Flores, Guatemala—Studying geological sediment in Central America for the last 37 beers, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Multiplex, found a layer of rock chock full of beer, wine, wild orgies, and the residue of a variety of psychedelic plants and substances. Several similar sites scattered across the globe confirm this layer of debaucherous sediment.

“It’s the stratum of all strata, an epoch of epic proportions, a party that was truly hardy,” said Dr. Hogbein. “This festival was of Biblical proportions. Not that anyone from the Bible was invited.”

Hogbein’s research team posits the party lasted nearly three hundred years after the discovery of a stone engraved sign that read, Three Centuries of Peace and Music.

“Evidence suggests they had live bands booked throughout the extraordinarily long event,” said Dr. Hogbein. “The bad news, however, decades could go by between sets.”

Dr. Hogbein’s research team believes this Beer Garden of Eden may also explain the demise of the Neanderthal.

“Homo Sapiens were better at games like beer pong and speed quarters and probably hooked up with all the women during this time period,” said Hogbein. “Neanderthals probably drank themselves to death out of disgust.”

New York, NY—Kevin Bacon is claiming the crown after being a critical component of a game/phenomenon that has spanned the planet for nearly two decades. The game, Six-Degrees of Kevin Bacon, started circa 1994 and Bacon is now claiming, “It’s over and I won.”

The Hollywood actor claims to have remained consistently ‘no degrees to Bacon’ each and every time he was challenged over the years.

“No one can dethrone me at this point. It’s over,” said Bacon.

Experts remain mixed as to whether Bacon’s claim is justified or premature.

“He was wise to declare victory during his lifespan,” said physicist Stephen Hawking. “Had he died before doing so, the game could clearly have ended very differently. Still, according to the theory of infinite possibilities, well, his victory is premature at best.”

Kevin Bacon responded to Hawking’s statement thusly, “I don’t know you, Mr. Hawking, or should I say Mister two-degrees-from-Bacon at best?”

Brussels, BE—NASA and the European Union have jointly agreed to downgrade Belgium to a countrytoid. Today, this leaves planet Earth with 195 countries and 1 countrytoid. The EU warns this may be the first of many such re-designations. This status change could have implications for the Euro as well as all waffle, chocolate, and beer imports from the now demoralized ‘toid’ nation. The move comes as the countrytoid still flounders for a new government. According to Belgian and Flemish types from all across their seven-block-nation, this could not have happened at a worse time.

“This could not have happened at a worse time,” said one Flemish type in an effort to back the Discord’s earlier statement.

One Belgian Monk even broke his vow of silence to talk to the Discord, “That fucking kraut bitch can’t do this shit to us!”

The Monk didn’t say that, exactly, but we have all of our spiritual quotes translated by our Chief Spiritual Correspondent, the Ghetto Shaman. He doesn’t know French or Flemish, so he kind of winged it.

“It took Belgium 18-months just to decide if they even want to form a new government,” responded Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel. “So, when no one is minding the store, this was the perfect time to take care of business. If they want to put on their big boy lederhosen, we can upgrade them again, but until then tough titties. Look, you can have a small country with a big economy, like Israel, or you can be a big country with a poor economy, like Spain,” said Merkel, “but you can’t be a small, no government little piss ant in my neighborhood, or we’re downgrading your asses.”

Washington, DC—Heartland Congressman, William Marshall, is calling for the immediate banishment of all Muppets and all citizens who test positive for the Muppet gene. Marshall is not alone, as most real Americans feel Muppets are not real, nor are they Americans.

“They aren’t like us. They’re dangerous,” said Marshall, an avid X-men fan. “We should identify all of them immediately and send them to that island off the coast of Africa with the rest of the Brotherhood of Mutants.”

Sarah Palin also joked about hunting Muppets from her helicopter.

“My fellow Americans are right about the need to sepregate these things from the general population,” said Palin. Her staff then spent the rest of the night desperately trying to add the word sepregate to Wikipedia.

Radio television personality, Rush Limbaugh, believes, “It’s the job of the government to keep its citizens safe from any and all threats domestic and Fozzy.” Limbaugh differs, however, on where to send them. “The Land of Misfit Toys near the North Pole will suffice. Let Santa Claus deal with these Henson genegineered monstrosities!”

Washington, DC—A recent Discord poll indicates the bulk of new Newt supporters (NNFs) are, in fact, the masses of frustrated NBA fans across our great nation. Newt Gingrich’s inexplicable Phoenix-like rise from the ashes of dickishness is clearly linked to the misdirected anger of those avid sport fanatics with way too much time on their hands.

“The NBA faction constitutes the vast majority of his bump,” said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath. “Furious Penn State fans may also be joining forces in a perfect shit-storm of people who want to further screw with the system.”

“I don’t know what to do with myself,” said Chicago Bulls fan, Pete Warner. “I don’t care what happens to America anymore, so I’ve decided to back that blowhard creepy guy.”

The Gingrich camp has predicted this slow and steady rise to the top, as other Republican candidates keep making the mistake of talking…with their mouths…to reporters and other journalist types.

“What this party really needed is someone who can bloviate a string of meaningless words that sounds intelligent,” said Gingrich. “And I live for that shit.”

North Pole—Elves and occupiers clashed outside of that jolly old “one percenter’s” workshop this week. The incident ended in 27 arrests and at least a dozen injuries. Santa Claus is denying the authorization to use force. Many are claiming St. Nick ordered his toy making elves to forcibly remove the dozens of protestors by force from his frosty front lawn yesterday.

“It’s a load of Yule time shit,” said Santa. “They were doing things to the Christmas trees and defecating in my ornate sleighs. They were provoking the elves, they were provoking me! They kept calling me Dumbledore, the pagan little shits.”

Fox News “journalists” believe this is more evidence of a War on Christmas.

“They’re ramping up their efforts to destroy America, destroy tradition, destroy God!” said Bill O’Rielly. “I don’t really believe that, but I got paid more to say that sentence than you make in a year, losers.”