes this horrific act of terrorism could have been averted if only the military had been disarmed of the gazillion some odd guns in the country before hand.  But maybe not having a Peace-loving Muslim (PLM) in the Army may have been a better start; most just change their name and move to Canada. 

“Now, if you will excuse me, I am just going to climb this tower near the square…Top of the world, mom!”

You, Dave Atsals, have listened to the liberal rational for socialized health care.  You’ve drank the proverbial Kool Aid, so to speak, and it’s a batch the Ghetto Shaman wouldn’t even touch.  Like a good Pelosi minion, you’ve accepted the premise that we’ve survived the last 240 years in spite of free-market capitalism. How could we ever have survived the Revolutionary War, the War of 1812, the Civil War, the Spanish American War, two World Wars, Korea, Vietnam, Persian Gulf twice, pandemics, the depression, polio, and yes, even eight seasons of American Idol?!  Without Obamacare, this country should have been dead 200 years ago.  How the hell did we ever survive without the chosen one?  …without the Messiah, the once and future clown? If our healthcare system is so horrible, then why do we have people coming to America for medical treatment from all over the world…for what?…the hospital Jello?  Granted, the hospital Jello is good and there are so many places in a hospital room where a green cube of Jello would look great stuck to, but I really think there is more to it than that.  I know there are other colors, but you’re making light of an important topic, Dave, and I won’t have it!  Frankly, this issue is beyond the scope of all gelatin products and their derivatives. 

We need reform, Dave, but we need the kind of reform that gets government regulation out of the healthcare industry, entirely.  No Jello for you!  It has no business being there, kind of like you have no business frequenting those ‘clubs’ of yours (which reminds me, Dave, we really need to talk).

We need to be able to buy insurance across state lines; we need to get rid of trial lawyers, liberal judges, and their junk science that makes malpractice insurance premiums unaffordable for doctors, who then have to pass the cost of these premiums onto their patients because some dumb-assed broad was stupid enough to put her coffee between her legs instead of the car cup holder.  Can you say Scarbucks?  She should have been liable for being a moron, nothing more.  Hey, that’s an idea. Instead of taxing our healthcare, let’s tax stupidity. I’m afraid such a tax won’t bode too well for you, Dave.  You may have to move back in with your parents.  Oh, that’s right, you’re already back with your parents.  You see, no harm done.

But back to taxing stupidity, I think I need another blood pressure pill. Maybe if I become a good democrat, I can get some rich guy to pay for it.  Cubes of Jello all around folks, on someone else. 

Did you know that if you rip a Jello cube in half, it sticks to the ceiling better?  No shit.  It really does.  Try it when you’re in a hospital bed and having some other tax payer flip for the whole inpatient stay.  Just flip the Jello right off the spoon, well, half the Jello (you must cut it in half, remember. It’s like you’re not even listening) and then you can count how long it sticks to the ceiling.  Stay as long as you want in that room.  Get all the tests you want.  Have them X-Ray the damn Jello for all Obamacare.   Maybe there are bones in Jello.  It’s worth a few extraneous MRIs.  Don’t worry, you’re probably not paying for it.

How many people are aware that September 17th, was National Constitution day? My guess is “seven”.  Two-hundred twenty-two years ago on Sept 17, 1787, thirty-nine men signed the U.S. Constitution, one of them reportedly sober (the sober one was not John, “I’m going to sign this sucker so big!” Hancock).   This document built the foundation of the greatest nation in our world’s history (besides China).  Not a democracy, but a representative republic like none other before, where individuals through their chosen representatives govern themselves.

The concept and the framework of the Constitution was nothing short of brilliant, limiting the federal government’s powers and insuring the states and individuals their freedoms and liberties to pursue happiness, property, and prostitutes, by using their own labors and God-given talents, to reach what others in their homeland only dreamed about, aka, a cute red-head with big floppy breasts.

The founders sacrificed their families, wealth, virginity, and in many cases their lives fighting for what they knew could be the greatest nation ever imagined. In the end, their efforts to create a truly free society came to fruition, and their dreams were realized (bouncy, bouncy).

