Factoids Damaging To The Public Discourse
by Mick Zano •
In the interest of combating online and ongoing fake news when posting on social media I started labeling all of my work either ‘opinion’ or ‘satire’. And I am suggesting my friend similarly labels his posts: Factoids Damaging To The Public Discourse. For the latest example, my friend offered his Facebook wisdom entitled: LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT but, as most of you are aware, republicans are simply not capable of getting anything straight. They do get louder and wronger and then resort to all caps, which must be part of the ideologically-dying-process. Face it, ‘straight’ is not their forte. Were any of them handed something straight, they’d immediately jump in a centrifuge and drive Plastic Man to a gay bar in South Bend. Stick with your strengths, Poke, which today is more of a crookedy, pretzely chaos-spiral-like-thing. I almost hate to tell him that the four best ‘points’ he’s made during the pandemic can be categorized as a presidential crime, a lie, an impeachable offense, and a seditious act. Who’s going to tell him? Let’s just drop this post in the cue with a scheduled date, and back away slowly…
Is Bison Boy The Missing Political Link?
by Mick Zano •
Watching the foundations of our republic’s recent rumblings evoked some mixed emotions for this blogger. My sister was furious with my dimsurrection day aloofness. On 1/6 I was more about grabbing the popcorn and watching the show than any angst over our flailing democracy. Look, when you warn of an encroaching problem for decades there’s a certain detachment when said problem finally manifests, in this case in bison-shaman form. I must admit to being a little jealous of our organically grown, free-range seditionist. When the day comes that I storm the Bastille—for the good guys, of course—I hope I can pull off a costume half as epic. He certainly exudes a certain approachable vibe; he’s a snazzy charismatic character, a natural leader, and he prefers organic food. More than any republican politician, journalist, or even your average MAGA-citizen, I believe I can don my cape & banana suit combo, sit down with this man, and bridge our epic ideological divide. Zanonon will grant you an audience, well, provided you make bail.
And where’s that progressive agenda we ordered?! There’s only one way to get progressivism rammed through and I am concerned about unity Joe throwing the hail mary.
The Mime Versus Alien Chronicles
by Mick Zano •
Facebook Jail! Please Send E-Cigarettes Via Paypal
by Mick Zano •
Today, the Land of Social Media Censorship—which is also the worst theme park ever—has taken a turn for the worse. President Trump’s recent ban from Twitter on the way out has birther’d a slew of social media rules of engagement, or at least a new emphasis on enforcing terms and conditions of use. As a result, a friend of mine is serving a 12-day Twitter jail sentence, while still another was relegated to 30-day stint behind enemy lines in fascist-controlled Zuckerberg. Both incidents were rather tame, unless schadenfreude is now a crime. My friend Dan’s comment involved wishing Mike Pence an untimely demise, not sure of the exact details, but Dan does tend to get rather colorful with his comments. It’s Okay, he’s British. To quote Douglas Adams, he’s mostly harmless. Meanwhile, another acquaintance abused social media by hoping Ted Cruz’s recent seditious antics landed him in some Texas jail in which, as karma would dictate, he’d eventually be “raped by a cactus.” Now I understand about specific threats, but I am not sure this is what anyone would consider actionable intelligence. Granted, there are a lot of indigenous cacti in the region in question, but then his intentions would need to be somehow relayed to a plant in the succulent family, who would then agree to carry out this heinous act. [The following ‘prison succulent’ joke was removed by WordPress.] In other words, there’s a very low percentage of pulling this off. Granted, if someone ever managed, Ted would be doing some pulling off of his own. On a side note, if he loses his job in the Senate, it would be a real shame if he wouldn’t qualify for Obamacare.
[‘Thornographic’ joke deemed insensitive to desert flora.]
