Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

How Republicans Weaponized Technicalities For Both Offense And Defense

While Muellering the latest Russia-probe developments somewhere in Page, AZ, the above headline suddenly Stzrok me. This is at the heart of the problem with our debates, Pokey. Not my groaners, but the fact it’s always Serious Criminality v Fictional Technicality. We have had serious scandals in recent history, so why focus on the Benghazi Chronicles? No one ever said, I bet Hillary is mishandling her emails so let’s investigate. Republicans simply scrutinized every aspect of Hillary’s life in search of their coveted ‘technicality’. This is at the heart of today’s attack on the Mueller probe as well. The Special Counsel will find some level of Trump collusion/conspiracy, aka the reason for the investigation in the first place, and wrongdoing will likely range somewhere between highly troubling to legally damning. But this is never the case rightward. From the right’s perspective none of that matters, because the investigation never should have occurred due to this aforementioned ‘technicality’, the relevance or legitimacy of which is always secondary. Any inconsistencies, no matter how trivial, convoluted, or incomprehensible will suffice, so long as Fox & Frauds can use them to muddy those waters and avoid the very real indictments lurking at the threshold.

[Bo Diddley was a Deep One joke removed by the editor.]

[Winslow: Stop tailoring your jokes to the handful of Old Blues/Lovecraft fans out there]

Indonesian Volcano Claims Responsibility For Eruption, Tsunami, And Related Death Toll

Toosoon, Indonesia—Satellite images released by the Japan Aerospace Picture Satellite prove the volcano known as Anak Krakatoa was responsible for blowing its top last week and creating a wave of hostile H2O molecules bent on destroying everything in its path. Shortly after the release of the satellite photos, the volcano claimed responsibility for the vile, heinous and unwarranted act. Since the event targeted Indonesians living at or around the volcano itself many liberals are labeling this a hate crime. Yeah, very magmananimous of them…

Martha Stewart To Replace Ryan Zinke As Secretary Of Interior

Tweet Tower—President Trump has Martha Stewart slated to become the next Secretary of the Interior. The president signed an executive order today ending the nomination process, so Stewart may begin her new duties immediately. Choosing a candidate and confirming them can now be accomplished with one tweet as long as the president adheres to established Twitter character guidelines #ConfirmationTweeting. President Trump told the press today, “It’s going to be easier this way, for me. But Martha’s the best person for the job. She’ll make the interior all color-coordinated and maybe provide the country with some matching throw pillows. I can’t wait to see what she does with the place. She also comes with her own lawyers and her own rap sheet, so she’s way ahead of most of my other peeps. We call that “Trump ready.” Hey, we said on the application, knowledge of the legal system a plus.”

What Actual Statute Has Trump Violated, Zano? My Answer: U.S. Code § 45(b)86’d

My friend is still fighting the good fight by further enabling our criminal in chief. To put his blind allegiance into perspective, even Tucker Carlson and Ann Coulter have recently distanced themselves from our president. Sometimes it seems like Sean Hannity and my blogvesary are the last two stalwart Trumpian defenders. Guardians of the Fallacy? He thinks he’s fighting for everyone unjustly oppressed by our legal system, yet he supported all 7 Benghazi investigations and ignored all the really egregious stuff over the last twenty years. He’s ironically questioning authority, but failing to question authoritarianism. Since Trump’s coronation there’s been a certain lurking inevitability of scandal and costly missteps that our conservative friends are either blatantly misinterpreting or willfully ignoring. Their argument? Thus far Trump is being thwarted when he attempts to test our checks and balances. I’m sure if things were reversed they’d be ‘real comfortable’ with Obama trying this shit, ha! I had bet good money that massive scandals would surface rather quickly for ass-clown, so why the surprised face? Instead of covering the potential demise of our republic, Fox & Frauds would rather continue to investigate the Clinton Foundation. Obsessive Repulsive Disorder? You’re not exposing my hypocrisy, Pokey, but displaying your own. 

Ho-Ho No-No? Trump Sons Bag, Stuff, And Mount Endangered Bumble

Camp Donald—The gift the Trump sons chose for their father on Christmas morning is turning into a scandal in and of itself. Minus the necessary permits, the two brothers entered the Yukon Territory before tracking, shooting and killing a Bumble, an animal the Canadian Government considers protected. Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau, is calling this an ‘act of gore’ and has mobilized the Canadian Mounties and the Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen to monitor any and all Trump family movements along the U.S./Canadian border throughout the rest of the holiday season.

Trump Floats Canadian Border Wall To Halt Bumble Migration

The Great White North—President Trump recently relayed to Homeland Security his intention of building a northern border wall between the U.S. and Canada. At a rally in Orlando, Florida the president explained, “We need to keep out all the Yetis, the Bumbles, the Eskimos and those Abominable Hockey Players. That whole country could win an ugly sweater contest. It could. I’m also not happy with Trudeau. Not happy! And don’t worry about the cost, because I’m going to get Santa’s factory elves to pay for it.”

After Rash Of Airport Incidents Skynet To Release Drone Terminating Drone

Tweet TowerThis year has seen a marked increase in the illegal drone presence at and around our airports. Many citizens are also upset by an expanding fleet of private drones that continue to encroach on our personal privacy at beaches, pools and naked Dungeons & Dragons marathons. Moved to Friday, gang! Shortly after the two day drone siege of London’s Gatwick airport, the White House is finally addressing this global problem. President Donald Trump has used his Art of the Deal prowess to finalize an agreement between Skynet and the Trump Organization. The Donald believes this arrangement is win win, and by ‘win win’ he means “for myself and my family.” The president told the press today, “I made a deal with the best people over at Skynet! The best people!! Illegal drones are history, HISTORY!! #Trumpinated.” Despite the benign sounding business agreement, The Discord has discovered the secret involvement of many other key global players in this endeavor, such as, but not limited to: Umbrella Corp, Soylent Corp, Koch Industries, Beelzebub Global, Monsanto, Rio Tinto, The Backstreet Boys, American Cyanimide, MomCorp, GeneCo, Multi-National United, Mordor LLC, Dante Laboratories, SCOTUS, LexCorp, Tyrell Corporation, Veidt Industries, The National Rifle Association, Blackwater, Abstergo Industries, The London Symphony Orchestra, KAOS, Chick Fil A, LexCorp, Biffco, Alternate Street Parking, Biffco again…

White House Offering New Staffers Choice Of Very Own Free Range Lawyer

Tweet Tower—The White House has remained woefully understaffed throughout President Trump’s first term and, since legal jeopardy is rising for cabinet and staff members alike, the president has proposed an innovative solution. Anyone who accepts a position with the administration will now get to hand select their own personal free-range attorney directly from the White House lawn. The Trump Administration hopes this new perk will increase the number of applicants, which have recently fallen to slightly below zero. In related news, the HR director is unavailable for comment and is facing significant jail time.