Formerly American Samoa—Michael Bloomberg has funded the purchase and subsequent secession of the American side of the territory of Samoa, which ranges from that big rock all the way to that line of palm trees. On that important strand of beach, Mayor Bloomberg intends to reign indefinitely as the Samoan’s savior and king. In a speech yesterday, Mr. Bloomberg told his people, “We all have to wait out this virus somewhere, so I’m going to do it in style and purchase an island filled with people who love and worship me. Oh, and Tulsi Gabbard exceeded the 15% threshold for viability in this territory, so she will have full access to the tikibar, hot tubs, and tennis courts! Welcome, Tulsi! But there is still a resort fee.”

[The word ‘bitch’ does not appear at the end of that sentence, but it is implied.]

Bloomberg also told The Discord in an exclusive/fictional interview, “Part of the purchasing agreement involves my ability to stop & frisk all the native girls, and I better not find them packing any Big Gulps. But I wouldn’t be here today without those first intrepid girl scouts, who smore or less do-si-do’d their way across the South Pacific on nothing but home-baked trefoils for the sole purpose of hunting Samoa cookies and then packaging them into small boxes for retail purposes and consumption.”

President Trump tweeted:

[Retraction: Trump would never put a comma between the word ‘luck’ and ‘loser.’ I know you expect smore from us here at The Discord.]