Yuuge Comeback Planned From New Trump Basecamp In Guyana
by Mick Zano •
Donaldtown, GY—Mark your calendars, folks, because next November former president Donald J. Trump will be taking his whole basket of deplorables on a magical mystery rally for even more bigly winning! Cult-45 is cordially inviting all of his key peeps to join him at a newly established city of gold, deep in the jungles of South America. The president is believed to have built something he calls a ‘metopia,’ because, as he told his new legal defense team, “There’s no you in you-topia.” He also added, “We have all the merch! MAGA hats, MAGA shirts, MAGA buttons, and all at MAGA discounts!!” When asked to clarify, he said, “Oh, yeah we changed my slogan to Make America Guyana Again. I’ve been trying to get the locals to start hauling blocks to build my Trumple, but so far they’re refusing to drink the—well, you know.”
Bipartisan Agreement To Remove POTUS But 25th Amendment Instructions Arrive To Congress Via IKEA
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President Trump’s actions in his waning days in office demand his immediate removal and yet somehow the instructions, that should be clearly laid out in the US Constitution, have arrived via Amazon from the Netherlands with some assembly required. Congress is working feverishly to remedy the situation as the fate of our republic hangs in the balance. Amazon is tracking the package of the actual amendment itself, as the instructions seem to have arrived separately. During a press conference, Jeff Bezos admits the package was mistakenly sent to Outer Mongolia but that it is currently being safely sherpa’d to a small town in the Himalayas by a Yeti. Elon Musk has offered to have the package and the Yeti rocketed back to the US, and that Asian physicist with the white hair has offered to help with the assembly of the 25th Amendment, if and when it arrives safely. Thus far Congress remains unsure how to proceed during this anxious waiting period and is flirting with the idea of invoking the: “Hey, do you mind just wandering off quietly” clause.
The Curious Case Of The Invisible Porcupine
by Mick Zano •
Registered Republicans Are To Report To Socialism Reprogramming Pods
by Mick Zano •
The Biden-Harris Administration has leaked its plan to move swiftly toward a more socialized democracy. In the coming weeks, all MAGA members will be required to report to reprogramming pods for immediate social assimilation. This will be done by name and region and will coincide with a mandatory Covid vaccination (rectal). At that time your gas-guzzling vehicle will be traded out for an electric car, which is about the size of your recliner. You do get to pick the color, because freedom. Your guns will be collected at that time as well, but they will be upgraded to fully loaded semi-automatic, affirmation guns. These will shoot unlimited rounds of positive affirmations up to twenty feet (with the volume up), and all weapons come with a rapid-glitter-firing-feature. You get to choose the color of the glitter as well, because freedom.
Spygate As Cover For Sedition, And Other Fun Things Republicans Do In Their Spare Time
by Mick Zano •
I’m aware the Spygate nonsense is among the least read articles on my blog, but it’s nevertheless important to identify how republicans operate and the associated dangers of allowing their lies to go unchallenged. Yes, Poke, a factoid blown out of proportion is a form of a lie, especially when these factoids are used to generate wild conspiracies as a means to distract the American public from sedition. Following this simple strategy, they can and will effectively tear down our republic. And they’ll do this willingly to aid and abet a known felon, work steadily against their own interests, while taking the word of a political party that has yet to get a scandal right, at least historically speaking. But this time’s gonna be different! No. No it’s not. It’s zenwrongness, or forever being wrong in the moment. And they will hold us all hostage until the last one of their fool inquiries are all answered to their satisfaction, which is impossible when it’s forever garbage in, garbage out. This has been a key prediction of mine for many years. Take Benghazi, no really, take it. Countless ongoing investigations, never-ending questions, nothing relevant to the initial inquiry ever surfaces yet they keep doubling down on their dipshit. It’s just one whopping MAGA-mega-audit fracturing into ever deeper labyrinthine layers of QDroppings and Foxal matter. The rabid hole. As for Spygate, my friend does not feel Crossfire Hurricane, or Razor, or even the investigation into Russian interference itself was properly predicated—all have zero merit. My friend somehow knows more than the Feds, the judges involved, a couple of AGs, our congressional intel committees, and all three special counsels combined. He must have had his Wheaties this morning. I just hope they weren’t laced.