It’s unfortunate so many have allowed the desecration of our founding documents and so many beautiful women.  Over the last hundred years, starting with the progressives (liberals) in the republican party, to the new progressives (liberals) in the democratic party, the Constitution, Declaration of Independence, and the Bill of Rights, have become nothing more than outdated pieces of parchment that on rare occasion become a nuisance that libs occasionally trip over on their road to socialism (not to mention they make great scrap paper for Daily Discord rough drafts).

Schools today are merely a tool to indoctrinate our youth into socialism.  Teachers see the founding documents as obstacles in the pursuit of government control over our lives.  They neglect to introduce or teach the students about these documents.  Although every seventh grader knows exactly how to properly insert a penis into a studded, glow in the dark condom.  I miss school.

I ask my readers to take a little time to visit the National Archives on the web, or you can access the U.S. Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights and other Amendments to the constitution by breaking into some of those big, important looking buildings in downtown DC.

Did you notice the Eye of Mordor atop the Washington Monument in the left column of this very website? That’s not a metaphor. OK, maybe it is, but the fact remains we are losing the very structure that has sustained this country for over two hundred years.  The sounds you are hearing are our forefathers, as the Crank puts it, whirling feverishly in their mausoleums.  So why not do what the public schools will not; educate your children on the history and founding of this nation. If people today fail to understand what was sacrificed for freedom, they can never really understand what freedom is.  Now, if you will excuse me, I’m only renting this room by the hour.

‘Comprehensive Planetary Regime could control development and distribution of all natural resources.’

Article II of the U. S. Constitution clearly states the powers and limitations of the Executive Branch of the federal government.  Of course, this is PC (pre-Cheney), and, having actually read the Constitution on a number of occasions (along with The Icky Sticky Frog), I can say with absolute certainty, nowhere does the president have the right to appoint Czars to positions of authority. First, what exactly is a Czar, besides a very tasty Imperial Stout? A Czar is a person of great power.  A Czar is essentially a monarch or an emperor. Most notably, the Czars of Russia ruled over the population with an iron hand and a foamy stout.  In its simplest terms, a Czar is a dictator (or the, aforementioned, dark beer). Obama has appointed thirty, or so, of these dark beers, or dictators (who were never confirmed by the Senate as cabinet members, as they are constitutionally required to be).  Anyway, these unconfirmed despots wield infinite power, like Sauron from the Lord of the Rings, only worse! John Holdren (who incidentally was confirmed by a voice vote in the senate and several thousand orcs) is Obama’s Dictator of Science and, according to FrontPage Magazine, wrote “There exists ample authority under which population growth could be regulated. It has been concluded that compulsory population-control laws, even including laws requiring compulsory abortion, could be sustained under the existing [U.S.] Constitution if the population crisis became sufficiently severe to endanger the society.”

Holdren’s comments, made in 1977, mirror the astonishing admission this week of U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who said she was under the impression that legalizing abortion with the 1973 Roe. v. Wade decision would eliminate undesirable members of the populace, or as she put it “populations that we don’t want to have too many of.”  This is an outrage!  This is unacceptable!  Our Supreme Court Justices should NEVER be ending their statements with prepositions (or propositions)!

If anything we should be aborting these Czars themselves.  Hey, wasn’t Czars also that plague/diseasey thing that hit during the Reagan years?   I think I knew someone who had czars. Let’s couple this revelation with the global warming hysteria. Holdren believes a "Planetary Regime" could be created for the use of population control. Al Gore this week praised the passage of Obama’s Cap and Tax (I mean Cap and Trade) global warming bill, in the House of Representatives and urged the Senate to do likewise. Gore believes this legislation could lead to global governance and since we are all carbon-based life forms, who breathe in oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide, our very presence is a danger to our planet. What better way to curb CO₂ emissions and reduce Earth’s “fever” than to destroy carbon emitters via abortion before they can do harm to the planet?  Oh, Al Gore is taking the world’s temperature, alright, but he’s using a rectal thermometer the size of Florida. Who will be the first Abortion Czar?  Who will be the first Soylent Green Czar?  Who will be the Brewing Czar and will he or she outlaw imperial stouts? We are on a very dangerous path with these liberals controlling both the government and our very lives. Beer today, gone tomorrow.

IS THIS THE CHANGE YOU WERE HOPING FOR?